“He starts to kiss me, softly, sweetly, tugging at my lips with his.

He cups my breast, brushes the nipple with his thumb.

I reach down and stroke myself where all the sweat gathers, where the smell of my sex is strongest. I stroke it and then lick my fingers and stroke it some more.

He gently bites my top lip, sucks it. Tugs at my nipple, rolling it between his thumb and forefinger.

I feel it harden.

I feel him harden.

I feel myself getting wet.

I wet my finger, run it up the lips of my pussy and imagine it’s his tongue, wetting the wings of my labia, feeling them flutter and spread, circling my clit and flicking it. Blood rushes to my head, to my clit. I feel dizzy.” – from “The Juliette Society” by Sasha Grey

 

Women’s erotica has never been on my reading list. It is a genre that most people would never reach for as it has a reputation for being poorly written and cheesy. Most people would feel terribly embarrassed if they were ever caught reading it. Yet I know men who have more than once wandered into the land of erotic novels. And they had a good reason to do so!

 

Men and women fantasize about sex differently, different things turn us on. We also usually desire different things in bed. Most of porn produced today is aimed towards men, responding to masculine desires and fantasies. But if as a man, you truly want to learn what your lover desires and dreams of in bed, you won’t learn that from porn. In many cases even your lover herself won’t be able to tell you about it – many women experience a lot of shame when it comes to voicing their sexual preferences. But there is one place where women freely allow themselves to express and indulge in truly feminine sexual fantasies – in erotic novels.

 

As you dive deep into the world of romance and erotica, you’ll discover that women love to be seduced and teased. You’ll find pages of descriptions of gentle touch, of building anticipation, of kissing, licking each other, holding each other close, of coming close and pulling away…

… and then finally giving in to desire when she is dripping wet and feels dazed with arousal. The moments before the penetration are where it’s all at – the bodies shivering with pleasure as lovers hardly manage to control themselves.

 

As Barry Long, a charismatic Australian teacher, advises in his books and tapes, the modern couples have forgotten how to make love to each other which is why there is so much frustration and sexual dissatisfaction in the world. I find this quote particularly powerful:

“Woman has learned to make love through man who does not know how to make love. Hence the dreadful mess that love is in. Since time began she has been manipulated and encouraged to feel that the finest expression of her love is to please man sexually. The truth is the other way around. The finest expression of love is to have man delight her sexually. This he can only do when he can forget his preoccupation with orgasm and be sufficiently selfless or present in love to collect and receive her divine energies. For him, these are the finest expression of her love.”

 

I have spoken to countless men who lament that their wives don’t want to have sex anymore. And I do sympathise but at the same time I wonder: “what kind of sex was she getting all these years?”. Very few women in our society are made love to well, and for many, many years, I was one of them. Many men forget that women get aroused slowly and they penetrate their partners too soon, which can be undesirable, uncomfortable or even painful. So if you, as a man, desire a lifetime of passionate sex and an insatiable lover, ask yourself first: “what do I know about women’s sexual desires?”. And if the answer is “not much”, maybe it’s time to visit the erotica section on Amazon…

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