Are Lifelong Relationships Obsolete?

Are Lifelong Relationships Obsolete?

I recently learned that two people I loved and admired (let’s call them Stan and Jo) were no longer together. After a few years of marriage, they called it quits. Both these people had spent years on a path of growth, inner healing and personal & spiritual development. Both had strong communication skills and a lot of awareness around authentic relating and building intimacy. So, the news about their breakup came as a shock.

 

If they couldn’t make it work, who of us can?!

 

But after an initial wave of shock and sadness, I actually felt happy and hopeful. Because a truly successful and healthy relationship is not measured by how long it lasts but by how aware and loving are people in it. And a big part of that awareness and loving is knowing when it’s time to stay, when it’s time to do the work, when it’s time to rest and when it’s time to leave. So instead of thinking that Stan and Jo’s relationship failed, I actually think that it was an incredibly successful one. And that both of them (and the people around them) got a lot out of their union.

 

I believe that as a part of our evolution as human beings, we’ll start to recognize old patterns and traditional views for what they are – obsolete ideas and repressive norms.

 

The institution of marriage isn’t any more sacred than the institution of divorce, or singlehood, or dating, or open relating, etc. Each one constitutes an option or a choice which is valid and healthy… as long as the decision we make about them is coming from a space of awareness, freedom and commitment to growth.

 

If the decision to stay in a relationship is motivated by religious guilt, fear, financial pressure, social expectations or worry about the kids, then the couple should seriously reconsider their commitment to each other. I’m not saying that they should necessarily separate but that they need to find better reasons to stay together.

 

These ‘better reasons’ can be different for different people.

 

It can be all about companionship, great sex, growth and healing, emotional support or common goals. But the decision should come from a place of free will and conscious awareness and not from a space of duty, obligation or moral norms upheld in your social environment.

 

I grew up in a Catholic family and the values and norms of the Catholic church were strongly imposed on my mind. But Catholic morality doesn’t feel authentic to me and I cannot accept it in my life. Promising someone that I’ll stand by them until death is something that I see as unhealthy and even potentially toxic.

 

But instead of that, why not stay together for as long as it serves both of us and makes us happy?

 

Why not stay together until we complete some kind of common goals that brought us together in the first place?

Why not stay together for as long as we both feel inspired to?

 

So this Valentine’s Day I wish all of us a celebration of relationships which are healthy, meaningful and full of conscious choices… even if they don’t last forever!

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

 

What is Tantra?

I still remember my very first Tantra workshop. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. All I knew was that my sex life sucked and that I needed to try something new. Tantra held no promises but I knew that it had something to do with extraordinary sexual...

read more

How to Turn Foreplay into a Delicious Feast

It has always confused me why people rushed so much through foreplay and into the “main bit”, the penetration. Even more, it has always confused me why I seemed to rush into penetration in my earlier years, even though I knew that foreplay could provide me with...

read more

Tantra Breath

“When you really get the knack of enjoying breathing, it becomes absolutely divine” – Diana Richardson. I love this quote! Tantra teaches us to FEEL the present moment instead of thinking about it. Being in the present moment means paying full attention...

read more

How to Make Online Dating Work for You

How to Make Online Dating Work for You

Since I started running Soulmate Speed-Dating events, I’ve been talking to a lot of single people. And they’ve shared with me countless stories of struggles, challenges and disappointments of the modern dating life.

 

Somehow, it seems that finding The One has been getting more and more tricky these days.

 

A big part of that conversation usually is the internet and the world of online dating. Every time I ask people about it, I’m told that they are sick of it and that it has led them nowhere – message exchanges that don’t lead to a date, poor first dates that show no promise of compatibility or lovely get-togethers after which they never hear back from the other person.

 

And what that tells me is that we have it all backwards. The truth is that online dating absolutely can work and can lead to a meaningful connection with someone truly special. BUT we need to change our approach to it.

 

The way that online dating usually works is:

 

a) browse online profiles,

b) make your best judgement about others based on their photos and bios,

c) message each other in order to arrange a coffee date.

