Are You Sexually Compatible With Your Partner?

Are You Sexually Compatible With Your Partner?

When I work with people in relationships, a question that arises often in my sessions is: “Are we sexually compatible?”. There are a lot of reasons why people would ask me this – differences in libido, in sexual preferences, desires, different ideas what good sex looks like, etc.

 

In particular, different levels of libido is something that a lot of couples struggle with.

 

It seems that one partner usually wants it more than the other. And very few people have any helpful ideas about the reasons for this situation or about ways to address it.

 

Waning passion and desire is another problem that many couples face. Or keeping sex exciting instead of falling into a routine that eventually tends to become boring.

 

What I observe regularly is a deep sense of anxiety or fear about what they might learn about themselves in my sessions. I mean, who wouldn’t fear hearing from a sex therapist that they’re not sexually compatible with their partner?! And if that was to happen, what does it actually mean for the relationship? Is it the end? Or can they work through it?

 

There is no official definition of what sexual compatibility actually means.

 

The often-recognized meaning talks about similar sexual desires, needs and preferences. This can include things like frequency and duration of sexual intercourse, shared turn ons, preference for similar activities and forms of erotic expressions, etc.

 

However, I feel like this can leave a lot of couples confused. After all, not many partners share each other’s preferences and desires in the bedroom. Does it mean that they’re sexually incompatible? Not necessarily…

 

In my experience as a sex therapist, it’s actually quite rare to come across couples that share a lot of each other’s sexual needs and preferences.

 

The differences are much more common than shared ground. Yet, these couples can create very satisfying and fulfilling sex lives together. How do they do it? It requires good communication, a bit of negotiation and some give and take.

 

This means recognizing and expressing clearly what you desire and need in the bedroom. This also means hearing your partner and understanding their preferences. And finally, it means making sure the needs of both people are met – in a way that both can happily consent to.

 

It doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want in the bedroom.

 

It means that sometimes you’ll be giving your partner what they desire and not necessarily getting what you want on that particular night. But it also means that your partner is going to extend the same generosity to you – taking care of your needs (potentially on a different night) and foregoing their own wants to some degree. So in this context it might be more appropriate to talk about a SCALE of compatibility as opposed to a purely binary situation where you either are or are not sexually compatible.

 

Successful couples are those that are willing to give to each other, not only take.

 

So where does sexual IN-compatibility start?

 

Sexual incompatibility enters the picture when fulfilling your partner’s sexual needs means creating discomfort, pain or suffering (physical, mental or emotional) for yourself. If your partner needs anal sex to be sexually satisfied, while for you anal sex tends to be uncomfortable or painful, you’re likely sexually incompatible. If your partner needs sensual evenings of intimate connection and romance which you cannot possibly imagine yourself doing because all you want is role-play and kink, you’re likely sexually incompatible…

 

If this is an area of struggle in your relationship, make sure to consult myself or another reputable sex therapist. A little professional help can go a long way in creating much more intimacy, passion and sexual satisfaction in your relationship. I have helped many couples re-create desire and sexual connection in their bedrooms. The world of human eroticism is deep, complex and fascinating. So it pays to get a helping hand in navigating these challenges!

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How Is Covid-19 Affecting Your Sex Life?

How Is Covid-19 Affecting Your Sex Life?

Mere weeks ago, we had no idea what a Coronavirus was. In early March I was still planning my workshops and events (yes, in person!) and filling my calendar with social get-togethers. I was popping into my favourite cafés for a brunch or coffee while looking forward to an August trip to Europe to see my family. Awwww… good old times!

 

When the social distancing measures were put in place, I deleted a lot of things from my calendar.

 

And whatever was left, I converted into the online world. I moved all my sessions and events onto Zoom and cancelled anything that I couldn’t do online.

 

I’m still working – from home. I can get a lot done with a laptop and an internet connection so I’m feeling fortunate. I’m also still able to run sessions with clients which allows me a deep insight into the minds, hearts and bedrooms of people all over the world. Some are home alone, some are with their partners, some with families or friends. And many are reporting some level of impact that COVID-19 is having on their sex life and libido.

 

There are people who are now desiring sex more than ever.

