My Precious Insecurities

My Precious Insecurities

Recently, I had a very powerful conversation with a friend. He let me talk about all the most vulnerable, raw and honest parts of myself. At times, he offered a few words of insight or a clarifying question. Other than that, he just listened to me share about my insecurities, fears, anxieties, hopes, desires and more. At the end of that conversation I cried. I cried because I clearly saw how much shame I was still experiencing around who I was. And at the end of that sharing, I was finally able to embrace lovingly all the dark, scared, sore, lonely and human parts of myself…

 

You see… I had done a lot of hiding in my life.

 

I spent my childhood trying to hide how scared I was most of the time. I spent my teenage years trying to hide that I was awkward and shy. I spent my university years trying to hide that I wasn’t a party girl. I spent many of my relationships hiding that I didn’t know anything about sex. And I spent most of my adult years hiding that I was a nerdy introvert, that I used to have serious anxiety attacks about money and that sometimes I felt very lonely.

 

A lot of these things made me feel like a loser so I kept pretending to be an outgoing, social, happy girl. Whenever I shared accommodation in my 20s, I always made plans to go out at weekends – not because I always wanted to be out but mostly because the thought of having to tell someone on Monday morning that I hadn’t done anything fun was unbearable.

 

The journey of slowly reclaiming and learning to accept and love myself – just as I am – has been long.

 

Thanks to tantric philosophy, I slowly began digging out my authentic self from underneath a huge pile of pretence, act and masks. It took a while to actually find the real me because I’d been hiding her so well for so many years.

 

At times, I wondered who Helena actually was… And whether I would ever find out.

 

These days, I don’t hide anymore. I have made a huge progress on the path of self-discovery, self-acceptance and ultimately – self-love. I perceive all of my experiences as precious, beautiful and natural. And do you know why? Because they’re all human. And because I’m a human. And because as a human being, I’m meant to feel these things.

 

Anger? Bring it on! Fear? I can handle it. Frustration? I’ll take it. Anxiety? Uhmmm, sure!

 

I don’t dwell in these energies but I don’t reject them either. If they come, I welcome them without judgement, I experience them with curiosity and I allow them to pass. In my sessions, I have witnessed a lot of people fighting their human experiences, trying to get over them quickly and ban them from their lives.

 

But you can’t ban a part of yourself.

 

Because these experiences that we dread, worry about and regret – they’re here to stay. So you might as well accept and welcome them. That’s exactly what I am doing and it’s working great for me! After so many years of hiding and denial, I’m actually truly fascinated by my human experience – with all of its rawness, fragility and depth. Sometimes my anger gets the better of me, sometimes I struggle and sometimes I fall. But that’s ok as well, it’s just a part of this beautiful human ride.

 

Because after all, I AM HUMAN. And that’s ok.

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About Full-Body Orgasms

About Full-Body Orgasms

Recently I gave an interview where one of the questions asked was “what is a full-body orgasm?”. As this is something I hear very often AND just in case you were also wondering, let me tell you a little story from my life…

 

One of my first full-body orgasms happened when I was driving my car.

 

I was exercising my PC muscle (aka doing kegels) while breathing my erotic energy up and down my spine. I felt good, happy and excited about life. I was listening to some of my favourite songs and I was looking around at the beautiful nature, feeling joyful and satisfied with life. Suddenly an amazing orgasmic tingling sensation started travelling through my body. As I kept breathing, waves of orgasmic energy started rolling through my system and I kept fuelling them with my breath. As soon as they would decrease in intensity, I would concentrate again on deep breaths in order to keep the wonderful feeling going. This entire orgasmic experience lasted about 20 minutes.

Since that experience, I’ve been giving myself orgasms regularly using just my breath. This ability had also shifted my relationship with clitoral orgasms as they now seemed way too quick, sharp and somehow unsatisfying in most cases. They just couldn’t compare to riding orgasmic waves for minutes or hours. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with clitoral stimulation because there isn’t and I do enjoy it tremendously! But in most cases I use it to give my sexual energy a boost and not as the only means of achieving an orgasm.

 

At that point of my life, I also started questioning the definition of orgasm as a purely genital experience.

 

After doing a bit of research, I found out that Tantra recognizes many, many different types of orgasms (as opposed to just genital orgasms) and that the description of this experience is much broader than what we’re used to in the Western world. According to Tantric teachings, an orgasm is a release or movement of energy in the body. It usually comes with a feeling of being high on life, on an emotion (happiness, gratitude, but also anger, sadness, etc.). A full-body orgasm can be experienced pretty much anytime and anywhere and can be triggered by a beautiful sunset, feeling of love, taste of chocolate, etc. This kind of sensation is much different than a peak, clitoral orgasm as it involves your entire body and lasts much, much longer.

