How Long Should Sex Last

How Long Should Sex Last

I recently talked about how often you should be having sex. And today I want to discuss the ideal duration of a sexual intercourse. Do you wonder what’s normal or standard? How long do other people have sex for? And how you compare to that?

 

I feel like first of all we need to define sex

 

What are we actually talking about here – when does sex begin and when does it end. What exactly is the picture in your mind when you hear the word “sex”? Is it the penis-in-the-vagina penetration alone? What about foreplay? And the cuddling afterwards? And what if you decide to have sex again. Is that two separate experiences or one extended sexual encounter?

 

So the statistics shared by the sexological community typically refer to the penetration alone. And the average duration of sexual intercourse viewed from that perspective is… 5.4 minutes. So that’s 5.4 mins from the moment of putting the penis inside the vagina, to the point of ejaculation.

 

The problem is that this length of time is typically described by women as insufficient for sexual satisfaction

 

Women on average need 4 times longer to orgasm than men do. So if she’s hoping to orgasm from penetration alone, her chances might not be that great if he cannot last longer.

 

And the truth here is that you need to find your own sweet spot when it comes to your relationship – your own perfect situation that will create this lovely feeling of satisfaction and intimate nourishment for both partners. Most people describe sex that lasts under 5 mins as too short. To many other people intercourse that goes for more than 15 mins is seen as too long. Others still can go on for hours and will cherish every moment of it.

 

So what is actually desirable for you and for your partner?

 

And here it’s also good to be clear on our desires relating to the entire sexual experience, as opposed to just the penetration alone.

 

So how much foreplay do you both desire? What exactly should happen during foreplay to give you both pleasure and a good level of arousal? How long should that part go for? And once penetration starts, can you both move freely between penetrative and non-penetrative sex? Or do you both prefer to keep going until some sort of conclusion occurs?

 

What does that conclusion look like?

 

Is it his ejaculation? Or are you not done until both partners have orgasmed?

 

And this is not to say that your sexual encounter should be the same each time. Sometimes it’s great to have a long, sensual experience full of teasing and playfulness. At other times a quickie is exactly what you both need and desire.

 

But the main point here is to recognize your own desires and to honour them, together with your partner’s desires

 

Which brings me to 2 significant issues that most couples need to address – his ability to last longer and her ability to have orgasms in order to derive much more satisfaction from sex.

 

Let’s first talk about men…

 

Gentlemen, if you feel like you struggle to last as long as you would like to, please be aware that you can train your body to last longer. It’s fairly simple and anybody can do it.

 

I talk about that topic in much more detail in my Tantric Mastery for Men course. But you can start by watching my video TANTRIC SECRET TO LAST LONGER IN BED.

 

And ladies…

 

If you’re currently struggling to orgasm during sex, then please be aware that there are different powerful tools and techniques that can help you re-sensitize your body for much more pleasure, sensuality and for deeper, more amazing orgasms.

 

And I talk in depth about that in my Orgasmic Empowerment for Women course. But for now you might want to start with my video GUIDE TO FEMALE ORGASM. And if on top of that struggle to orgasm, you also experience pain or discomfort during sex, then make sure to check out my video 4 STEPS TO DE-ARMOUR YOUR VAGINA.

 

Look, great, satisfying sex that lasts exactly as long as you both need and desire is a tricky goal

 

But you can both do a lot to come much closer to creating this kind of amazing sexual experiences in your bedroom much more often if you choose to educate yourself on the topic of sex and if you’re willing to invest some time and energy into your sex life.

 

I share regular articles and videos on the topic of great sex so make sure to take a stroll through my YouTube channel and watch whichever videos pique your interest.

 

Please also comment below to let me know your thoughts and your reaction to the 5.4min average of sexual intercourse. Do you think that’s long or short?

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How to Maintain Passion in Relationships?

How to Maintain Passion in Relationships?

If you’ve been in a relationship before, you’ve probably noticed that with time, the spark and sizzle of a passionate connection reduces. Sometimes even disappears completely. So, what to do to keep that desire, passion and flame alive? Is it even possible? Keep reading because I’m going to explain all of that!

I have lost count a long time ago of how many times I’ve heard from my clients the phrase “We don’t have sex anymore” 

A lot of couples come to see me with some version of this story: “we haven’t had sex in months”, or “we only have sex once every few months”, or “my partner never initiates and I’ve stopped trying too”.

So, what’s the problem? Why do we crave sex and have so much of it at the beginning but we seem to struggle with it further down the road? And is it possible to enjoy a frequent, intimate and orgasmic sex life in a long-term relationship?

Well, the answer is: yes, it absolutely is possible! However, it comes at a price…

Let me explain!

Most people assume that a hot sex life is a natural consequence of a loving relationship. But that’s incorrect! If that were true, there would be a lot less sexless marriages out there!