 

The uncertainty we’re currently experiencing about our lives, our future, or our health can be a driving force behind seeking comfort and safety in the arms of a lover. This means a deep frustration for people who are single or live alone, or are separated from their partners.

 

Many people are currently feeling unsettled, frustrated, lost or angry at the Coronavirus situation and sex can provide a much needed release, a happy place to go to in order to lift our moods and morale. Spending intimate time with our partners can also be an amazing therapy in this strange world of isolation and disconnection.

 

But there are also people for whom sex is at the bottom of the priority list right now.

 

A sense of stress, fear or anxiety can repress libido and push sex out of our minds. After all, why would you worry about sex if your job, your income, your family or your own health and life were potentially at risk right now?!

 

Couples who are spending a lot of time together can also struggle with conflict and resentment. And if there are kids present in the house as well, that just might mean even less privacy and more stress keeping both partners from connecting sexually.

 

We’re living in unprecedented times (and hey, what a great story to tell our grandkids one day!) so it’s crucial to find our own way through the confusion, anxiety, fear or grief caused by COVID-19.

 

The first thing is to not judge yourself for potentially not coping with it all as well as you would ideally like.

 

And the second – to self-nurture, with the kind of compassion you would show a loved one.

 

This might mean sleeping a bit longer than you usually would. Or eating more comfort foods. Or giving yourself more time to deliver your tasks and chores. Or saying “no” to some things. Taking walks, taking baths, having regular Zoom calls with the people you love. Reading more, reading less, setting up a garden, taking up a hobby or binge watching a show on Netflix.

 

And if you’re really struggling with lack of sex-life right now, then creating regular sessions of self-pleasure might just be the right thing for you!

 

Make sure to schedule a regular time to touch, stroke and caress your entire body. Don’t focus just on your genitals. Imagine that your body is a body of the most exquisite lover and give yourself the kind of TLC that you would give them!

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How to Use Tantra to Uplevel Your Relationship

Just over six years ago, in March 2014, I had my “accident” which caused a dramatic shift in my life. One moment, I was having sex with my partner and the next – I was in excruciating pain, shock and then in a hospital. That experience was scary, enormously painful and made me question my life, my sexuality and my relationships.

 

It also led me to leaving my old life behind in order to explore Tantra and sacred sexuality.

 

Not long after that day, I attended my first ever tantric workshop which introduced me to tantric philosophy. The attendees were guided through a ritual that unexpectedly opened my eyes to a completely new, profound and magical way of relating to each other.

 

There was one particularly memorable moment there when I experienced a trance-like state of presence, love and bliss – all while we had our clothes on and were barely touching one another!

 

This experience left me feeling mind-blown, in awe…

 

I felt like someone suddenly opened my eyes to a completely new way of being that I had no idea existed. Like when you think that you have life all figured-out and then you learn about a back room full of magic and wonders…

 

Since that day, I never looked back. I started immersing myself in tantric education and practice until I became a certified practitioner and started teaching others.

 

Six years later and after having run thousands of clients’ sessions, courses, workshops and events, I can proudly say that I have a wealth of knowledge, insight and expertise to share. And I would love to introduce every single couple on the planet to Tantra!

 

I believe that every single relationship can benefit from tantric rituals and practices in order to:

 

  • Deepen their love and heart-felt connection,
  • Expand sexual pleasure for both partners,
  • Create an experience of profoundly merging in an ecstatic union,
  • Deepen the intimate awareness of each other and the ability to truly see, hear and feel each other,
  • Take the relationship to the next level,
  • And much more!

 

My new online course Tantric Sex for Couples which was released earlier this week will teach you all of that and more! This program is a true game changer in the world of romantic relating and couples. This is also the most straightforward path to more joy, love and sexual satisfaction in your life together!

 

To celebrate the launch, I’m offering the entire course at a 70% discount until Sunday.

Use coupon code ECSTASY to claim the reduced price and I look forward to seeing you on the other side of magic!