So we’re basically going out together and trying to make a connection with a complete stranger, someone we know nothing about. And to me that’s a recipe for disaster.

 

We’re meeting first and trying to make a connection later.

 

That’s backwards! In real life we go out with someone BECAUSE we’ve experienced some sort of connection or pull towards them first. In this traditional approach we connect first and THEN we date. But the online world has turned dating on its head and so the new approach is to date first and then to hope for a potential connection. Can you see now why you keep going on so many bad dates?

 

The success and popularity of my Soulmate Speed-Dating events can be explained by the fact that they facilitate deep conversations and vulnerable exchanges.

 

Attendees are guided to share their most authentic inner selves and to see the same in others. This allows them to detect quickly whether there is a compatibility there and a potential for a soulmate-type of relationship. After the event, these people go out together precisely because they had already experienced this kind of connection during the event.

 

So the question is: can you create the same thing in the online world as well? And the answer is ‘Yes’. You can absolutely create a connection first but it takes a little more time and work. But I believe that weeding out the potential disaster dates is well worth the effort!

 

The key is to create an opportunity for a deeper connection before you physically meet each other.

 

And you can simply do that on the phone. A phone call can be more stressful than emailing but it will reveal much more about them than a message would. So go ahead, call them and ask them about their cherished childhood memories, their sources of inspiration in daily lives or about their dreams and goals. It doesn’t really matter where exactly you take the conversation, as long as it goes into the more deep and meaningful territory. And then listen and share about yourself as well.

 

And this is where the magic will happen… or not.

 

Because that simple exchange will give you a deeper sense about your potential date. In many cases you’ll realize that you two have absolutely nothing in common or that the energy between you two feels just flat. And this will save you time or upset of a bad date. But if the conversation flows smoothly, you’re both enjoying it and you find points of connection easily, then you should definitely go out!

 

So now, equipped with that piece of advice you can turn your online dating efforts into a much more effective adventure. And you might even meet your soulmate!

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

 

How Big Is Your Orgasmic Potential?

Many years ago, when I was starting my tantric journey, I was a total sponge for all the tantric knowledge, experiences and practices that I could find. Apart from reading a ton of books about Tantra and going to all the workshops I could find, I was also visiting...

read more

5 Must-try Masturbation Moves for Her

If you’re like most people, you probably always masturbate in the same way. It’s likely that over time you have developed a masturbation routine that works for you. This routine is a set of moves and strokes that give you pleasure and bring you to orgasm in the...

read more

Why you don’t want a tight vagina

As a sex coach, I see the world a bit differently than others. I see it through the lens of sexual behaviours, desires and needs. I can quickly assess and determine what a person needs to create a healthier, much more fulfilling and satisfying intimacy in their life....

read more

3 Surprising Things that Make Men Fall in Love

3 Surprising Things that Make Men Fall in Love

Hello, modern woman. Whether you’re single and dating or in a relationship, there’s something I’d love to share with you today. This information actually changed lives of countless women and allowed them to not only date better but to also create better, more loving and healthier relationships.

 

When I was in my 20s, I really loved dating. And a big part of my excitement were the preparations for each date – doing my hair and makeup and dressing up nicely for the man I was about to meet.

 

And I was absolutely certain that I had to show him the most sexy, gorgeous and attractive version of myself if I wanted him to stay.

 

There is obviously nothing wrong with that – men LOVE to look at beautiful women! But I was lacking a deeper understanding of men and of human nature. Because you see, men love to have sex with women who arouse their desire. But they fall in love with women who intrigue them and touch them on a very profound level. And pretty looks, short skirts or even boobie shots cannot create that kind of attraction.

 

So here are 3 surprising things that make men fall in love:

 

1/ Her passion

A woman who is deeply passionate about something is charismatic and very attractive to men. And it usually doesn’t matter what her passion is – it can be playing cello or collecting tupperware. He will find it exciting and even mesmerising to witness her talking about or acting on something that gives her so much joy that she immerses herself in it completely.

The reason why so many women get this wrong is that we’re conditioned to be pleasers. When a woman wants to impress a guy, she’ll adopt his passions and activities. But men see through this, lose attraction and walk away.

