Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex on a First Date

Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex on a First Date

There is a wide variety of perspectives when it comes to hooking up on a first date. There are the people who see it as inappropriate and are quick to slut-shame. There are also all your well-meaning friends who will warn you that ‘you’ll be seen as easy’, ‘he won’t respect you’, ‘you won’t respect yourself’, ‘you need to keep him/her wanting’, etc. And there’s those who reject the repressive trends and claim that we are all free to decide for ourselves and that there’s nothing wrong with sex on a first date.

 

Over the years, my own opinion on the matter has changed.

 

And I don’t fully agree with any of the popular points of view because I find that the complexity of human nature makes decisions like this one a bit more complicated and multi-dimensional. The same decision (either a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’) under different circumstances can have completely different results and consequences for us. However, after studying human sexuality for years and witnessing the intimate lives of clients from all over the world, I recognize that there are a few main points which are worth keeping in mind.

 

First of all, I do stand strongly against the guilt, shame and repression forced upon us by the religion, society and political organizations. I support sexual liberation and will encourage anybody who wishes to reclaim their own power and say, when it comes to their body, nudity and genitalia. So, from that perspective, if both people are consenting adults, nothing stands in their way if they decide to have sex on a first date.

 

But there’s also a deeper perspective that I’ve acquired over the years.

 

As a woman, I used to think that men would leave me if I didn’t give them sex. I believed that I needed to be not only sexually available, but also keen to please and pleasure them in many different ways. Otherwise, he’d probably never call me again, choosing to move on to a more available woman.

 

Now I see that I was driven by fear and that my decision to sleep with these men was not empowered at all but rather a response to my insecurities and anxieties. I was offering him my body in a hope that he would take care of my heart.

 

Similarly, women who choose not to go to bed on a first date out of fear that they might be judged or slut-shamed, are also disempowered. They allow others to dictate the appropriate behaviour and reactions instead of trusting their own inner voice, instead of expressing themselves truly and authentically.

 

This is why being able to separate the external influence (society, your friends and family, your date, etc.) from your own internal decision is important.

 

Being able to hear your own authentic ‘yes’ or ‘no’ is crucial here and should concern you much more than what others might think about your choice.

 

But what’s also important to remember is that there is magic in waiting. The anticipation of each kiss, each touch and each eye gaze is an intensely beautiful part of the early stages of being in a relationship.

 

I deeply believe that when it comes to sex, instant gratification is overrated.

 

And the longer you can drag out this initial ‘honeymoon period’, the more you’ll be able to enjoy it. People who fall in love often experience the delicious torture of not knowing – not knowing to what extent their feelings are reciprocated, not knowing when they’ll get to hold each other again, not knowing when they’ll end up in bed together… All this ‘not knowing’ is intensely exciting and will be lost once you settle into a safe routine.

 

Imagine starting a relationship with a prompt, impatient giving in to the sexual desire on a first date. Of course there is nothing wrong with that! But now imagine the opposite – initial dates full of sexual tension and anticipation, full of unanswered questions and curious glances, full of torturous anguish and extreme joy of each touch, kiss, caress…

 

Waiting is fun, it’s exciting, it’s arousing!

 

And if your date isn’t up for waiting with you, they probably weren’t the right person for you anyways.

 

When I first met Dave, we lived about a thousand kilometres away from each other. We spent hours talking to each online before we finally physically met. A month of virtual dating forced us to keep our hands off of each other until we finally arranged to meet. By that time, we had shared a lot of secrets, discussed our dreams and exposed the vulnerable parts of ourselves. The connection felt deep, strong and intimate. And the excitement of finally touching each other was intoxicating…

 

That mix of intense feelings and anticipation created a meaningful and deep connection for us which didn’t wane over the weekend that we finally spent together. And I loved every moment of it.

 

So my words of advice are – listen to your heart and make sure you’re being true to yourself. There’s no rush so make sure to give yourself as much time as you need. Remember that delayed gratification and anticipation of beautiful things to come can be absolutely wonderful!

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Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex on a First Date

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How to Stop Falling for the Wrong Guy or Girl

How to Stop Falling for the Wrong Guy or Girl

A part of me is extremely excited about the message in my today’s vlog. Many years ago I was the one who desperately needed to hear this message in order to save myself A LOT of heartbreak. I used to go out on dates, hoping to meet my Prince Charming but all my efforts seemed to be in vain. My dates led nowhere or the rare relationship would quickly turn toxic.

But another part of me is also anxious about putting this message out there. Will I be misunderstood for speaking up against the socially accepted trends and behaviours? Will my message be rejected or uncomfortable for people to hear?

