A few years ago, I attended a week-long tantric retreat in Czech Republic, together with about 30 other women. The retreat took us deep into our sexuality and we explored the flow of orgasmic energy in our bodies. We danced, we laughed and we shared. It was beautiful and inspiring to watch the ladies have fun, explore and open up about their struggles and challenges.
Our sexual fantasies
On day 4, we talked about our sexual fantasies. The facilitator asked the entire group: “What do you fantasize about?” and one by one, the women started sharing and baring their deep, intimate secrets. At that stage I still held a degree of shame and embarrassment about my naughty little fantasy so I wasn’t keen to share. But as all women kept revealing the images and scenarios they created for pleasure, arousal and turn-on, my fascination and amazement was growing while the shame and guilt kept reducing.
I couldn’t believe the variety, colourfulness and detail of the images painted in front of my eyes. In the group of 30 women, I heard 30 very different stories. Some of them even turned me on! Some of them I stored in my memory for a later use.
My own lifelong fantasy
I thought about my own sexual fantasy, the one constant scenario that I always reached for when I wanted some extra turn-on. I formed it in my early childhood and it hasn’t really changed since then – the rape fantasy, extremely common among women raised in religious households. The sexual suppression present in such environments creates a very real torment in our heads – the body starts to desire sexual expression yet the society tells us that sex is wrong. The subconscious mind finds a way out by resorting to a rape scenario – imagining being forced to have sex takes away some of the guilt we feel about our “sinful” bodies.
In most cases of sexual fantasy, fetish or any kind of unconventional sexual desire, there’s a wound, a hurt that we experienced early in our lives and that needs healing. That wound is asking for attention, for a resolution and until we recognize and heal it, we will experience some degree of torment or guilt about our sexual desires.
How society conditions us
I have worked with clients who were tortured beyond belief by their sexual fantasies and preferences – by the desire to be dominated by a woman, to be humiliated, to kiss her feet, etc. The society tells us about a very linear way to experience arousal and if you don’t fall within the indicated norms, you become a pervert, a deviant. But most of us have some kind of desire that falls within the kink or fetish category and there’s nothing wrong with that. In many cases it’s the childhood wounding that is making its way into our sex lives. And the more we try to suppress these desires and to deny them expression, the more tormented we’ll feel.
Is it time to heal?
The first step to healing sexual shame and guilt is to recognize that at the base of all of your desires is a very healthy, beautiful thing – a desire to be acknowledged, cared for, appreciated and loved. At the core of your sexual fantasy is a need that is asking for an expression or healing. It might be tricky to unpack these desires ourselves so seeking help from an experienced coach or therapist can be very helpful.
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