I was recently invited to speak about sex to a group of teenage boys at their fortnightly gathering. This particular group is led by two amazing men – Rob McDowell and Kurt Shean who teach the boys about being kind, conscious and confident men in our society. The boys range from 13 to 15 years old and are a very lively, curious and outspoken group.
Not surprisingly, the topic of the evening was being a lover. After Rob and Kurt started with an introduction of the subject, the boys were then asked to prepare the tent for my arrival. When I got there, the tent was decorated with colourful cushions, plants and a delicious feast was served.
I introduced myself as a sex coach and the boys welcomed it with a happy laughter. I smiled. I’m sure they had no idea such a profession even existed!
As the boys seemed fairly intimidated at first by my presence, Kurt started asking questions that have previously arisen. The boys wanted to know how to talk to a girl that they liked, how to tell whether she just likes them or really, really likes them, how to tell if they can touch or kiss her and if so, how to do it.
It was only a matter of time before more intimate topics were brought up. I spoke to them about porn, masturbation, erectile difficulties and sex. I coached them on how to self-pleasure in order to prepare their bodies for a lifetime of long-lasting, satisfying sex and pleasure. I explained why porn isn’t real sex and what real sex actually is. We touched on premature ejaculation and problems maintaining erection.
That’s when the boys started to feel fairly comfortable with me and started asking questions that were really burning inside – we talked about losing virginity, anal sex and ways of getting attention of the ladies. We spoke about creating a deep, intimate connection with a woman and about showing up as a man. I talked to them about rape, consent, respect and boundaries.
As I was talking, I kept thinking that I needed a week with them, not an evening! There was so much I wanted to share, so much depth I wanted to show them but was unable to because of lack of time.
There were quite a lot of giggles and that was ok. The boys were not used to talking about such intimate and vulnerable aspects of their lives. But I guess if they took just one thing out of our evening together, I would like them to know that it is possible and healthy to talk about sex in a positive, open way. And that there are out there people like me who can help if things don’t go well in the bedroom.
The state of sexual education in our modern world is fairly poor and teenagers usually have no one to talk to when it comes to their emerging sexuality. The parents feel awkward about these conversations, teachers in school are not prepared to handle such topics and young people feel very unsupported when it comes to intimate subjects. They resort to learning from the internet, often from porn, and over the years that route leads them to disconnection, rushed sex, premature ejaculation issues or erectile difficulties.
We need to start talking to our kids in an open and mature way about sex. Teaching them only about STIs and pregnancies is not enough. In our world, people seek sex for a variety of reasons and procreation is only one of them. And sex itself is so much more than penetration. Our society equals sex to intercourse but this is only a small fragment of the story.
I hope to create a change in our sexual education and introduce Tantra to high schools. When young people learn at the very beginning of their sexual journey about intimacy, connection, sexual communication, consent, giving and receiving consciously and sacred nature of sexuality, they will save themselves and their partners decades of frustration and poor sex.
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