When I work with couples, there is one matter that keeps arising in a majority of cases – the woman complains about the way her partner touches her. I keep hearing ‘he is too harsh’, ‘he hurts me’, ‘I don’t like having sex with him’, ‘I don’t like the way he touches my breasts’, ‘he keeps digging into my skin’, ‘I wish he was gentler’…
From there I proceed to identifying how the partner touches her and how she would like to be touched instead. For many men, it is quite a shock to learn this and many are not even aware up to that point that their partners were not satisfied. And this is the case not just for young couples, but for people who had spent 10, 20 or 30 years together!
Wisdom of Tantra
I like to point out to my clients a beautiful tantric analogy of water and fire. Masculine energy is like fire – hot, strong and quick to go up and to come down. As for the women, our energy is like water – slow to boil but capable of remaining very warm for a long time. Once they are aware of this difference, men need to attend to their partners first in order to start rising her temperature earlier so that they both can reach a boiling point together.
On average, women need at least four times as much time as men do to orgasm. If he ejaculates too quickly, he will leave her barely lukewarm and most likely frustrated. In the long term, men grow resentful as well, as they want to be able to satisfy their partners.
There are many beautiful tantric rituals, practices and games that lovers can practice (or play with) together. One of the most basic ones I like to recommend is watching each other self-pleasure. Are you not sure how to touch your partner? Ask them to show you! In my experience it is a very valuable practice, even though it might feel a little awkward at first.
I also teach my couples many skills and practices of tantric massage in order to give them some wonderful new ideas to touch each other better – for the maximum pleasure. I have beautiful cushions representing female and male genitalia which I use to teach genital massage. A tantric massage is an amazing gift to your partner and not too difficult to learn. As I show different strokes, I emphasize very strongly the need for a lubricant and I instruct the men exactly how to touch all the most sensitive parts of female genital anatomy.
Men usually have way less complaints about the way their lovers pleasure them but I still like to expand their play time by teaching the women different ways to touch the penis.
What pressure to use
Another significant element of this education is pressure and as I present different genital strokes, I also touch my client’s arm to make sure he understands just how lightly I am applying the stroke. When it comes to female genitalia, it is ALWAYS better to start too light than too firm as you can increase the pressure as you go (and as her arousal keeps growing).
A woman will contract and withdraw if you are too harsh with her. Again, if you are not certain – ask! ‘Darling, would you like this a little firmer or softer?’. Allow your partner to guide you and be very present with her body’s responses. Do not lose yourself in your own excitement too quickly, stay with her, observe her breath, her skin flushing, body movement, read her level of arousal and if she is going up, you are doing the right thing!
Become a sex god
Please remember, you will never satisfy her if you do not pay attention to her, if you abandon her in order to follow your own pleasure only. So seduce, arouse, excite and pleasure your goddess first and in return, she will make you feel like a sex god!
I feel very passionate about sharing these and many more tools with my clients. There is a lot of sexual frustration in our modern world and we can change that by studying Tantra and sacred sexuality, by making the romantic relationship one of the priorities in our lives.
If you resonate with this, please get in touch with me about my Couples’ Sessions!
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