LEARN MORE

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How Do We Connect in Relationships

How Do We Connect in Relationships

Since sex had been an area of struggle for most of my life, I always connected with my partners through talking. After reading “Five Love Languages”, I learned that Quality Time was my primary love language. And it just made sense to me that spending uninterrupted time together, time filled with deep conversation, meaningful exchanges and vulnerable shares was what my soul and heart needed to feel deeply bonded to my beloved.

 

While being in my early relationships, I was learning that my partners’ desire for sex was usually much higher than mine, while their need to talk with me – lower. It usually felt like I had to work hard to get as much quality time with them as I wanted, while their preference was usually to have sex.

 

I was reasoning with myself that men are just differently wired, that they “only think about one thing”, that they’re always horny.

 

At the same time, for me sex was unimportant. I could take it or leave it. I could get some pleasure from it, some nice experiences, some fun… but in the end, I kept walking away from it unfulfilled and empty.

 

Conceptually I knew that sex was a tool of connection. But if I felt disconnected from my partner to start with, no amount of sex could change that.

 

A lot of women tell me that they can happily forget about sex altogether.

 

And these are usually women in relationships. They can still feel loved, connected and fulfilled in their lives and their relationships, without the need for a sexual interaction. This tells me that I wasn’t alone in my early experiences.

 

It took me some time and a whole lot of sexual education to learn the shocking truth: the way that I felt connected to my partner through talking, the same way he felt connected to me through sex. Wow! That had caught me by surprise and allowed me to see a completely new dimension in sex…

 

When my partner was cutting short our quality time together, he was leaving me empty and disappointed, while I was doing the same to him by refusing to connect sexually…

 

Many years later and after speaking to thousands of clients and individuals all over the world, I realize that the truth is complicated. It’s not really so much about the male-female dynamic. We’re all different and have different needs when it comes to connection and feeling loved.

 

For some – it’s talking, for others – it’s sex. For others still, it’s a combination of both plus different variations and elements added.

 

What truly matters is that we feel safe and courageous enough to express these needs, to talk about them and to ask for what we want. A lot of couples I see have no idea how to talk about their intimate needs and that creates a split and conflict.

 

So I challenge you here to look deeply into what you want, need and desire in your own relationship.

 

And then to ask for it! Discuss it with your partner and ask them to take some time to think deeply about their own needs as well.

 

And who knows – you might create much more love, fulfilment and connection in your relationship, and you might also learn something new about your beloved!

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How Do You Want To Be Loved?

How Do You Want To Be Loved?

The week of Valentine’s Day means different things to different people. Some people excitedly look forward to it, others choose to ignore it or even reject it, others still feel frustrated or extra lonely that day. All depends on your relationship status, your level of happiness in that relationship or singlehood and views on celebrating love and romance.

 

I personally am not terribly fussed either way. But if there happens to be a man in my life, I like for us to do something special. And the more creative and non-commercial that something special is, the better. Some of my ideas would include picnic on the beach or dancing the night away in his arms.

 

And this brings me to a broader topic of love and more specifically – of different ways that people love.

 

Most people seem to think that there is just one way to love – their way. I once worked with a client who was frustrated that his wife wouldn’t touch him enough to express her love. After all, wouldn’t you kiss, embrace and caress your beloved on a regular basis? And if you don’t, then what is wrong with you???

 

Well, funny that… Touching your partner is actually just one way to show and express love. In reality there are many different ways and each way can have a number of their own nuances and variations.

 

Assuming that all people would naturally love the same way that we feel inclined to love doesn’t take into account the massive complexity of our emotional nature.

 

I like the way Gary Chapman simplifies this issue in his amazing book “The 5 Love Languages”. He states that broadly speaking, there are 5 ways that we can give and receive love and that most people use primarily one or two of these languages:

 

1/ Quality time

Spending uninterrupted time together (no TV, no phones, no other people, no work or chores).

 

2/ Physical touch

This love language is not about sex! It’s about touching, holding, kissing, caressing each other on a daily basis.

 

3/ Gifts

The gifts can be big and impressive or small and simple. It’s not about how much money was spent on a gift but the thought that was put into it.

 

4/ Acts of Service

Little things we do for each other daily – cleaning the house, preparing the meal, taking care of a task for your beloved…

 

5/ Words of affirmation

Telling your partner things that you love or appreciate about them – about something they did, about who they are, etc.

