Is Violence Ever Ok in Sex?

Is Violence Ever Ok in Sex?

According to a BBC article online, “more than a third of UK women under the age of 40 have experienced unwanted slapping, choking, gagging or spitting during consensual sex”. And “of the women who had experienced any of these acts, wanted or otherwise, 20% said they had been left upset or frightened.”.

 

On one hand, I really see the point the article is trying to make. It can be very unsafe and even traumatising to introduce acts perceived as violent into the bedroom without mutual consent and appropriate level of communication and agreements about it.

 

But it also seems that different media are trying to demonize this kind of acts. By portraying them as wrong and linked to male violence and porn-influence, we’re taking away the innocence of playfulness in the bedroom. This can also lead to an unhealthy idea that there is only one “right” way to experience sex and that other ways of sexual expression are somehow ‘invalid’.

 

I personally LOVE it when my lover is dominating, chokes me, spanks me and pulls my hair in bed. Obviously, I don’t want sex to play out this way every single time, but in appropriate measure (to be agreed upon by partners) and with full consent of both parties, these are extremely exciting and beautiful things to play with.

 

So maybe instead of criticising men and demonizing them for following their instincts and desires in the bedroom, we should focus more on educating them. Creating fear around kink and fetishes is unhealthy because a large portion of society enjoys them (yes, many more people than you would think!). Plus, they can be a part of a healthy erotic life, as long as all acts are 100% consensual.

 

Gentlemen, next time you’re in bed with your lady, instead of playing out any scenario that you find arousing, ASK HER first whether she’s willing to play with you this way. Make all agreements clear and well defined, even if that means a longer conversation than you would ideally prefer.

 

I promise that your sex life will benefit from it and that this kind of clear communication will not only create a safe container for both of you to play and experiment within, but also to dramatically deepen the level of pleasure, enjoyment, fun and connection that you can experience together!

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What Your Masturbation Habits Say About You

What Your Masturbation Habits Say About You

When I first started studying masturbation coaching within my sexological training, I was mind-blown. I had no idea that when it comes to self-pleasuring, the number of techniques, practices and ideas is endless…

 

At that point in my life, I had been touching myself in a fairly routine way – I knew my most sensitive erogenous zones and I knew what kind of strokes worked on them. I knew what kind of pressure, speed and intensity I needed in order to orgasm and I always took myself to the climax in a fairly similar way.

 

Is this the same for you? Is there a certain routine in your masturbation practice? Are you still touching yourself in the same way you did 10 years ago? 15 years ago?

 

Most people do!

 

A lot of people form self-touch habits early in their lives. They start masturbating as teenagers and – usually by necessity – touch themselves in a highly efficient way in order to come quickly. This is typically to avoid being caught in the act (by the parent or someone else). Lack of solid sexual education at this stage of our lives means that we usually need to work things out for ourselves. And this in most cases contributes to a fairly narrow range of strokes and techniques we use.

 

And what most people don’t realize is that their self-pleasure practice greatly impacts on the quality of their partnered sex life. You see, every time you touch and arouse your body in a particular way, you’re wiring your nervous system to respond with sexual tension to a particular kind of touch. Over time, this can cause your body to become wired to respond to erotic touch in a very particular way and to require a particular kind of stimulation to achieve satisfaction and pleasure.

 

And this might be difficult for your partner to recreate.

 

This kind of repeated, routine self-stimulation can also limit your pleasure potential due to neuroplasticity. Put simply, if you’re regularly using certain neural connections and ignoring others, you’ll strengthen a few neural connections while allowing many others to become dormant. After all, neurons that fire together, wire together. And if you’re repeatedly firing few particular ones for your pleasure, the rest of your vast and rich neural network available for erotic play will become deactivated.

 

So I want to invite you to a little self inquiry today.

 

Make yourself a cup of tea, grab a journal and answer the following questions:

1/ How satisfied are you with your sex life (either solo or with a partner)?

2/ Do your sexual experiences feel rushed?

3/ Do you wish you made love for longer?

4/ Where do you mostly feel pleasure in your body?

5/ Is your pleasure mainly focused in your genital area?

6/ Does your pleasure expand and vibrate through your entire system?

7/ How do you feel afterwards?

8/ Do you feel satisfied, energized and deeply nurtured?

9/ Or do you feel frustrated, tired and depleted?

10/ Are you keen to experience more in the bedroom?

 

This kind of self-inquiry can provide valuable insight and a powerful way to establish where you are at sexually right now. It can also help you form an idea of what is lacking and what you’d like to create in your erotic experiences.

