How Long Should Sex Last

How Long Should Sex Last

I recently talked about how often you should be having sex. And today I want to discuss the ideal duration of a sexual intercourse. Do you wonder what’s normal or standard? How long do other people have sex for? And how you compare to that?

 

I feel like first of all we need to define sex

 

What are we actually talking about here – when does sex begin and when does it end. What exactly is the picture in your mind when you hear the word “sex”? Is it the penis-in-the-vagina penetration alone? What about foreplay? And the cuddling afterwards? And what if you decide to have sex again. Is that two separate experiences or one extended sexual encounter?

 

So the statistics shared by the sexological community typically refer to the penetration alone. And the average duration of sexual intercourse viewed from that perspective is… 5.4 minutes. So that’s 5.4 mins from the moment of putting the penis inside the vagina, to the point of ejaculation.

 

The problem is that this length of time is typically described by women as insufficient for sexual satisfaction

 

Women on average need 4 times longer to orgasm than men do. So if she’s hoping to orgasm from penetration alone, her chances might not be that great if he cannot last longer.

 

And the truth here is that you need to find your own sweet spot when it comes to your relationship – your own perfect situation that will create this lovely feeling of satisfaction and intimate nourishment for both partners. Most people describe sex that lasts under 5 mins as too short. To many other people intercourse that goes for more than 15 mins is seen as too long. Others still can go on for hours and will cherish every moment of it.

 

So what is actually desirable for you and for your partner?

 

And here it’s also good to be clear on our desires relating to the entire sexual experience, as opposed to just the penetration alone.

 

So how much foreplay do you both desire? What exactly should happen during foreplay to give you both pleasure and a good level of arousal? How long should that part go for? And once penetration starts, can you both move freely between penetrative and non-penetrative sex? Or do you both prefer to keep going until some sort of conclusion occurs?

 

What does that conclusion look like?

 

Is it his ejaculation? Or are you not done until both partners have orgasmed?

 

And this is not to say that your sexual encounter should be the same each time. Sometimes it’s great to have a long, sensual experience full of teasing and playfulness. At other times a quickie is exactly what you both need and desire.

 

But the main point here is to recognize your own desires and to honour them, together with your partner’s desires

 

Which brings me to 2 significant issues that most couples need to address – his ability to last longer and her ability to have orgasms in order to derive much more satisfaction from sex.

 

Let’s first talk about men…

 

Gentlemen, if you feel like you struggle to last as long as you would like to, please be aware that you can train your body to last longer. It’s fairly simple and anybody can do it.

 

I talk about that topic in much more detail in my Tantric Mastery for Men course. But you can start by watching my video TANTRIC SECRET TO LAST LONGER IN BED.

 

And ladies…

 

If you’re currently struggling to orgasm during sex, then please be aware that there are different powerful tools and techniques that can help you re-sensitize your body for much more pleasure, sensuality and for deeper, more amazing orgasms.

 

And I talk in depth about that in my Orgasmic Empowerment for Women course. But for now you might want to start with my video GUIDE TO FEMALE ORGASM. And if on top of that struggle to orgasm, you also experience pain or discomfort during sex, then make sure to check out my video 4 STEPS TO DE-ARMOUR YOUR VAGINA.

 

Look, great, satisfying sex that lasts exactly as long as you both need and desire is a tricky goal

 

But you can both do a lot to come much closer to creating this kind of amazing sexual experiences in your bedroom much more often if you choose to educate yourself on the topic of sex and if you’re willing to invest some time and energy into your sex life.

 

I share regular articles and videos on the topic of great sex so make sure to take a stroll through my YouTube channel and watch whichever videos pique your interest.

 

Please also comment below to let me know your thoughts and your reaction to the 5.4min average of sexual intercourse. Do you think that’s long or short?

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How to Maintain Passion in Relationships?

How to Maintain Passion in Relationships?

If you’ve been in a relationship before, you’ve probably noticed that with time, the spark and sizzle of a passionate connection reduces. Sometimes even disappears completely. So, what to do to keep that desire, passion and flame alive? Is it even possible? Keep reading because I’m going to explain all of that!

I have lost count a long time ago of how many times I’ve heard from my clients the phrase “We don’t have sex anymore” 

A lot of couples come to see me with some version of this story: “we haven’t had sex in months”, or “we only have sex once every few months”, or “my partner never initiates and I’ve stopped trying too”.

