I’ve been recently asked what I do during my sessions with clients and whether I teach them different sex positions. Well, that is actually one thing I rarely ever discuss. There is a variety of possibilities in the area of sex positions shown online and anybody can look them up if they’re curious.
But it did get me thinking as I realized that most people are not certain what happens during a session with a sex coach. The truth is that pretty much every session is different and all strongly depends on the particular problems and questions that my clients seek help with. Certain elements are fairly common and others – hugely unique.
So I am going to describe a session I ran recently with Greg (not his real name).
Greg is 32 and has been married for 3 years. Being still very young and in a fairly recent marriage, he was very concerned that his desire for intimate contact with his wife was significantly reducing each year and that at that stage they were having intercourse about once a month.
He masturbated regularly, always using porn and felt guilty about that. He wanted to let go of his porn addiction and re-connect sexually with his wife.
He also noticed that he wasn’t experiencing a lot of pleasure during sex and that his orgasms were premature and quite disappointing in intensity.
Marriage and desire
I started off explaining to him that a reduced desire in a long-term relationship is a very natural and common thing. Our bodies and minds are structured in a way that, with increased familiarity, the attractiveness of our partner declines. This is nature’s way of dealing with the risk of incest and this is why an exotic stranger is always more appealing sexually than our spouse.
We had a chat about the risks of allowing the intimacy to decline in a marriage and I also described beautiful practices, rituals and techniques that can help long-term partners rekindle the spark between them and bring back the passion.
Excessive use of porn
Greg was already making an effort to watch porn less and less so I coached him in healthier ways to enjoy sex videos and gave him easy and effective ways to have much more embodied experiences during masturbation. I also explained how porn trains our arousal to happen through the mind instead of the body.
The most natural way of becoming aroused is through touch, closeness, kiss, embrace – all these things happen at the level of the body, these are physical experiences. And porn stimulates our minds and then indirectly our genitals.
Another problem with porn is that it wires our nervous systems to react with excitement to highly stimulating images, full of action, arousal, multiple partners and even aggression. After a while our spouses have no chance of matching this level of excitement in our own bedroom.
So as we’re overstimulating our nervous systems through intense, aggressive porn on a regular basis, we become more and more de-sensitized. Due to the reduced sensitivity of our bodies, our own touch or our partner’s touch becomes simply not enough, giving us lessened sensations of pleasure and a lot less excitement.
Next we moved onto discussing his homework. I described in detail a beautiful and blissful self-touch ritual and gave him different techniques to play and experiment with. I also explained the best ways to find out more about particular things that would work best for his own preferences and desires.
At our next session, he described being completely mind-blown and ecstatic. He had never before experienced sexual pleasure outside of his genital area or arousal that lasted longer than a few minutes.
This is just one example of what might happen in a sex coaching session.
As a somatic sexologist, I don’t just talk to my clients. I also work with their bodies, teaching them to breathe, to move, to sound, to feel and to experience things in a completely new way. Some of my friends refer to this as a neck-down-therapy as opposed to the regular therapy model (the neck-up-therapy) where the therapist only uses conversation.
I feel very lucky to be able to work both with the mind and with the body as the sex primarily happens in the body. Instead of just explaining things to my clients, I can also show them through a variety of very practical homework experiences.
Greg called our sessions “enlightening” and left them profoundly inspired.
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