 

And if this is something you’d like to explore in more detail, my Masturbation Coaching online program answers a lot of questions and offers a wide range of ideas, techniques and practices that can rewire your system for much more pleasure, deeper bliss and wider orgasmic potential.

 

When I talk to people who are frustrated sexually, I always ask them about their self-touch practice…

 

How you touch yourself holds a lot of answers when it comes to any issues in the bedroom.

 

And it also holds a key to creating a lifetime of sexual pleasure and fulfilment!

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Essential Guide to Spanking

Essential Guide to Spanking

As both a keen receiver and giver of spanking, I’ve learned over the years that this form of kink can be pleasurable, fun and even orgasmic when performed right. But it can also be unpleasant, irritating or painful when performed without appropriate skill or insight.

 

My own butt is a highly erogenous zone which enjoys many different kinds of touch…

 

… It also seems to draw my lovers’ hands to it almost magically as I cannot actually recall ever having a partner who was NOT spanking me on a regular basis.

 

Because of that, my ass has experienced many forms of touch and spanking – the gentle, the intense, the slow, the fast, the Zen, the tantric, etc. Most of it was great, some of it – not so much. And on the basis of all of that empirical research, let me share with you my findings…

 

What goes without saying is that you need to obtain consent from your partner first. If they’re not into spanking, don’t do it. But if they’re willing to try, here are my top tips for a great spanking session:

 

1/ Location

Of course, you can spank or slap your partner on different body parts, but when it comes to their butt, there are some rules. Generally, the bottom half of the butt – the fleshy part – is most pleasurable to spank. The top part or the area near the hip can be quite unpleasant or even painful so make sure to check in with your partner about their preference first.

 

2/ Communication

Until you learn your partner’s preferences and tolerance for spanking, it’s a great idea to ask them to use a scale of intensity of 1 to 10. Also ask them, what level of intensity they’ll be willing to go up to. 1 is a very mild spank they can barely feel while 10 is an intense pain. If they choose to go up to 7, ask them to rate the spanking as you go so that you can learn where their limits are.

They don’t have to rate every single slap but mainly the ones where you increase intensity.

 

3/ No bang

In case of spanking, do not start off with a bang. You’ll need to build up to it. This is quite important and, on many occasions, poor spankers have totally turned me off with this mistake.

When you start off with a powerful slap, the area is not usually prepared yet and the experience will be most likely painful. So instead of an orgasmic moan, you’ll get from your lover an irritated “ouch”!

Start with little, gentle slaps and after each few, make sure to massage the area with your open palm. While massaging, allow your hand to also glide up to their back or down the legs in order to spread out yummy sensations.

When I have spank-gasms, the pleasure shoots from my butt up and down through my entire body so it’s essential to activate your lover’s entire system and to open up those energy channels for the yummy erotic energy to travel freely.

 

4/ Vary speed and intensity

Constantly going at the same speed and intensity will quickly make things boring. So, change it up! Build up from gentle slaps to stronger ones. Once your partner is good and ready, surprise them with a well-timed sharp spank. Play with a succession of quick ones and then make them wait for your hand.

Slow down and apply your spanking like an artist, playing your partner’s butt like a gorgeous instrument.

 

5/ Have fun!

Make sure to enjoy yourself! If you’re not going to have fun, it’s not likely that your partner will. This should be a playful experience for both of you.

 

Make sure to also discuss the experience afterwards. Ask your partner what they enjoyed and what they didn’t. Enquire whether they’d be willing to play with spanking again and if so, how can you make the experience even better.

 

Remember that everybody is different and that the only way to learn their preferences is through honest and open communication. There’s a lot of fun to be had in the bedroom. But it’s essential to know your partner’s body well enough so that you can give them most pleasure and reduce any potential discomfort.

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About Full-Body Orgasms

About Full-Body Orgasms

Recently I gave an interview where one of the questions asked was “what is a full-body orgasm?”. As this is something I hear very often AND just in case you were also wondering, let me tell you a little story from my life…

 

One of my first full-body orgasms happened when I was driving my car.

 

I was exercising my PC muscle (aka doing kegels) while breathing my erotic energy up and down my spine. I felt good, happy and excited about life. I was listening to some of my favourite songs and I was looking around at the beautiful nature, feeling joyful and satisfied with life. Suddenly an amazing orgasmic tingling sensation started travelling through my body. As I kept breathing, waves of orgasmic energy started rolling through my system and I kept fuelling them with my breath. As soon as they would decrease in intensity, I would concentrate again on deep breaths in order to keep the wonderful feeling going. This entire orgasmic experience lasted about 20 minutes.