 

The trouble here is that we tend to give love in the same language that we want to receive it. But if our partner speaks a different love language, our efforts will be in vain. Which is why it’s so important to recognize how your partner actually wants to be loved.

 

But for now ask yourself these questions:

  • How do I desire to be loved?
  • When do I feel most loved by my partner?
  • When was the last time I felt really loved?

These are a great starting point to build more awareness in your own love language.

 

And gentlemen, if you’d like to show your ladies some extra love in the bedroom this Valentine’s Day, enrol in Tantric Mastery – an online course that will teach you how to give her not only an exquisite tantric massage but also a number of different kinds of orgasms. Ladies, this could be a perfect Valentine’s Day gift! Use coupon code VALENTINE for 50% off (only until Sunday 16 Feb).

Enjoy!

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Are We All Romantic Idiots?

There is something deeply special, even magical about being in love. When we meet someone attractive and interesting, someone who catches our eye, we start to think about them more and more often, we begin to imagine scenarios where we’re together, we even start to obsess about them!…

We hope and pray that our feelings are returned, we imagine sweet future that awaits us in the arms of that one particular person. We beg fate for a sign that they feel the same, that we’re loved back.

The torture of uncertainty can move us quickly from beautiful images of mutual bliss to depths of despair of a broken heart.

 

What if we’re rejected? What if they don’t love us?

 

After all, how often do you meet someone as amazing as them? And having met them, how can you ever imagine spending your life with anybody else? It’s a torture to even suspect that you might need to carry on living without them…

To a perfectly reasonable, level-headed person, this emotional state can seem like insanity. Who in their right mind would ever want to suffer this way? Who would ever sign up for this kind of obsessive madness? This isn’t just about a temporary emotional turmoil. This state can last weeks, months or even years, restricting our ability to act as reasonable human beings. The in-love obsession can pull us away from our tasks, chores and daily routines, ruining our focus and limiting our sense of joy in life.

Yet, the amount of songs, books, poems, etc. devoted to romantic love is mind-boggling. Humans seem to have an uncontrollable need to express either the depth of their love towards someone special or the depth of their despair over a broken heart.

 

So, what should we make of this?…

 

Falling in love is a part of our human nature. What varies from person to person, is the strength of this obsession and how much it affects the rest of our lives. On one side of the spectrum, there are people who are profoundly romantic and can lose themselves deeply in this state – tormented, distracted and deeply melancholic until the uncertainty of their feelings is removed. This uncertainty is removed either by being loved back (in which case the romantic obsession can turn into a much calmer, safer version of love) or by loss of all hope. It’s also important to remember that here what will be important is the perception of the person being in love about reciprocity or about its lack. To an outsider, the case might seem clear but it needs to be the one in love who feels that the uncertainty is gone.

On the other end of the spectrum, there are people who do fall in love but whose romantic feelings do not affect other areas of their lives. To these individuals, someone madly, obsessively in love can seem like a crazy person, a maniac who lost all his senses and is spending his time longing after someone and sighing on end.

 

I recently posted this quote on social media, asking whether others agreed with it:

 

“A fleeting touch on the cheek from the one I adore, will be worth more than six hours in thirty-seven positions with someone I do not.”

 

I was expecting a mixed response, yet the comments were overwhelmingly positive – yes, we do prefer that fleeting touch!

Oh wow, in the world that represses eroticism, where most people I speak to would love to have more sex than they do now, even in that world we’d still choose romantic affection over sexual abundance…

 

Are we mad? Are we crazy? Or are we lying?…

 

I think not… I think that romantic love is mysterious and I think that it’s complex. I think that human beings have this incredibly special ability to love romantically which separates us from other species. And I also think that being in love is a state quite unlike anything else we ever experience.

It can send us to heights of ecstasy. It can make us plummet to depths of grief. It can drive us crazy. It can consume most of our thoughts and attention and be detrimental to almost everything else in our lives.

And despite all that, I truly believe that romantic love is deeply and incredibly beautiful. And that it enriches our lives, even if only temporarily. Besides, can you imagine our world without all the love songs and romantic movies?

Me neither!

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