The story I hear most often is “we love each other very much… and we don’t have sex anymore”.

The real issue is that we stop trying

We de-prioritize our sex life and we let it stagnate. One of the biggest reasons for this problem is that very notion that passionate sex life should spontaneously follow from a romantic love.

The truth is – sexual passion is a result of a conscious decision. Long years of an erotic connection is something that we create. It’s extremely rare to have that kind of bond in your relationship naturally. Most of us have to work for it.

And there are 5 different things we should be paying a particular attention to:

1/ emotional connection 

Take care of your emotional connection! There is a very strong link between how you relate emotionally and how you relate sexually. When the emotional connection suffers, so will the sex.

Any resentment, upset, sense of betrayal, etc. either of you holds against each other needs to be faced, addressed and processed properly. For some couples this might mean working with a qualified relationship therapist. So make sure to use them, that’s what they’re trained to do!

2/ being an individual 

Stop defining yourself as a half of a whole. Stop spending every possible second with your sweetheart. Make sure to fully develop your identity as a full and whole human being, outside of your relationship.

What are your passions? Your hobbies? What do you enjoy doing without your partner? Make sure to focus on that, as well as focusing on your connection.

Because closeness increases love but kills passion. Whereas separateness grows your desire for each other.

3/ date each other 

Having only spontaneous sex is a myth. A lot of people resist the idea of scheduling sex. But remember when you first met and you had a lot of hot fun together? What did you do back then?

You scheduled sex! You planned it, you arranged dates, you looked forward to it, you prepared for it, you wanted to make it special.

There was nothing spontaneous about it – it was planned and it was probably very satisfying.

So start taking each other on dates. Take turns and put one person in charge of everything. The partner in charge will plan and prepare everything as a gift to their lover. And next time, you’ll swap

4/ explore Tantra

I teach a lot of my clients different tantric techniques and rituals. Tantric practices are an incredibly beautiful way to grow the intimacy, connection and sensuality in your relationship.

Tantra also teaches men and women how to have better sex – how to make sex last much longer, how to resensitize your entire system for expanded, full-body energetic orgasms, how to be multi-orgasmic and how to enter states of trance like bliss and orgasmic merging together in bed.

So if you’re finding that your sex life is lacking something or that simply you’d love to take your bedroom connection to a whole new level, make sure to check out my Tantric Sex for Couples online course. Tantra is the most straightforward path towards better sex, stronger orgasms and deeper pleasure.

5/ be playful

Your sex life doesn’t need to be a serious matter. Have fun with it! Take a trip to a sex shop or eBay online and look for toys, outfits and accessories that you find exciting. Share your sexual fantasies with each other and discuss which ones of them you’d like to play out.

You might want to dance and strip for each other, have a pillow fight, play naked poker, give each other an erotic massage, have sex outdoors or play a doctor and a naughty nurse. It’s YOUR sex life and nobody gets to decide what it looks like but the two of you.

This is obviously just the tip of the iceberg of the topic of sexual passion and desire in relationships and I’ll be posting more on this topic soon.

Please also comment below and let me know which ones of my tips you’re going to try. I always respond personally to all of the comments and I can’t wait to read yours.

 

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How Often Should You Have Sex

How Often Should You Have Sex

Have you ever wondered how often you should be having sex? What’s normal? What’s standard? What’s recommended by sex therapists? If you have, you’re not alone! I’ve heard that question from my clients many, many times over the years and in this article, I have some answers for you.

I guess a lot of people wonder about some sort of “standard” in sex

How often should you do it, what should it look like, what makes for the most satisfying erotic experience and what to do to have the best orgasms.

I know that I was wondering that myself for many years. To be honest I received zero sexual education when I was young. I didn’t even get the “condom on the banana” talk. I knew absolutely nothing and I entered the world of sex truly clueless.

As a teenager, I was slowly learning from TV, from my friends in school and eventually from my interactions with men. But it was a bit like the blind leading the blind because others knew little more than I did. And the information I was receiving was mostly incorrect and misleading.

It’s such a shame that sexuality in modern world is covered with such thick layer of shame, guilt, embarrassment and inhibitions

How something so beautiful, intimate and nurturing can be perceived as so wrong and inappropriate?! It’s beyond me but that in itself is a topic for a whole different article.

So the answer to the question: how often you should have sex is simple – as often as you want to.

When I work with clients in my sessions, before I recommend anything, I always ask them what they actually want and desire in their sex lives. We’re all unique and our sex drive or a level of sexual activity that will bring us most joy, nourishment and pleasure depends on a variety of factors.

There’s no such thing as a “recommended frequency of sex” 

Every couple is different. The best way to look at it is: what do you and your partner desire? What level of sexual closeness and connection do you need in order to feel loved and cared for in your relationship?