Instead of bending yourself backwards to show him that the two of you are alike, express yourself through what truly opens up your heart and makes your soul sing. He will see and admire your passion.

 

2/ Her authenticity

Most women at their core want to love someone and be loved in return. In order to achieve that, they might be willing to sacrifice their own views, opinions and dreams if these are not aligned with the decisions or views of the man they want to seduce or keep. But what huge majority of men find attractive is a woman who is fiercely committed to what she believes in and who won’t bend to please others.

We all need to be open to negotiation and a change of plans from time to time. But if you want him to stay by your side, show him that you have a spine and can make choices for yourself.

 

3/ Her femininity

Our culture encourages women to be successful, efficient and business-minded. We value punctuality, goals, results and hard work. But the essence of a woman is to flow, to be connected to her feelings and heart, instead of only living in her head. Women are softer than men, emotional and go through cyclical changes in line with their hormones and feelings. They’re intuitive and not always reasonable. To deny that aspect of a woman is to deny her true self.

Let go of the need to adhere to society’s standards and show him your feminine essence. The attraction between sexes is based on polarity between men and women. The more different we are, the more we attract each other. Men don’t always understand women’s complexity and emotionality but they’re always mesmerised by it.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

 

3 Amazing Benefits of Sleeping Naked

I don’t know about you, but I LOVE sleeping naked! I love to feel the softness of the sheets against my skin, I love the ease of access to different body parts that I can stroke or caress, I love the heightened sensations I experience all over my body. And when my...

read more

Are Lifelong Relationships Obsolete?

I recently learned that two people I loved and admired (let’s call them Stan and Jo) were no longer together. After a few years of marriage, they called it quits. Both these people had spent years on a path of growth, inner healing and personal & spiritual...

read more

How to Make Online Dating Work for You

Since I started running Soulmate Speed-Dating events, I’ve been talking to a lot of single people. And they’ve shared with me countless stories of struggles, challenges and disappointments of the modern dating life.   Somehow, it seems that finding The One has been...

read more

Relationships Are Not Meant to Make Us Happy

Relationships Are Not Meant to Make Us Happy

We enter romantic relationships for many different reasons – love, mutual attraction, fear of loneliness, peer pressure, social expectation, desire for sex, desire for money, we want a family, etc. And underneath all of these reasons, there’s also that deeper one, the more universal one – we want to be happy.

 

Fairy tales seduce us from early childhood with stories about finding that one and true love and of living happily ever after.

 

But as soon as we enter the world of romantic attraction and intimate connecting, we realize that romantic pursuits are not simple or easy. Each time a relationship starts, we’re full of hope for that forever after story. Every time a relationship ends, we wonder why we failed or we console ourselves in the knowing that we made a mistake and picked a wrong person. Not to worry, we’ll just continue looking for Mr or Mrs Right. Next time we’ll surely do better. But we never do and our relationships keep ending, one after another. And even if they manage to last, we struggle with issues and difficulties that we never saw coming.

 

So why exactly do we keep failing to find eternal happiness in a relationship? Because that’s not how romantic relationships work. We’ve been lied to. Relationships are not meant to make us happy. We can try all we want but the simple truth is that making us happy is not the role of the relationship or of whoever our current partner is. Relationships are about something else.

 

Relationships are meant to make us conscious, to make us grow.

 

And only when we truly embrace this idea, we’ll actually be able to find peace, understanding and happiness in our relationship.

 

When I first learned about this, it hit me like a tonne of bricks because I desperately wanted my partner to make me happy. I placed the responsibility for my satisfaction in his hands and kept waiting for the magic to happen… but it didn’t.

 

We obviously had good times – full of love, joy, compassion and trust. But eventually we would always somehow end up in an argument. There were misunderstandings, there were frustrations and there was anger. And I kept trying to fix things to make us happy again. It was a mad circle that I couldn’t get out of. Until I understood… that he was never there to make me happy. He was there to help me grow, to help me see what still needed healing, addressing or processing within me.

