Recently, I had a very powerful conversation with a friend. He let me talk about all the most vulnerable, raw and honest parts of myself. At times, he offered a few words of insight or a clarifying question. Other than that, he just listened to me share about my insecurities, fears, anxieties, hopes, desires and more. At the end of that conversation I cried. I cried because I clearly saw how much shame I was still experiencing around who I was. And at the end of that sharing, I was finally able to embrace lovingly all the dark, scared, sore, lonely and human parts of myself…
You see… I had done a lot of hiding in my life.
I spent my childhood trying to hide how scared I was most of the time. I spent my teenage years trying to hide that I was awkward and shy. I spent my university years trying to hide that I wasn’t a party girl. I spent many of my relationships hiding that I didn’t know anything about sex. And I spent most of my adult years hiding that I was a nerdy introvert, that I used to have serious anxiety attacks about money and that sometimes I felt very lonely.
A lot of these things made me feel like a loser so I kept pretending to be an outgoing, social, happy girl. Whenever I shared accommodation in my 20s, I always made plans to go out at weekends – not because I always wanted to be out but mostly because the thought of having to tell someone on Monday morning that I hadn’t done anything fun was unbearable.
The journey of slowly reclaiming and learning to accept and love myself – just as I am – has been long.
Thanks to tantric philosophy, I slowly began digging out my authentic self from underneath a huge pile of pretence, act and masks. It took a while to actually find the real me because I’d been hiding her so well for so many years.
At times, I wondered who Helena actually was… And whether I would ever find out.
These days, I don’t hide anymore. I have made a huge progress on the path of self-discovery, self-acceptance and ultimately – self-love. I perceive all of my experiences as precious, beautiful and natural. And do you know why? Because they’re all human. And because I’m a human. And because as a human being, I’m meant to feel these things.
Anger? Bring it on! Fear? I can handle it. Frustration? I’ll take it. Anxiety? Uhmmm, sure!
I don’t dwell in these energies but I don’t reject them either. If they come, I welcome them without judgement, I experience them with curiosity and I allow them to pass. In my sessions, I have witnessed a lot of people fighting their human experiences, trying to get over them quickly and ban them from their lives.
But you can’t ban a part of yourself.
Because these experiences that we dread, worry about and regret – they’re here to stay. So you might as well accept and welcome them. That’s exactly what I am doing and it’s working great for me! After so many years of hiding and denial, I’m actually truly fascinated by my human experience – with all of its rawness, fragility and depth. Sometimes my anger gets the better of me, sometimes I struggle and sometimes I fall. But that’s ok as well, it’s just a part of this beautiful human ride.
Because after all, I AM HUMAN. And that’s ok.
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