So, what’s the problem? Why do we crave sex and have so much of it at the beginning but we seem to struggle with it further down the road? And is it possible to enjoy a frequent, intimate and orgasmic sex life in a long-term relationship?

Well, the answer is: yes, it absolutely is possible! However, it comes at a price…

Let me explain!

Most people assume that a hot sex life is a natural consequence of a loving relationship. But that’s incorrect! If that were true, there would be a lot less sexless marriages out there!

The story I hear most often is “we love each other very much… and we don’t have sex anymore”.

The real issue is that we stop trying

We de-prioritize our sex life and we let it stagnate. One of the biggest reasons for this problem is that very notion that passionate sex life should spontaneously follow from a romantic love.

The truth is – sexual passion is a result of a conscious decision. Long years of an erotic connection is something that we create. It’s extremely rare to have that kind of bond in your relationship naturally. Most of us have to work for it.

And there are 5 different things we should be paying a particular attention to:

1/ emotional connection 

Take care of your emotional connection! There is a very strong link between how you relate emotionally and how you relate sexually. When the emotional connection suffers, so will the sex.

Any resentment, upset, sense of betrayal, etc. either of you holds against each other needs to be faced, addressed and processed properly. For some couples this might mean working with a qualified relationship therapist. So make sure to use them, that’s what they’re trained to do!

2/ being an individual 

Stop defining yourself as a half of a whole. Stop spending every possible second with your sweetheart. Make sure to fully develop your identity as a full and whole human being, outside of your relationship.

What are your passions? Your hobbies? What do you enjoy doing without your partner? Make sure to focus on that, as well as focusing on your connection.

Because closeness increases love but kills passion. Whereas separateness grows your desire for each other.

3/ date each other 

Having only spontaneous sex is a myth. A lot of people resist the idea of scheduling sex. But remember when you first met and you had a lot of hot fun together? What did you do back then?

You scheduled sex! You planned it, you arranged dates, you looked forward to it, you prepared for it, you wanted to make it special.

There was nothing spontaneous about it – it was planned and it was probably very satisfying.

So start taking each other on dates. Take turns and put one person in charge of everything. The partner in charge will plan and prepare everything as a gift to their lover. And next time, you’ll swap

4/ explore Tantra

I teach a lot of my clients different tantric techniques and rituals. Tantric practices are an incredibly beautiful way to grow the intimacy, connection and sensuality in your relationship.

Tantra also teaches men and women how to have better sex – how to make sex last much longer, how to resensitize your entire system for expanded, full-body energetic orgasms, how to be multi-orgasmic and how to enter states of trance like bliss and orgasmic merging together in bed.

So if you’re finding that your sex life is lacking something or that simply you’d love to take your bedroom connection to a whole new level, make sure to check out my Tantric Sex for Couples online course. Tantra is the most straightforward path towards better sex, stronger orgasms and deeper pleasure.

5/ be playful

Your sex life doesn’t need to be a serious matter. Have fun with it! Take a trip to a sex shop or eBay online and look for toys, outfits and accessories that you find exciting. Share your sexual fantasies with each other and discuss which ones of them you’d like to play out.

You might want to dance and strip for each other, have a pillow fight, play naked poker, give each other an erotic massage, have sex outdoors or play a doctor and a naughty nurse. It’s YOUR sex life and nobody gets to decide what it looks like but the two of you.

This is obviously just the tip of the iceberg of the topic of sexual passion and desire in relationships and I’ll be posting more on this topic soon.

Please also comment below and let me know which ones of my tips you’re going to try. I always respond personally to all of the comments and I can’t wait to read yours.

 

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How Often Should You Have Sex

How Often Should You Have Sex

Have you ever wondered how often you should be having sex? What’s normal? What’s standard? What’s recommended by sex therapists? If you have, you’re not alone! I’ve heard that question from my clients many, many times over the years and in this article, I have some answers for you.

I guess a lot of people wonder about some sort of “standard” in sex

How often should you do it, what should it look like, what makes for the most satisfying erotic experience and what to do to have the best orgasms.

I know that I was wondering that myself for many years. To be honest I received zero sexual education when I was young. I didn’t even get the “condom on the banana” talk. I knew absolutely nothing and I entered the world of sex truly clueless.

As a teenager, I was slowly learning from TV, from my friends in school and eventually from my interactions with men. But it was a bit like the blind leading the blind because others knew little more than I did. And the information I was receiving was mostly incorrect and misleading.

