According to a BBC article online, “more than a third of UK women under the age of 40 have experienced unwanted slapping, choking, gagging or spitting during consensual sex”. And “of the women who had experienced any of these acts, wanted or otherwise, 20% said they had been left upset or frightened.”.


On one hand, I really see the point the article is trying to make. It can be very unsafe and even traumatising to introduce acts perceived as violent into the bedroom without mutual consent and appropriate level of communication and agreements about it.


But it also seems that different media are trying to demonize this kind of acts. By portraying them as wrong and linked to male violence and porn-influence, we’re taking away the innocence of playfulness in the bedroom. This can also lead to an unhealthy idea that there is only one “right” way to experience sex and that other ways of sexual expression are somehow ‘invalid’.


I personally LOVE it when my lover is dominating, chokes me, spanks me and pulls my hair in bed. Obviously, I don’t want sex to play out this way every single time, but in appropriate measure (to be agreed upon by partners) and with full consent of both parties, these are extremely exciting and beautiful things to play with.


So maybe instead of criticising men and demonizing them for following their instincts and desires in the bedroom, we should focus more on educating them. Creating fear around kink and fetishes is unhealthy because a large portion of society enjoys them (yes, many more people than you would think!). Plus, they can be a part of a healthy erotic life, as long as all acts are 100% consensual.


Gentlemen, next time you’re in bed with your lady, instead of playing out any scenario that you find arousing, ASK HER first whether she’s willing to play with you this way. Make all agreements clear and well defined, even if that means a longer conversation than you would ideally prefer.


I promise that your sex life will benefit from it and that this kind of clear communication will not only create a safe container for both of you to play and experiment within, but also to dramatically deepen the level of pleasure, enjoyment, fun and connection that you can experience together!


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