I keep hearing this question in my sessions, it keeps popping up in my emails and messages, people ask it on the phone.
Every time I hear this question, I feel sad and concerned.
This one particular question is so common, it feels like almost every man out there has asked it at one point or another.
This question actually pinpoints a serious issue in our modern relationships.
Two people get together. They have sex, a lot of sex.
Months go by. They stay together but the sex starts to disappear – slowly at first, until a few years later, there’s barely any sex left.
What to do?
Men from all over the globe message me asking whether they should cheat with a lover, hire escorts, leave the relationship or suffer in silence.
And the answer is not simple.
Ultimately, nobody can make that kind of choice for you as it is your life and the decision belongs to you.
What might be helpful is to unpack this situation and consider its possible reasons and solutions.
Men in relationships
I do sympathize with these men and I feel their suffering.
They have committed to the woman they love and they don’t want to cheat.
They would never want to hurt their partner with infidelity.
They feel powerless to change things, yet they have a strong sexual desire and want to connect intimately often.
Being sexual is programmed into our human nature and it’s a part of who we are.
This sexual aspect of ourselves should never be supressed or denied if we want to live whole, happy and healthy lives.
And so I believe strongly that if your partner is claiming a sole ownership of your sexuality, they need to feed and nurture it.
The right to be your monogamous partner comes with a responsibility to take care of the sexual aspect of the relationship.
Nobody has the right to demand you only have sex with them and then refuse to have sex with you.
If that’s the case, it might be time to look for sex elsewhere…
Women in relationships
At the same time, I need to ask: “Why doesn’t she want sex anymore?”.
“What has changed?”
Just as men, women also are sexual beings.
Women also crave an intimate connection and derive an immense amount of pleasure from sex.
In majority of cases if a woman turns sex down, it’s because of the poor quality of sex she is getting.
In our society, it’s not easy to find good quality information about sex.
We usually learn a few basics from TV, from peers and through our own experimentation.
We don’t have anybody who would answer all our questions in depth and we simply need to figure sex out for ourselves.
In relationships, we don’t understand each other sexually.
Most couples never talk about sex and have no idea what the partner actually likes in bed.
We assume that our partner should know how to pleasure us and we never bother to communicate about intimate touch.
Most men are so sex starved that they treat woman’s body as an instrument of a quick release.
Men want to satisfy their partners but assume that this quick, rushed sexual experience is enough for her as it usually is for him.
The man falls asleep happy and relaxed while the woman is left feeling frustrated and unfulfilled.
With time, she starts to find excuses to avoid sex as it is hardly worth the time and effort for her.
So what’s the solution? – Proper sexual education.
You cannot excel in something if you never take the time to study and practice the right kind of skills.
A master lover knows how to tease, nurture and satisfy his partner in bed.
How to entice her desire to the point where she is begging him for sex.
He knows where her ‘sweet spots’ are and he knows how to stroke them.
This kind of lover never has to plead for sex.
He sees his sexuality as a valuable gift that they both get to share together.
Any man can be a master lover.
It takes time and effort just as any other skill does.
But the payoff is immense.
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