Recently, I had a very powerful conversation with a friend. He let me talk about all the most vulnerable, raw and honest parts of myself. At times, he offered a few words of insight or a clarifying question. Other than that, he just listened to me share about my insecurities, fears, anxieties, hopes, desires and more. At the end of that conversation I cried. I cried because I clearly saw how much shame I was still experiencing around who I was. And at the end of that sharing, I was finally able to embrace lovingly all the dark, scared, sore, lonely and human parts of myself…
You see… I had done a lot of hiding in my life.
I spent my childhood trying to hide how scared I was most of the time. I spent my teenage years trying to hide that I was awkward and shy. I spent my university years trying to hide that I wasn’t a party girl. I spent many of my relationships hiding that I didn’t know anything about sex. And I spent most of my adult years hiding that I was a nerdy introvert, that I used to have serious anxiety attacks about money and that sometimes I felt very lonely.
A lot of these things made me feel like a loser so I kept pretending to be an outgoing, social, happy girl. Whenever I shared accommodation in my 20s, I always made plans to go out at weekends – not because I always wanted to be out but mostly because the thought of having to tell someone on Monday morning that I hadn’t done anything fun was unbearable.
The journey of slowly reclaiming and learning to accept and love myself – just as I am – has been long.
Thanks to tantric philosophy, I slowly began digging out my authentic self from underneath a huge pile of pretence, act and masks. It took a while to actually find the real me because I’d been hiding her so well for so many years.
At times, I wondered who Helena actually was… And whether I would ever find out.
These days, I don’t hide anymore. I have made a huge progress on the path of self-discovery, self-acceptance and ultimately – self-love. I perceive all of my experiences as precious, beautiful and natural. And do you know why? Because they’re all human. And because I’m a human. And because as a human being, I’m meant to feel these things.
Anger? Bring it on! Fear? I can handle it. Frustration? I’ll take it. Anxiety? Uhmmm, sure!
I don’t dwell in these energies but I don’t reject them either. If they come, I welcome them without judgement, I experience them with curiosity and I allow them to pass. In my sessions, I have witnessed a lot of people fighting their human experiences, trying to get over them quickly and ban them from their lives.
But you can’t ban a part of yourself.
Because these experiences that we dread, worry about and regret – they’re here to stay. So you might as well accept and welcome them. That’s exactly what I am doing and it’s working great for me! After so many years of hiding and denial, I’m actually truly fascinated by my human experience – with all of its rawness, fragility and depth. Sometimes my anger gets the better of me, sometimes I struggle and sometimes I fall. But that’s ok as well, it’s just a part of this beautiful human ride.
Because after all, I AM HUMAN. And that’s ok.
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I was always the shy introvert with the speech impediment growing up. Heading into uni at 21 I decided I could be whoever I wanted to be, so I let out the me I had never shown to anyone before. It turned out that my inner me was a supremely funny, outgoing guy. I still felt the same uncertainties, but did my best to ignore them. It’s good to know there were other people out there who were also hiding parts of themselves.
Just so you know, I never would have cared about any of your worries; not in the way you feared people would. I would’ve accepted them as normal and acted to help alleviate your stress over them in fun and inexpensive ways. Too bad we didn’t go to university together. I promise you your experiences would have been entirely different if I’d had anything to say about them.