In my life, I have gone through extended periods of loving sex, of doing my best to avoid it and of feeling fairly neutral about it.
When I speak to my friends and clients, the opinions and preferences vary greatly with some women just trying to ‘get over with it’ and with others who can’t get enough of it.
Many men come to me asking for advice because they want to know how they can open up their female partners sexually.
There are women who have not had sex in years and are not missing it.
And many women I know absolutely delight in sex, pleasure and orgasms.
So where’s the truth?
Quality of sex
The truth is – it depends.
One of the important factors here is the quality of sex that she is getting.
If her male partner is in a rush to penetrate her and unaware of the complexity of female arousal – she’s most likely getting poor quality sex and in most cases she won’t be interested in it.
Many men treat sex purely as a way to release inside of a woman.
Many men in our society feel starved for sex and are therefore needy.
That neediness is not attractive to women and it basically tells her that you’re going to use her body for your own satisfaction only.
Guess what – if there’s nothing in it for her, she’ll be reluctant to jump into bed with you.
Another important aspect of this question is the set of beliefs and experiences that she carries with her through life.
If she had a religious upbringing, it’s likely that she perceives sex as something wrong, sinful, dirty or simply inappropriate.
She’s scared of being labelled a ‘loose woman’ so she rejects any sexual expression in her life.
She disconnects from her body and her pleasure, focusing her energy in her mind, in playing the role of a mother, wife, co-worker, friend, etc.
And when she is having sex, she’s usually stuck in her head, trying to give her partner a lovely experience, making sex all about him.
A lot of women in our modern society have been abused sexually.
The severity of the abuse varies from unwanted advances, through inappropriate or nasty remarks to rape and sexual aggression.
Many women have been unable to heal these wounds and carry hurt with them throughout their lives, making it very hard for them to trust men.
If she cannot trust, she won’t feel safe and therefore she won’t surrender – to her partner or to the act of sex itself.
Deep down, feminine nature is very sensual and sexual.
In many isolated tribes and cultures around the globe, free from religious and political suppression, women are promiscuous and free of any shame about it.
They are intimate with different men (or women) and indulge in their bodily desires.
Sex is seen as a way to not only procreate but as a pastime, way to relax and connect with others.
Western women rarely are able to enjoy such freedom as our society is highly sexualized yet strongly sexually repressed at the same time.
Some women choose to ignore completely that area of their lives and that’s fine too.
But an important question to answer is: am I rejecting sex out of my free will or as a response to repressed abuse and trauma?
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