Since that experience, I’ve been giving myself orgasms regularly using just my breath. This ability had also shifted my relationship with clitoral orgasms as they now seemed way too quick, sharp and somehow unsatisfying in most cases. They just couldn’t compare to riding orgasmic waves for minutes or hours. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with clitoral stimulation because there isn’t and I do enjoy it tremendously! But in most cases I use it to give my sexual energy a boost and not as the only means of achieving an orgasm.

 

At that point of my life, I also started questioning the definition of orgasm as a purely genital experience.

 

After doing a bit of research, I found out that Tantra recognizes many, many different types of orgasms (as opposed to just genital orgasms) and that the description of this experience is much broader than what we’re used to in the Western world. According to Tantric teachings, an orgasm is a release or movement of energy in the body. It usually comes with a feeling of being high on life, on an emotion (happiness, gratitude, but also anger, sadness, etc.). A full-body orgasm can be experienced pretty much anytime and anywhere and can be triggered by a beautiful sunset, feeling of love, taste of chocolate, etc. This kind of sensation is much different than a peak, clitoral orgasm as it involves your entire body and lasts much, much longer.

And even more to the point – full-body orgasms can be experienced with a lover. They’re not limited to people with certain skills, body type or level of consciousness. Everybody, regardless of their gender, age or sexual experience, can ride orgasmic waves during sex and in fact, it’s one of the best opportunities to do so.

The reason why I started here with a story of a self-induced (and breath-induced) full-body orgasm is simply that once you can experience them on your own, you can easily have them with a partner.

 

Yes, it all starts with you!

 

A prerequisite of a tantric orgasm is being present and that means being fully in the moment, mindful of one’s body and sensations. These days we’re rarely truly present as we keep worrying about the future or the past. As a result, the present moment gets very little attention. Stressed about what happened during the day or making plans for the future, we rarely find the time to simply observe the current moment. We miss out on all the joy of mindfully appreciating that cappuccino or a conversation with a friend. The mind always racing, we barely ever experience a peaceful moment of acknowledgement or gratitude.

And it’s in those gentle moments of calm mind and open spirit that we find most beauty, joy and wonder. As you watch the world around you with glittering eyes and quiet appreciation, simply allow your energy to travel up and down your body with relaxed muscles and a full abdominal breath. As you clear more and more energetic blockages in your body, you’ll find yourself tingling more and more with deep, orgasmic sensations.

 

And this is exactly what happened to me in the car…

 

I was fully present in the moment, simply observing the world around me and listening to the music, happy and completely stress free. My body was relaxed and open, my mind was calm and present. Life felt amazing! And then the orgasm came.

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Have You Had Your Sungasm Yet?

Have You Had Your Sungasm Yet?

What answer would you give me if I asked you: “Can you feel your body?”

Would it be: “Yes, of course!” or would you stop to really think about it?

 

What if I told you that you’ve forgotten how to actually feel your body?

 

And that if you were really feeling it, you’d be in a mild (or not so mild) ecstatic state every time you took a deep breath? Every time you experienced warm breeze on your skin? Every time sun kissed your face?…

 

But if you have been following me for a while and you haven’t had your sun-gasm yet, we still have more work to do here 😉

 

I often joke that in my sessions, I teach people how to feel.

 

But in many cases, that’s exactly what happens. A lot of people come to me to learn to experience better, stronger orgasms, to become multi-orgasmic or to master the art of full-body ecstasy. And everybody’s journey towards these experiences is different and unique. But it ALWAYS involves developing more sensitivity and more awareness of the subtlest sensations.

 

This process is not complicated or difficult. It simply takes time. Whatever you pay attention to, becomes stronger. Wherever your awareness flows, grows and expands. If you spend some time daily connecting to your sensory receptors, the neural connections between your brain and your pleasure will get stronger.

 

That’s the magic of human body – it always keeps adapting and changing.

 

It’s never still, it’s a process that keeps happening. And you can consciously affect this ‘becoming’.

 

The science of neuroplasticity tells us that neurons that fire together, wire together. That means that if you often feel grumpy upon waking up early, you’re linking the experience of early morning with a bad mood. If you often whinge about bad traffic, you’re wiring being in the car with having a horrible experience. And if you’re often getting stuck in your head during sex, you’re disconnecting yourself from the delicious pleasure in your body AND your full orgasmic potential.

 

There’s good news – this process is fully reversible.

 

You can completely turn around your relationship with your body, your genitals, your pleasure and the full depth of your orgasms. And this means teaching your nervous system how to feel again, how to feel better and deeper.