For some people that’s sexual intercourse every day. For others, it’s once a week, once a month, etc. Other people still see sex as a chore or a nuisance and delegate it to only big, significant occasions in their lives.

And it’s all good and fine as long as you or your partner are not experiencing sexual frustration or resentment about your sexual connection. The moment the frustration starts, that’s where the problems begin and that’s where I come in with my professional help and expertise.

And by the way – how often do you want to have sex?

Are you clear on your answer to this question? Do you know where your partner stands on this issue? Let me know your number in comments below.

I actually released a video recently on the topic of “Do women like sex”. The video’s been really popular so far because it addresses 5 main factors that determine women’s desire for frequent sex. So make sure to check it out as well!

And if you’re finding that your sex life is getting infrequent and sort of boring or routine, have a look also at my Tantric Sex for Couples online course that will teach you how to infuse your intimate connection with more passion and desire.

So I guess our last question remains – what to do when there’s a conflict between your desired frequency of sex and that of your partner.

What if these numbers are different

And trust me, they probably will be because it’s hard to get together with someone who’s sex drive matches yours exactly.

But don’t worry, if your numbers are different, you’re not doomed. You simply need to create a win-win situation where you’re aware of your own needs and desires related to a more or less frequent sex. And you’re also aware of your partner’s preferences.

Once you’re both clear on that, you can work out a situation that works best for both of you. And here, my Tantric Sex for Couples online course can really help by introducing much more excitement, passion, joy and connection to your bedroom activities.

Because some couples simply need a bit more thinking outside of the box in order to bring back that spark and sizzle of a frequent and fulfilling sexual bond

 

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How to Touch a Woman

How to Touch a Woman

When I work with couples, there is one matter that keeps arising in a majority of cases – the woman complains about the way her partner touches her. I keep hearing ‘he is too harsh’, ‘he hurts me’, ‘I don’t like having sex with him’, ‘I don’t like the way he touches my breasts’, ‘he keeps digging into my skin’, ‘I wish he was gentler’…

From there I proceed to identifying how the partner touches her and how she would like to be touched instead. For many men, it is quite a shock to learn this and many are not even aware up to that point that their partners were not satisfied. And this is the case not just for young couples, but for people who had spent 10, 20 or 30 years together!

 

Wisdom of Tantra

I like to point out to my clients a beautiful tantric analogy of water and fire. Masculine energy is like fire – hot, strong and quick to go up and to come down. As for the women, our energy is like water – slow to boil but capable of remaining very warm for a long time. Once they are aware of this difference, men need to attend to their partners first in order to start rising her temperature earlier so that they both can reach a boiling point together.

On average, women need at least four times as much time as men do to orgasm. If he ejaculates too quickly, he will leave her barely lukewarm and most likely frustrated. In the long term, men grow resentful as well, as they want to be able to satisfy their partners.

 

Helpful practices

There are many beautiful tantric rituals, practices and games that lovers can practice (or play with) together. One of the most basic ones I like to recommend is watching each other self-pleasure. Are you not sure how to touch your partner? Ask them to show you! In my experience it is a very valuable practice, even though it might feel a little awkward at first.

I also teach my couples many skills and practices of tantric massage in order to give them some wonderful new ideas to touch each other better – for the maximum pleasure. I have beautiful cushions representing female and male genitalia which I use to teach genital massage. A tantric massage is an amazing gift to your partner and not too difficult to learn. As I show different strokes, I emphasize very strongly the need for a lubricant and I instruct the men exactly how to touch all the most sensitive parts of female genital anatomy.

Read more here: “How to give a woman a yoni massage”

Men usually have way less complaints about the way their lovers pleasure them but I still like to expand their play time by teaching the women different ways to touch the penis.

Read more here: “How to give a man a lingam massage”

 

What pressure to use

Another significant element of this education is pressure and as I present different genital strokes, I also touch my client’s arm to make sure he understands just how lightly I am applying the stroke. When it comes to female genitalia, it is ALWAYS better to start too light than too firm as you can increase the pressure as you go (and as her arousal keeps growing).

A woman will contract and withdraw if you are too harsh with her. Again, if you are not certain – ask! ‘Darling, would you like this a little firmer or softer?’. Allow your partner to guide you and be very present with her body’s responses. Do not lose yourself in your own excitement too quickly, stay with her, observe her breath, her skin flushing, body movement, read her level of arousal and if she is going up, you are doing the right thing!

 

Become a sex god

Please remember, you will never satisfy her if you do not pay attention to her, if you abandon her in order to follow your own pleasure only. So seduce, arouse, excite and pleasure your goddess first and in return, she will make you feel like a sex god!

I feel very passionate about sharing these and many more tools with my clients. There is a lot of sexual frustration in our modern world and we can change that by studying Tantra and sacred sexuality, by making the romantic relationship one of the priorities in our lives.

If you resonate with this, please get in touch with me about my Couples’ Sessions!

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