It’s such a shame that sexuality in modern world is covered with such thick layer of shame, guilt, embarrassment and inhibitions

How something so beautiful, intimate and nurturing can be perceived as so wrong and inappropriate?! It’s beyond me but that in itself is a topic for a whole different article.

So the answer to the question: how often you should have sex is simple – as often as you want to.

When I work with clients in my sessions, before I recommend anything, I always ask them what they actually want and desire in their sex lives. We’re all unique and our sex drive or a level of sexual activity that will bring us most joy, nourishment and pleasure depends on a variety of factors.

There’s no such thing as a “recommended frequency of sex” 

Every couple is different. The best way to look at it is: what do you and your partner desire? What level of sexual closeness and connection do you need in order to feel loved and cared for in your relationship?

For some people that’s sexual intercourse every day. For others, it’s once a week, once a month, etc. Other people still see sex as a chore or a nuisance and delegate it to only big, significant occasions in their lives.

And it’s all good and fine as long as you or your partner are not experiencing sexual frustration or resentment about your sexual connection. The moment the frustration starts, that’s where the problems begin and that’s where I come in with my professional help and expertise.

And by the way – how often do you want to have sex?

Are you clear on your answer to this question? Do you know where your partner stands on this issue? Let me know your number in comments below.

I actually released a video recently on the topic of “Do women like sex”. The video’s been really popular so far because it addresses 5 main factors that determine women’s desire for frequent sex. So make sure to check it out as well!

And if you’re finding that your sex life is getting infrequent and sort of boring or routine, have a look also at my Tantric Sex for Couples online course that will teach you how to infuse your intimate connection with more passion and desire.

So I guess our last question remains – what to do when there’s a conflict between your desired frequency of sex and that of your partner.

What if these numbers are different

And trust me, they probably will be because it’s hard to get together with someone who’s sex drive matches yours exactly.

But don’t worry, if your numbers are different, you’re not doomed. You simply need to create a win-win situation where you’re aware of your own needs and desires related to a more or less frequent sex. And you’re also aware of your partner’s preferences.

Once you’re both clear on that, you can work out a situation that works best for both of you. And here, my Tantric Sex for Couples online course can really help by introducing much more excitement, passion, joy and connection to your bedroom activities.

Because some couples simply need a bit more thinking outside of the box in order to bring back that spark and sizzle of a frequent and fulfilling sexual bond

 

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Do Women Like Sex

Do Women Like Sex

When I work with couples, an issue that arises very often is that the female partner loses her sex drive and her interest in sex. This is obviously not the case of every single couple, however, this comes up often enough to wonder what is really behind it. And whether women actually like sex.

I guess the topic of female sexual desire and her sex drive is very close to my heart

In many of my past relationships, I was the one who was struggling to keep up with my partner’s libido. It seemed that he frequently wanted sex and that not a lot of things could reduce his desire for a regular intercourse.

For me, however, things were much more tricky. For a variety of reasons, I would struggle to desire sex or to feel aroused in the act. And since arousal and lubrication are very important components of a satisfying intercourse, I would often experience pain or discomfort during sex, which then was making it even more difficult for me to desire it. And so it was a bit of a vicious cycle in that way.

So do women actually like sex? Or do they prefer to forget all about it?

The short answer is – yes, women do like sex. More than that – they have a deep capacity to love sex and to enjoy incredibly mind-blowing orgasms (some say that even much stronger than male orgasms).

In fact, woman’s body is deeply sensual and her erotic potential is rich, multi-layered and blissful. But! There is a number of factors that need to be taken into account here.

1/ Emotional connection 

In any romantic relationship, sexual connection is very strongly linked to the emotional connection between partners. It’s tricky to want to have sex if at the same time you’re thinking “He wants to have sex with me after what he did?”.

Accumulating resentment is something that happens in all relationships and if we don’t address these emotional issues, they’re only going to get deeper. This is why taking care of your emotional connection first is an absolute must to nurture and cultivate a healthy and passionate intimacy in the bedroom.

This means talking about any emotional hurt or disconnect. It means actively taking care of your partner’s needs to create a deep sense that you both are there for each other, no matter what. When that kind of connection is nourished and maintained, it’ll be much easier for her to feel sexual desire for you.