 

All relationships with other people serve us as mirrors of our own issues and shortcomings.

 

But a romantic relationship is one of the closest kinds of relationships that we can ever get into. And because of that it’s the most intense form of mirror that we’ll ever encounter. Our intimate partner is a perfect match to whatever needs addressing which is what makes that person so attractive to us. We fall in love because we subconsciously recognize that this person is able to show us our wounds, hurts and traumas. And if we choose to, we’ll grow, heal and expand together.

 

In this way, each relationship we enter, has the potential to make us more conscious, more aware and more healed. Most people resist this idea and refuse to grow and heal. These people usually end up feeling stuck, unable to overcome their issues. But the opportunities are always there and it’s up to us to accept them and welcome them with open hearts and minds.

 

It can be challenging to admit that we’re not as smart, mature or enlightened as we would like to think. But behind that step, there’s a world of new, deeper realms and possibilities. If we choose to accept them.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

 

Are Lifelong Relationships Obsolete?

I recently learned that two people I loved and admired (let’s call them Stan and Jo) were no longer together. After a few years of marriage, they called it quits. Both these people had spent years on a path of growth, inner healing and personal & spiritual...

read more

How to Make Online Dating Work for You

Since I started running Soulmate Speed-Dating events, I’ve been talking to a lot of single people. And they’ve shared with me countless stories of struggles, challenges and disappointments of the modern dating life.   Somehow, it seems that finding The One has been...

read more

3 Surprising Things that Make Men Fall in Love

Hello, modern woman. Whether you’re single and dating or in a relationship, there’s something I’d love to share with you today. This information actually changed lives of countless women and allowed them to not only date better but to also create better, more loving...

read more

Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex on a First Date

Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex on a First Date

There is a wide variety of perspectives when it comes to hooking up on a first date. There are the people who see it as inappropriate and are quick to slut-shame. There are also all your well-meaning friends who will warn you that ‘you’ll be seen as easy’, ‘he won’t respect you’, ‘you won’t respect yourself’, ‘you need to keep him/her wanting’, etc. And there’s those who reject the repressive trends and claim that we are all free to decide for ourselves and that there’s nothing wrong with sex on a first date.

 

Over the years, my own opinion on the matter has changed.

 

And I don’t fully agree with any of the popular points of view because I find that the complexity of human nature makes decisions like this one a bit more complicated and multi-dimensional. The same decision (either a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’) under different circumstances can have completely different results and consequences for us. However, after studying human sexuality for years and witnessing the intimate lives of clients from all over the world, I recognize that there are a few main points which are worth keeping in mind.

 

First of all, I do stand strongly against the guilt, shame and repression forced upon us by the religion, society and political organizations. I support sexual liberation and will encourage anybody who wishes to reclaim their own power and say, when it comes to their body, nudity and genitalia. So, from that perspective, if both people are consenting adults, nothing stands in their way if they decide to have sex on a first date.

 

But there’s also a deeper perspective that I’ve acquired over the years.

 

As a woman, I used to think that men would leave me if I didn’t give them sex. I believed that I needed to be not only sexually available, but also keen to please and pleasure them in many different ways. Otherwise, he’d probably never call me again, choosing to move on to a more available woman.

 

Now I see that I was driven by fear and that my decision to sleep with these men was not empowered at all but rather a response to my insecurities and anxieties. I was offering him my body in a hope that he would take care of my heart.

 

Similarly, women who choose not to go to bed on a first date out of fear that they might be judged or slut-shamed, are also disempowered. They allow others to dictate the appropriate behaviour and reactions instead of trusting their own inner voice, instead of expressing themselves truly and authentically.

 

This is why being able to separate the external influence (society, your friends and family, your date, etc.) from your own internal decision is important.

 

Being able to hear your own authentic ‘yes’ or ‘no’ is crucial here and should concern you much more than what others might think about your choice.

 

But what’s also important to remember is that there is magic in waiting. The anticipation of each kiss, each touch and each eye gaze is an intensely beautiful part of the early stages of being in a relationship.

 

I deeply believe that when it comes to sex, instant gratification is overrated.