I hear a lot of complaints about the modern dating world. Men and women talk about struggles imposed by the online world, the challenges in creating anything long-term or the frustration of being ‘ghosted’. It all makes me breathe an internal sigh of relief that I’m out of the dating scene!

But I’m also seeing a lot of unhealthy behaviours and attitudes that strongly inhibit the ability to create a fulfilling relationship for even the most willing singles.

In my video I explain why you might be shooting yourself in the foot while dating and what to do to prevent it!

 

 

P.S. And make sure to look out for a surprise appearance of my co-host! Sometimes life gets in the way in just the most beautiful way! 🙂

 

Video content:

Are you falling for the wrong man or woman? Or do you find that things start off with someone but then fall flat very quickly and you’re struggling to create a committed, deep and meaningful relationship? The answer might lie in the fact that we think that we only experience one kind of attraction – we’re attracted to someone, that’s it. But that’s not actually the case. There are 2 types of attraction and you’ll be struggling in the dating world until you actually understand this.

The first kind of attraction is a sexual attraction. A man sees a woman and he experiences a sexual response, he feels arousal, he wants to sleep with her. The second kind of attraction is a romantic attraction. That’s when a man meets a woman and really wants to spend time with her, to get to know her better, to really understand who she is as a person and to protect her.

And obviously you can experience both of these at the same time which is the most fun and exciting situation. But where we go wrong is when we confuse the two. And we confuse them when we want a loving, committed relationship yet we keep focusing on and keep creating a sexual attraction instead of the romantic one. Because you see, there are very specific things that we can do in order to create each particular type of attraction.

Sexual attraction and an arousal response in a man is created when he notices things about her like: beautiful face, curvy body, sensual movements, shiny hair, etc. And women will create that response in a man when they really concentrate on these, more external aspects of their bodies. When they pay a lot of attention to their sexy, attractive appearance.

But if a woman wants to create a romantic attraction in a man, she should focus on other kind of things: showing herself as a very authentic human being, when she’s not trying to please him but expresses herself in her full truth. Another thing is expressing her hobbies and passions. Men find women who are passionate extremely attractive. But a mistake many women make is putting their own hobbies aside in order to adopt the interests of the man they’re interested in. That’s not attractive, that’s not authentic and it doesn’t express her true passion.

Another way to create a romantic attraction is receptivity. Men want to give to women, provide for women, protect them. So when a woman is receptive to his gifts, his time, his energy or his efforts, this triggers a very positive response in a man. But a lot of women reject the man’s help because they think that they need to be seen as independent in order to be perceived as more attractive.

But it doesn’t work that way! A lot of women would reject his coat on a cold day with the words: “no, because then you’ll be cold”. Well guess what, that’s making you his mom! And that’s not attractive. Take his coat, for god’s sake! You’ll be warm and he’ll feel proud and in his masculine essence.

Men, if you really want to attract a committed, loving relationship, pay attention to where your energy goes: are you focusing on her shapely bum? On her pretty face? On her breasts? Or shiny hair? Well, you might find an insight there that maybe it’s time to start focusing more on her personality, her energy, how you feel around her and is she someone you feel drawn to energetically.

And ladies, if you find yourselves heart-broken on a regular basis, just notice. Are you trying to attract a man by creating a beautiful image (hair, makeup, jewellery, high heels, etc.) or are you showing him your true self? Are you bending yourself in order to please him or are you standing in your truth and authenticity? Don’t try to change your life in order to please him or guess his wishes.

That’s exactly what I used to do and what ended up in a heart-break for me on so many occasions. I would make myself all pretty for the man I was dating and I would forego my own desires and I would do my best to guess and deliver what he wanted from me, I wanted him to think that I was the perfect girlfriend. And that strategy never delivered. The relationship either didn’t go anywhere or turned toxic really quickly.

And when I realized that this behaviour didn’t serve me and that I needed to be raw, authentic, passionate, true to myself… and that it didn’t matter how shiny my hair was or how much makeup I was wearing… that changed everything! And I found myself loved, cherished and taken care of by the men in my life. And my connections became much more loving, profound and caring.

Have a look at your dating life, if you’re dating and see if you’re recognizing any of these patterns in your own life. Please leave a comment below if you resonate with a big fat YES! I love reading your comments so please leave me a note. And in the meantime, stay sexy, keep touching yourself, have a fantastic week and I look forward to seeing you next time!

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Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex on a First Date

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How to Heal the Relationship for Better Intimacy

A lot of people struggle with the question: “Why does the flame of passion reduce the longer we’re together?” Despite our best efforts, it seems that nobody manages to escape the lowering libido and the reduced frequency of sexual encounters with their partner.