2/ Inhibitions

Most modern women grew up with some kind of unhealthy conditioning around sex. Many women still believe that there’s something inherently wrong about wanting, desiring or enjoying sex. There’s that unhealthy disconnect between a woman being a wife / mother and a sexual goddess.

While the truth is that women can be both at the same time. She doesn’t need to repress her lust or eroticism in order to play well her role in the family. But women need to recognize that first in order to overcome the conditioning.

3/ Sexual trauma

About 1 in 5 women has experienced sexual abuse at some point in her life. And almost all women know closely someone who is a victim of sexual assault. Sexual wounding and trauma, whether physical, emotional, spiritual or mental can leave a powerful mark on the victim for many, many years which will keep interfering with her healthy sexual expression.

Sexual trauma can be treated but in most cases it will require a support of a qualified therapist. So it’s crucial to understand the possible impact of her past on her current libido and sex drive.

4/ Lack of self-knowledge

A lot of women don’t actually understand their own bodies and needs when it comes to their sexuality. Many women have watched porn and try to have sex like men. Which is a problem because women and men are different when it comes to their sexual response.

On top of that, these women don’t know what to ask for in bed and they get poor quality sex. And so when their male lovers don’t understand how to truly satisfy a woman and simply concentrate on their own needs or on how they as men want to have sex, this just creates a very unfulfilling experience for a woman.

5/ Not enough self-activation

What’s connected with that is the fact that many women don’t masturbate consciously or don’t masturbate at all. And hence, they don’t understand their own erogenous zones or how to activate them.

While women who regularly touch and explore their bodies, who take the time to self pleasure, to fully active their erotic potential, women who can give themselves full-body, expanded, blissful orgasms, these women can have much more fulfilling sex with their male partners. These women know what to ask for, they know what they need and so they can create sexual experiences that are deeply satisfying and nurturing for them.

Please let me know in comments below if you resonate with this topic and what your experiences have been when it comes to women’s sex drive, whether you’re a man or a woman. I’m very curious to hear if you’ve ever struggled with sexual desire and what you did about it.

 

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5 Powerful Tips to Talk Dirty to Your Partner

5 Powerful Tips to Talk Dirty to Your Partner

Dirty talk or sexy talk in the bedroom can be an incredible turn-on for a lot of people. However, most of us don’t actually do it because we’re not certain how to. So, I’m going to give you very simple tips and techniques to drive your lover crazy using just your words!

When I was younger, I was never into talking dirty in bed 

I wasn’t into talking in bed – period. Once the sexy action started, all you would hear from me would be an occasional moan. Or a giggle. That’s it!

All of that changed in my late 20s, when I got together with a particularly talkative lover. It was a casual affair but lasted for at least 6 months because we really liked each other and sex was really good.

And he always talked in bed

It seemed so natural and effortless to him. Like, he didn’t even have to think about it, he didn’t have to wonder what to say. He would just speak. And I could clearly tell that it was giving him a lot of pleasure and increasing his turn-on.

And he would ask me to speak as well. And a great thing about him was that he would help me out in the beginning. He knew that I wasn’t used to talking dirty so he was happy to help. He would say things like “Tell me (this or that)”, “Tell me how wet you are, tell me how great my cock feels inside of you”, etc.

He taught me a lot not just about talking dirty but also about making it fun and truly enjoying myself in the process

I actually learned how to get turned on by dirty talk – whether it was me who was speaking or my lover.

So if talking dirty is something you’d like to try or learn how to do masterfully, here are my 5 top tips for hot sexy talk:

1/ Say what you want

Telling your partner what you want can be a true turn-on. This will be particularly hot when it’s something you’re authentically desiring, something that truly excites you. This also helps them give you more pleasure since you’re clearly expressing your desires that they can then fulfil. This can be things like:

“I want to ravish you.”

“I can’t wait to taste on you my lips.”

“I want you inside of me.” Or “I want to be inside of you.”

“I want you to come all over me.”

“I want you to spank my bum, while you’re putting that big hard cock of yours deep in my pussy.”

2/ Say what you’re going to do

Before you do something, tell your partner what you’re going to do to them. When you’re talking about things that are about to happen, you’re actually increasing the hotness of the moment for both of you by creating an anticipation of these yummy things to come. For example:

“I’m going to suck you and lick you until you’re hot and ready to explode.”

“I’m going to make you scream with pleasure.”

“Relax and let me take care of you.”

“I’m going to tease you until you can’t take it any longer.”