 

And the longer you can drag out this initial ‘honeymoon period’, the more you’ll be able to enjoy it. People who fall in love often experience the delicious torture of not knowing – not knowing to what extent their feelings are reciprocated, not knowing when they’ll get to hold each other again, not knowing when they’ll end up in bed together… All this ‘not knowing’ is intensely exciting and will be lost once you settle into a safe routine.

 

Imagine starting a relationship with a prompt, impatient giving in to the sexual desire on a first date. Of course there is nothing wrong with that! But now imagine the opposite – initial dates full of sexual tension and anticipation, full of unanswered questions and curious glances, full of torturous anguish and extreme joy of each touch, kiss, caress…

 

Waiting is fun, it’s exciting, it’s arousing!

 

And if your date isn’t up for waiting with you, they probably weren’t the right person for you anyways.

 

When I first met Dave, we lived about a thousand kilometres away from each other. We spent hours talking to each online before we finally physically met. A month of virtual dating forced us to keep our hands off of each other until we finally arranged to meet. By that time, we had shared a lot of secrets, discussed our dreams and exposed the vulnerable parts of ourselves. The connection felt deep, strong and intimate. And the excitement of finally touching each other was intoxicating…

 

That mix of intense feelings and anticipation created a meaningful and deep connection for us which didn’t wane over the weekend that we finally spent together. And I loved every moment of it.

 

So my words of advice are – listen to your heart and make sure you’re being true to yourself. There’s no rush so make sure to give yourself as much time as you need. Remember that delayed gratification and anticipation of beautiful things to come can be absolutely wonderful!

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

 

Are Lifelong Relationships Obsolete?

I recently learned that two people I loved and admired (let’s call them Stan and Jo) were no longer together. After a few years of marriage, they called it quits. Both these people had spent years on a path of growth, inner healing and personal & spiritual...

read more

How to Make Online Dating Work for You

Since I started running Soulmate Speed-Dating events, I’ve been talking to a lot of single people. And they’ve shared with me countless stories of struggles, challenges and disappointments of the modern dating life.   Somehow, it seems that finding The One has been...

read more

3 Surprising Things that Make Men Fall in Love

Hello, modern woman. Whether you’re single and dating or in a relationship, there’s something I’d love to share with you today. This information actually changed lives of countless women and allowed them to not only date better but to also create better, more loving...

read more

How to Stop Falling for the Wrong Guy or Girl

How to Stop Falling for the Wrong Guy or Girl

A part of me is extremely excited about the message in my today’s vlog. Many years ago I was the one who desperately needed to hear this message in order to save myself A LOT of heartbreak. I used to go out on dates, hoping to meet my Prince Charming but all my efforts seemed to be in vain. My dates led nowhere or the rare relationship would quickly turn toxic.

But another part of me is also anxious about putting this message out there. Will I be misunderstood for speaking up against the socially accepted trends and behaviours? Will my message be rejected or uncomfortable for people to hear?

I hear a lot of complaints about the modern dating world. Men and women talk about struggles imposed by the online world, the challenges in creating anything long-term or the frustration of being ‘ghosted’. It all makes me breathe an internal sigh of relief that I’m out of the dating scene!

But I’m also seeing a lot of unhealthy behaviours and attitudes that strongly inhibit the ability to create a fulfilling relationship for even the most willing singles.

In my video I explain why you might be shooting yourself in the foot while dating and what to do to prevent it!

 

 

P.S. And make sure to look out for a surprise appearance of my co-host! Sometimes life gets in the way in just the most beautiful way! 🙂

 

Video content:

Are you falling for the wrong man or woman? Or do you find that things start off with someone but then fall flat very quickly and you’re struggling to create a committed, deep and meaningful relationship? The answer might lie in the fact that we think that we only experience one kind of attraction – we’re attracted to someone, that’s it. But that’s not actually the case. There are 2 types of attraction and you’ll be struggling in the dating world until you actually understand this.