 

You need to learn how to feel things in your body that you may have never felt before – the flow of breath through your system, your muscles relaxing and contracting, the blood flowing through your veins, your heartbeat, the touch of clothes on your skin, the pressure of furniture underneath you, energetic flows and blockages manifesting as subtle sensations, the sense of aliveness just underneath your skin, temperature changes in and outside of your body and much, much more.

 

Exercise:

 

The best way to start is to spend 5 minutes (or longer) every day on a simple activity – feeling. This is a completely uninterrupted time – just you and your body. Make sure to sit or lie down comfortably, close your eyes and slightly deepen your breathing. Once you’re feeling relaxed, start slowly scanning your entire body. You don’t need to make anything happen, just look for sensations. Be curious but don’t form any specific expectations. Allow your body to surprise you.

 

When performed regularly, this exercise will start to completely alter your connection with your body. You’ll start to strengthen the existing and form new neural connections between your brain and your pleasure. You’ll start experiencing new types of sensations and your pleasure will gain new depth and new layers to it. You won’t believe that you’d ever been able to experience sexual satisfaction before!

 

This new level of sensitivity will open up a completely new landscape of sensuality, eroticism and orgasmic potential for you. Will you give it a go? I hope so!

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5 Steps to a Better Masturbation Practice

5 Steps to a Better Masturbation Practice

I recently got a very interesting question from one of my readers:

“Do you think I could learn on my own to be the lover I crave to make love to? Or is it ultimately only possible to experience sacred sex with another?

I want to do everything in my power to free myself from all that inhibits me sexually and to experience deep love and pleasure but I’m not in a position to do that with a lover.”

 

Social stigma

For different reasons, many people in our society are not able to connect intimately with others at one time or another in their lives. This should never be a reason to put your sexual practice on hold! In fact, your self-pleasuring practice is the most primary form of sexual expression.

Our society seems to indicate to us that masturbation is only for people between relationships, older or incapacitated people, or maybe some desperate individuals. This unfortunately creates a level of stigma around self-touch and stops us from embracing it as a healthy and valid form of sexual practice.

 

Training your pleasure

I believe that this conditioning is actually really hurting our sex lives. I believe that creating a beautiful and profoundly ecstatic self-pleasuring practice can really support you in becoming a wonderful lover to another person.

I spend a big chunk of my sessions on masturbation coaching. I consider it absolutely crucial for embracing our pleasure and awakening our full orgasmic potential.

We watch movies and porn that show us people in moments of deep ecstasy and pleasure. So we aspire to similar experiences in our own bedrooms. But the body needs training in order to become fully orgasmic. You need to teach yourself pleasure before you can have your mind blown on a regular basis with a lover.

 

Self-pleasuring better

So here are my 5 steps to a more embodied and more profound masturbation practice:

 

1/ Set an intention

This is an important one. An intention creates your experience, it’s a bridge between now and the future. Don’t just go with whatever happens – consciously create your pleasure!

What would you like to achieve through your self-touch today? Would you like to explore new erogenous zones on your body? Would you like to last half an hour before coming? Would you like to feel more love and compassion in your body? Or maybe bring more sensations to areas that feel a bit numb?…

 

2/ Awaken your entire body

Now it’s time to connect with your whole physical system. You can do this through movement (dancing, shaking, yoga, stretching, etc.) or through touch by giving yourself a loving full body massage. Feel free to spend as little or as much time on this step as you need. At the end you should feel vibrant and alive from head to toe.

 

3/ Use your breath consciously

Keep taking deep, full breaths throughout the entire session.

When we get aroused, we tend to shorten and constrict our breathing. This locks sexual pleasure in one spot, usually our genitals. If you want to have a more expanded, powerful experience, breathe deeply in order to allow that erotic charge to travel up and down your entire body.

 

4/ Slow down

Another very important tip!

As you’re stroking your favourite erogenous zones, take your time. Do not rush to the finish line. Keep breathing deeply, allowing the delicious sensations to keep spreading through your entire system.

And remember – the longer you hold off before the big O, the more intense it will be!

 

5/ Integrate

After climax, don’t rush off anywhere, just stay where you are.

Allow yourself a few minutes to relax and feel your entire body as all the pleasure hormones are happily travelling through your system. These few minutes at the end are crucial to teach your body about bliss. This is when your brain is working hard, creating all the new neural connections, learning from this experience so that next time you can go even deeper.

 

To learn more about sacred masturbation practices, check out my online course Masturbation Coaching.

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