3/ Say what you’re feeling

The next easy way to talk dirty is to simply express what you’re feeling in the moment. The more descriptive you are about things that are actually happening in the moment, the better this will work. This can be things like:

“This feels so fucking amazing!” “I’m getting so turned on” “I’m dripping wet for you”

“I love it when you squeeze your pussy around me like that”

“Your cock feels so incredibly good inside of me!”

“You lick my pussy so good!”

“I could spend all day between your legs.”

4/ Say what you love about them

Tell your lover what’s really yummy and delicious about them – about how they look, about their scent, about how their touch and body feels on your skin, what you love about them as your lover, etc. For example:

“You have such perfect cock” or “You have such perfect pussy.”

“You taste so good, baby”

“You fuck me so well, you’re an incredible lover.”

“You look so sexy right now”

“I love the sounds you’re making”

5/ Use their trigger words

As a bonus tip, chances are there are particular words, body parts, expressions or activities that are a special turn-on for your lover. So make sure to use them, to speak in a way that is most customized for your partner’s desires and preferences.

If you’re not sure what they are, start listening to your partner closely when they talk about your sex life. Or even ask them about their specific fantasies or about things they’d enjoy hearing from you in bed.

 

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Are You Sexually Compatible With Your Partner?

Are You Sexually Compatible With Your Partner?

When I work with people in relationships, a question that arises often in my sessions is: “Are we sexually compatible?”. There are a lot of reasons why people would ask me this – differences in libido, in sexual preferences, desires, different ideas what good sex looks like, etc.

 

In particular, different levels of libido is something that a lot of couples struggle with.

 

It seems that one partner usually wants it more than the other. And very few people have any helpful ideas about the reasons for this situation or about ways to address it.

 

Waning passion and desire is another problem that many couples face. Or keeping sex exciting instead of falling into a routine that eventually tends to become boring.

 

What I observe regularly is a deep sense of anxiety or fear about what they might learn about themselves in my sessions. I mean, who wouldn’t fear hearing from a sex therapist that they’re not sexually compatible with their partner?! And if that was to happen, what does it actually mean for the relationship? Is it the end? Or can they work through it?

 

There is no official definition of what sexual compatibility actually means.

 

The often-recognized meaning talks about similar sexual desires, needs and preferences. This can include things like frequency and duration of sexual intercourse, shared turn ons, preference for similar activities and forms of erotic expressions, etc.

 

However, I feel like this can leave a lot of couples confused. After all, not many partners share each other’s preferences and desires in the bedroom. Does it mean that they’re sexually incompatible? Not necessarily…

 

In my experience as a sex therapist, it’s actually quite rare to come across couples that share a lot of each other’s sexual needs and preferences.

 

The differences are much more common than shared ground. Yet, these couples can create very satisfying and fulfilling sex lives together. How do they do it? It requires good communication, a bit of negotiation and some give and take.

 

This means recognizing and expressing clearly what you desire and need in the bedroom. This also means hearing your partner and understanding their preferences. And finally, it means making sure the needs of both people are met – in a way that both can happily consent to.

 

It doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want in the bedroom.

 

It means that sometimes you’ll be giving your partner what they desire and not necessarily getting what you want on that particular night. But it also means that your partner is going to extend the same generosity to you – taking care of your needs (potentially on a different night) and foregoing their own wants to some degree. So in this context it might be more appropriate to talk about a SCALE of compatibility as opposed to a purely binary situation where you either are or are not sexually compatible.

 

Successful couples are those that are willing to give to each other, not only take.

 

So where does sexual IN-compatibility start?

 

Sexual incompatibility enters the picture when fulfilling your partner’s sexual needs means creating discomfort, pain or suffering (physical, mental or emotional) for yourself. If your partner needs anal sex to be sexually satisfied, while for you anal sex tends to be uncomfortable or painful, you’re likely sexually incompatible. If your partner needs sensual evenings of intimate connection and romance which you cannot possibly imagine yourself doing because all you want is role-play and kink, you’re likely sexually incompatible…

 

If this is an area of struggle in your relationship, make sure to consult myself or another reputable sex therapist. A little professional help can go a long way in creating much more intimacy, passion and sexual satisfaction in your relationship. I have helped many couples re-create desire and sexual connection in their bedrooms. The world of human eroticism is deep, complex and fascinating. So it pays to get a helping hand in navigating these challenges!

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