The first kind of attraction is a sexual attraction. A man sees a woman and he experiences a sexual response, he feels arousal, he wants to sleep with her. The second kind of attraction is a romantic attraction. That’s when a man meets a woman and really wants to spend time with her, to get to know her better, to really understand who she is as a person and to protect her.

And obviously you can experience both of these at the same time which is the most fun and exciting situation. But where we go wrong is when we confuse the two. And we confuse them when we want a loving, committed relationship yet we keep focusing on and keep creating a sexual attraction instead of the romantic one. Because you see, there are very specific things that we can do in order to create each particular type of attraction.

Sexual attraction and an arousal response in a man is created when he notices things about her like: beautiful face, curvy body, sensual movements, shiny hair, etc. And women will create that response in a man when they really concentrate on these, more external aspects of their bodies. When they pay a lot of attention to their sexy, attractive appearance.

But if a woman wants to create a romantic attraction in a man, she should focus on other kind of things: showing herself as a very authentic human being, when she’s not trying to please him but expresses herself in her full truth. Another thing is expressing her hobbies and passions. Men find women who are passionate extremely attractive. But a mistake many women make is putting their own hobbies aside in order to adopt the interests of the man they’re interested in. That’s not attractive, that’s not authentic and it doesn’t express her true passion.

Another way to create a romantic attraction is receptivity. Men want to give to women, provide for women, protect them. So when a woman is receptive to his gifts, his time, his energy or his efforts, this triggers a very positive response in a man. But a lot of women reject the man’s help because they think that they need to be seen as independent in order to be perceived as more attractive.

But it doesn’t work that way! A lot of women would reject his coat on a cold day with the words: “no, because then you’ll be cold”. Well guess what, that’s making you his mom! And that’s not attractive. Take his coat, for god’s sake! You’ll be warm and he’ll feel proud and in his masculine essence.

Men, if you really want to attract a committed, loving relationship, pay attention to where your energy goes: are you focusing on her shapely bum? On her pretty face? On her breasts? Or shiny hair? Well, you might find an insight there that maybe it’s time to start focusing more on her personality, her energy, how you feel around her and is she someone you feel drawn to energetically.

And ladies, if you find yourselves heart-broken on a regular basis, just notice. Are you trying to attract a man by creating a beautiful image (hair, makeup, jewellery, high heels, etc.) or are you showing him your true self? Are you bending yourself in order to please him or are you standing in your truth and authenticity? Don’t try to change your life in order to please him or guess his wishes.

That’s exactly what I used to do and what ended up in a heart-break for me on so many occasions. I would make myself all pretty for the man I was dating and I would forego my own desires and I would do my best to guess and deliver what he wanted from me, I wanted him to think that I was the perfect girlfriend. And that strategy never delivered. The relationship either didn’t go anywhere or turned toxic really quickly.

And when I realized that this behaviour didn’t serve me and that I needed to be raw, authentic, passionate, true to myself… and that it didn’t matter how shiny my hair was or how much makeup I was wearing… that changed everything! And I found myself loved, cherished and taken care of by the men in my life. And my connections became much more loving, profound and caring.

Have a look at your dating life, if you’re dating and see if you’re recognizing any of these patterns in your own life. Please leave a comment below if you resonate with a big fat YES! I love reading your comments so please leave me a note. And in the meantime, stay sexy, keep touching yourself, have a fantastic week and I look forward to seeing you next time!

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

 

Are Lifelong Relationships Obsolete?

I recently learned that two people I loved and admired (let’s call them Stan and Jo) were no longer together. After a few years of marriage, they called it quits. Both these people had spent years on a path of growth, inner healing and personal & spiritual...

read more

How to Make Online Dating Work for You

Since I started running Soulmate Speed-Dating events, I’ve been talking to a lot of single people. And they’ve shared with me countless stories of struggles, challenges and disappointments of the modern dating life.   Somehow, it seems that finding The One has been...

read more

3 Surprising Things that Make Men Fall in Love

Hello, modern woman. Whether you’re single and dating or in a relationship, there’s something I’d love to share with you today. This information actually changed lives of countless women and allowed them to not only date better but to also create better, more loving...

read more

Pin It on Pinterest