And even more to the point – full-body orgasms can be experienced with a lover. They’re not limited to people with certain skills, body type or level of consciousness. Everybody, regardless of their gender, age or sexual experience, can ride orgasmic waves during sex and in fact, it’s one of the best opportunities to do so.

The reason why I started here with a story of a self-induced (and breath-induced) full-body orgasm is simply that once you can experience them on your own, you can easily have them with a partner.

 

Yes, it all starts with you!

 

A prerequisite of a tantric orgasm is being present and that means being fully in the moment, mindful of one’s body and sensations. These days we’re rarely truly present as we keep worrying about the future or the past. As a result, the present moment gets very little attention. Stressed about what happened during the day or making plans for the future, we rarely find the time to simply observe the current moment. We miss out on all the joy of mindfully appreciating that cappuccino or a conversation with a friend. The mind always racing, we barely ever experience a peaceful moment of acknowledgement or gratitude.

And it’s in those gentle moments of calm mind and open spirit that we find most beauty, joy and wonder. As you watch the world around you with glittering eyes and quiet appreciation, simply allow your energy to travel up and down your body with relaxed muscles and a full abdominal breath. As you clear more and more energetic blockages in your body, you’ll find yourself tingling more and more with deep, orgasmic sensations.

 

And this is exactly what happened to me in the car…

 

I was fully present in the moment, simply observing the world around me and listening to the music, happy and completely stress free. My body was relaxed and open, my mind was calm and present. Life felt amazing! And then the orgasm came.

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Talking About STDs with a New Lover

Talking About STDs with a New Lover

I recently received this question from one of my clients:

 

“Hey there! You have taught me a lot about having certain conversations in an open and honest way that I was previously very anxious about. So thank you so much for that! I was wondering if you could give me advice on how to have an honest conversation regarding STI/STD testing, and flow into said conversation in an organic manner, without making it sound abrupt or turning it into a ‘mood killer’. Any help would be much appreciated.”

 

Talking about sexual health with each new lover is extremely important and no sexual contact should be initiated without it.

 

The possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted disease is very real and should be treated as such.

 

But the truth is that many people neglect to have that conversation. Initiating physical intimacy without addressing the sexual health concerns first seems easier and even more romantic. After all, who wants to kill the mood by talking about STDs! But make no mistake – having sex with an infected person could potentially cost you much more than just physical discomfort or an awkward visit to a GP.

 

So why do we stray away from talking about sexual health? Mostly, because we’re not sure how to have that chat. Secondly, because we feel embarrassed about it. Nobody prepares us for this kind of communication and the taboo and stigma that surrounds sex is much, much stronger around sexually transmitted infections.

 

But breaking the cycle of shame and discomfort around sexual health is not hard.

 

Firstly, big part of addressing it, is around checking your own attitude about it. If you approach the topic with shame and awkwardness, that kind of energy is going to leak into your discussion with a new lover. So wandering into the world of sexual health conversations needs to be done with an open and confident attitude.

 

I once heard a sexual educator share during a workshop that he had genital herpies virus in his system. As he expressed it, there was not a trace of contraction or shame in his voice or body. His face remained peaceful, his eyes still, his body relaxed. He looked at us all with confidence and kept going with his talk.

 

I must say – I was impressed!

 

Do you think that anybody judged him for his confession? No! Not a person in the room felt uncomfortable or put off by his words.

 

And that’s very important to remember – your own energy around the topic will set the tone for the chat with your new partner. If you approach the conversation with confidence and a relaxed attitude, they’re very likely to follow your lead. And if you speak your words with embarrassment, they’re likely to feel uncomfortable as well.

 

But the truth is that STDs are a part of life and are more common than you might think. In many cases, it’s also very difficult to protect yourself from them as condoms aren’t always 100% reliable. Being aware of the state of your own sexual health is crucial and regular checks allow you to address any issues early.

 

So once you’re clear on your own sexual health situation, it’s important to check in with your new lover. And I would definitely have that conversation BEFORE you actually move into the bedroom. Whenever it’s becoming obvious that both of you are intending to get intimate, it’s important to first sit down together and ask a few questions.

 

And in terms of an actual structure of the conversation, here’s a template you can use:

 

“If that’s ok with you, I’d really like to have a sexual health conversation with you.

My situation is… (disclose the current state of your sexual health).

My last sexual health check was…

And for protection, I would like us to use…”

 

Next invite your lover to share the same.

 

Remember – there’s no humiliation in catching an STD. And the medicine advances mean that many of them are 100% treatable. But the most scary and painful of them all is shame itself. So let it go and take care of your health in the bedroom!