We all cherish the ‘honeymoon period’ with its high intensity of desire for each other and for intimacy. And then, once the normal reality sets back in, we often feel disappointed and confused. Not so long ago we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other! And now we’ll gladly exchange sex and lingerie for pizza and Netflix. Or worse still, for an evening apart from each other, to escape the company of our lover.

So what is really going on there? Why is this phenomenon so common? And is there anything that we can do to avoid it?

Well, there is an explanation. And it’s linked to the fact that our emotional state is a crucial component of our arousal. The more frustration and resentment we experience towards our partner, the more we’ll struggle with becoming turned on and passionate in the bedroom.

There is also a simple practice that can save us from digging ourselves into a dark hole of resentment. That resentment can actually build an emotional wall separating the partners and then lead to a sexless marriage. Please watch the video and use the practice at home as well. Learning about it is just the first step, doing it is what will create a real change.

Try this practice with your beloved as soon as you can. You’ll be surprised to find out what each of you is still holding onto emotionally.

 

 

P.S. If you enjoy my videos and would like to give back, please consider supporting me by becoming my Patron by clicking here. Thank you! 🙂 xxx

 

Video content:

A lot of people ask me why intimacy and sex life changes or reduces over the course of the relationship. This is a very valid question as a lot of people can relate to the libido lowering and the frequency of sex diminishing. For a lot of couples the love goes through a transformation the longer they’re together and in many cases – people break up once the honeymoon period is over. What they don’t understand or recognize is that they can heal the relationship and experience intimacy and love which is deeper and more meaningful than before. In this video, I’ll share with you how to do that!

 

When I first came across this practice, I knew I had to try it for myself. My relationship was happy, loving and peaceful but I knew that I was holding back in our sex life. I was aware that I felt a certain level of resentment for things that had happened in the past and that I didn’t obtain a full resolution around.

 

So I asked my partner to help me heal the resentment, and he did that. And then I asked whether he wanted me to help him heal anything as well. It turned out that he also had some things that still hurt a bit or felt unresolved between us. So we did this practice on each other. And all up it took about 10 mins. But our lovemaking that followed that night, was absolutely mind-blowing! It seemed that the resentment we were holding deep inside was stopping us from fully surrendering to the act of sex and from fully melting into each other during sex.

 

This process is very simple. Sit down together with your partner and ask what they need resolution around, if they feel resentment around something you did, you didn’t do or did in a way that hurt or frustrated them. Hear them out and really pay attention to the words that they use – this is crucial because next you’re going to heal them, using their words!

 

If they say “You hurt my feelings when you did this and this”, you’re going to say “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings”. If they say “You made me feel rejected and abandoned when you…”, you’re going to say “I’m sorry I made you feel rejected and abandoned”. They’ll most likely use a few different expressions, and it’ll be best if you use them all in your healing apology. This might sound like this: “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I’m sorry I made you feel bad. I’m sorry that I left you behind and made you feel unseen, etc.”

 

You need to say these words with absolute sincerity. The words you’re saying are not a reflection on you, they’re not about admitting that you’re guilty, not at all! You most likely had no idea that you were hurting your partner. But they got hurt regardless. And your apology acknowledges their hurt and their experience. It also helps them shift their hurt and their resentment about that particular experience so that your love can return to being more pure and free from hurt feelings.

 

Because you see, intimacy and love die in most cases because we carry an ever-growing load of resentment. And that resentment eventually becomes so vast and heavy that the love dies crushed underneath. But if you can help each other heal and shift that resentment, your love will be nourished and will be able to grow and deepen organically.

 

Please give this practice a go and let me know in the comments below whether there is or has been in your life a love relationship that could be healed this way.

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Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex on a First Date

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Why Single Sex is Easy and Relationship Sex is Not

I have lost count of how many times I spoke to my clients and friends about reduced passion and sexual connection in their relationships. To be honest, for many years this had also been my own experience. It seems so easy to enjoy amazing passion and mind-blowing arousal and pleasure in bed when we’re dating and in the early stages of the relationship. But what about the later stages? Or after 5, 10 or 20 years together?

This is a question that a lot of people struggle with. It seems that there’s nothing we can do about diminished intimacy in long-term relationships. We’d love to keep up the spark and sizzle but they seem to naturally disappear, leaving us disappointed or even frustrated.

So is there really nothing we can do? And are we all doomed to sexless marriages and lack of intimate connection in the bedroom?

Watch my video to learn more!

