A client asked me recently with hesitation and visible embarrassment: ‘Why do I lose erection sometimes?’. I appreciated the courage it took him to ask. This question arises in my sessions regularly, indicating just how common the problem is.
In fact, I have experienced this recently in my own life with a casual lover. We jumped in to bed together only to realize that despite mine and his efforts, his penis wouldn’t get hard. And since this wasn’t our first time together, I was not concerned. He was obviously still attracted to me and so his lack of erection was not a reflection on our connection.
He, on the other hand, was devastated.
I had to offer him a lot of loving support before he fully accepted that his body’s lack of reaction was really not an issue.
The first thing to understand is that men put a lot of pressure on themselves around their sexual performance – they expect themselves to produce an erection each time, to keep it rock-hard and to not lose it before they’re finished. On top of that, women add to the problem, expecting their men to be always ready, always erect, otherwise it’s surely a sign that ‘he’s not aroused by me anymore’… they assume. Men feel this pressure and start to stress if the body does not perform as expected – if they have a problem ‘getting it up’ or if they lose the erection half way through the lovemaking.
The biggest enemy of healthy, pleasurable, long-lasting lovemaking is tension.
When you’re anxious or tense, you’ll struggle to enjoy long, deep, sensual, intimate times with your partner or with yourself. Only once you relax and accept your body just the way it is, just the way it works, once you start to love and support it wholeheartedly, only then it’ll pay you back with strong arousal and powerful erections.
Please understand, your performance will be affected by many circumstances and situations – sometimes you’re stressed by work, annoyed by someone or simply tired and low on energy. For whatever reason, your body might not be ready to produce an erection and respecting it is an important part of being connected to your body and honouring its needs. If you keep forcing your body to perform and deliver every single time, you’ll notice more resistance which will stress you even more. And the vicious cycle continues…
Some men resort to Viagra which helps in short term but drains your body’s resources overall. Every time you ejaculate, you lose nutrients and energy that your body creates in order to form a new life – a baby. As you slowly build up arousal, you awaken a lot of sexual energy which allows your body to replenish these resources. When your erection is caused by a pill, there’s considerably lesser amount of sexual energy awakened but your still ejaculate, causing your body to become more and more drained, tired and stressed.
Lack of erection doesn’t necessarily equal no sex…
Soft penis is still a very sensitive penis and you can experience a lot of pleasure without an erection. You can even, with a bit of help from your partner and some lubricant, make love without a hard-on. And you might actually discover yourself getting hard as your body’s arousal and sexual energy start to build up naturally.
So give your body a break! Learn to love and accept it. Embrace yourself lovingly and offer yourself compassion and support. Think of your penis as a small child. If you treat it with anger and frustration, it will withdraw and back away even more, scared and rejected. But if you love and accept your body even through its challenges, it will start performing better and better, giving you more and more pleasure and satisfaction.
And if you’d like some practical tools and exercises to strengthen your erection, get in touch with me for a 1on1 session – in person or over Zoom.
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