 

 

PS. Have you watched my FREE Legendary Pleasure Masterclass? It’s full of tips and techniques for more pleasure, fun and satisfaction between the sheets! xxx

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Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex on a First Date

There is a wide variety of perspectives when it comes to hooking up on a first date. There are the people who see it as inappropriate and are quick to slut-shame. There are also all your well-meaning friends who will warn you that ‘you’ll be seen as easy’, ‘he won’t...

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The Pitfalls of Online Dating

The Pitfalls of Online Dating

Anybody who has dabbled in the world of online dating can testify to its convenience and ease of use. Within a few minutes, we gain access to thousands of single people in the area who we can contact, chat with and maybe even take on a date. This is an exciting prospect to anybody looking for romance – to be able to easily connect to others keen for a flirt, date, sex or more.

 

But online dating also has a darker side. With all this ease and convenience, many people don’t value the connections they’re making and they often disregard a romance opportunity in a chase of a new thrill. Others become deceptive in how they present themselves online, hiding their actual selves behind the safety of the computer screen. Others still use the online world to satisfy their own need for approval from potential dates, but fail to create real life experiences with them due to their fears, anxieties and wounding.

 

There are many pitfalls to online dating and being aware of them can create a much safer and more satisfying experience. Let me tell you a story about my own online dating heartbreak…


I’m curious about your experiences, good and bad!

And whether you were able to create a committed, loving relationship with someone you met online!

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Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex on a First Date

There is a wide variety of perspectives when it comes to hooking up on a first date. There are the people who see it as inappropriate and are quick to slut-shame. There are also all your well-meaning friends who will warn you that ‘you’ll be seen as easy’, ‘he won’t...

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Art of Intimacy or Intimate Art?

Art of Intimacy or Intimate Art?

Years ago, I used to live with an ex-partner of mine who was an art lover. His living room, his bedroom and even his kitchen were decorated with paintings and sculptures that captivated him so deeply at one time or another, that he decided to bring them home. The fact that these were mainly classical artists was just one reason for my surprise. The other part of it was the theme of most of the pieces – eroticism.

 

Gustav Klimt’s “Virgins” and Auguste Rodin’s “Kiss” were just two pieces of his extensive collection and my personal favourites. I loved watching his art pieces, I loved having them around, I loved feeling into their atmosphere, trying to guess what the artist was thinking while creating them. But most of all – I loved the sensual and intimate ambience that they were creating. I felt both fascinated and a little naughty while watching the naked bodies, intimate positions and erotic moments.

And this is why this week I’d love to introduce you to Veronica Blanco. Veronica is an artist based in Toronto, whose passion and interest are relationships and intimacy (my absolute fav topics in the world!). Her work really captivated me! I love the way she uses visual arts to express romantic connection, closeness and eroticism. I think that every couple in the world should have at least one sensual piece in their bedroom, inspiring them to always make time for intimacy and sexual fun. I also want to add that I’m not receiving any commission for this article! I love the art and the message behind it.

 

Meet Veronica!

 

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Helena: Why did you choose love and relationships as the focus of your art? What do you aim to express through your art?

Veronica: I enjoy working in this subject matter, I found a topic that I am fascinated with, provides so much room to explore and quite frankly, I think we are all a romantic.

I’m mainly inspired from personal moments and the people around me. Whichever embrace or moment that interests me, I try my best to depict with paint. People may think I am painting myself in the painting which isn’t necessarily true, I am painting moments that interest me. The couples in my paintings are a representation of all couples. It could be you and your lover or your friends or a couple on the street. I paint them without any facial characteristics because I want people to see themselves in the paintings.

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H: Who is your art for?

V: I paint for myself and I strongly believe that all art should be created as an expression by the artist and not created for others. I do take commission work of course but mostly all my paintings have been made because I wanted to explore the subject. I’m lucky to say that I have people who love my work and support me enough to buy my paintings. It’s always gratifying to see a new painting sold to a new home because at the end of the day, I created the piece for myself and I’m so happy to see that others can relate to the piece.

 

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H: Can you share some stories of impact your art has had on your clients?

V: Most of my clients have bought my paintings because they personally relate to the piece. Either because they see themselves in it, relate to the moment or it even reminded them of a song. Once I had a client who saw my painting, immediately called her partner, sent him a picture and bought it instantly because it reminded her of them. It’s always rewarding having that happen especially when clients are instantly drawn to my work.

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About Veronica:

Veronica Blanco is a Toronto based visual artist concentrating in painting and drawing. She received her BFA with Honours in Visual Arts from York University in the spring of 2014. Her work is passionately personal, a visual examination of love and relationships. Inspired by personal moments and the people around her, Veronica explores the intimacy, passion and even struggles between couples. She’s intrigued by the power of the human figure to allure us and the messages found in body language.

www.veronicablancoart.com

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