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Have You Had Your Sungasm Yet?

Have You Had Your Sungasm Yet?

What answer would you give me if I asked you: “Can you feel your body?”

Would it be: “Yes, of course!” or would you stop to really think about it?

 

What if I told you that you’ve forgotten how to actually feel your body?

 

And that if you were really feeling it, you’d be in a mild (or not so mild) ecstatic state every time you took a deep breath? Every time you experienced warm breeze on your skin? Every time sun kissed your face?…

 

But if you have been following me for a while and you haven’t had your sun-gasm yet, we still have more work to do here 😉

 

I often joke that in my sessions, I teach people how to feel.

 

But in many cases, that’s exactly what happens. A lot of people come to me to learn to experience better, stronger orgasms, to become multi-orgasmic or to master the art of full-body ecstasy. And everybody’s journey towards these experiences is different and unique. But it ALWAYS involves developing more sensitivity and more awareness of the subtlest sensations.

 

This process is not complicated or difficult. It simply takes time. Whatever you pay attention to, becomes stronger. Wherever your awareness flows, grows and expands. If you spend some time daily connecting to your sensory receptors, the neural connections between your brain and your pleasure will get stronger.

 

That’s the magic of human body – it always keeps adapting and changing.

 

It’s never still, it’s a process that keeps happening. And you can consciously affect this ‘becoming’.

 

The science of neuroplasticity tells us that neurons that fire together, wire together. That means that if you often feel grumpy upon waking up early, you’re linking the experience of early morning with a bad mood. If you often whinge about bad traffic, you’re wiring being in the car with having a horrible experience. And if you’re often getting stuck in your head during sex, you’re disconnecting yourself from the delicious pleasure in your body AND your full orgasmic potential.

 

There’s good news – this process is fully reversible.

 

You can completely turn around your relationship with your body, your genitals, your pleasure and the full depth of your orgasms. And this means teaching your nervous system how to feel again, how to feel better and deeper.

 

You need to learn how to feel things in your body that you may have never felt before – the flow of breath through your system, your muscles relaxing and contracting, the blood flowing through your veins, your heartbeat, the touch of clothes on your skin, the pressure of furniture underneath you, energetic flows and blockages manifesting as subtle sensations, the sense of aliveness just underneath your skin, temperature changes in and outside of your body and much, much more.

 

Exercise:

 

The best way to start is to spend 5 minutes (or longer) every day on a simple activity – feeling. This is a completely uninterrupted time – just you and your body. Make sure to sit or lie down comfortably, close your eyes and slightly deepen your breathing. Once you’re feeling relaxed, start slowly scanning your entire body. You don’t need to make anything happen, just look for sensations. Be curious but don’t form any specific expectations. Allow your body to surprise you.

 

When performed regularly, this exercise will start to completely alter your connection with your body. You’ll start to strengthen the existing and form new neural connections between your brain and your pleasure. You’ll start experiencing new types of sensations and your pleasure will gain new depth and new layers to it. You won’t believe that you’d ever been able to experience sexual satisfaction before!

 

This new level of sensitivity will open up a completely new landscape of sensuality, eroticism and orgasmic potential for you. Will you give it a go? I hope so!

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If She Loved Me, She Would Be Physically Attracted to Me

If She Loved Me, She Would Be Physically Attracted to Me

I recently worked with a couple who was facing a very confronting issue. They both genuinely loved each other, yet she struggled to feel sexually attracted to him. He felt incredibly hurt and rejected by that. He assumed that:

 

if you love someone romantically, you should feel physically attracted to them.

 

She felt deeply confused and conflicted because she knew that her feelings for him were true. More than that, she described the depth of their connection as a “twin flame”, she saw him as her soulmate and hence she struggled to reconcile the feelings in her heart with the reaction of her body.

 

This situation is incredibly common and I have seen it countless times in my sessions, in one form or another. But it always comes down to this one grand assumption: If you love me, you should feel physically attracted to me.

 

But is that true?

 

It will really serve us all to unpack this statement and to look at all the different layers of our eroticism. Because when it comes to human emotions and arousal, things aren’t usually this simple.

 

1/ Sexual repression and shame

There are many different reasons why romantic love and physical attraction might not go together. And the most common one I encounter as a sex therapist, is sexual repression and shame that had been experienced earlier in life. These two are quite deadly for our sense of eroticism and arousal, and deeply affect our free sexual expression. A man or a woman who had been fed toxic, unhealthy ideas about their body, their pleasure and their genitals, will genuinely struggle to connect with or to activate their physical arousal. And it will have nothing to do with their partner and all to do with their own sense of self as a sexual being.

 

2/ Past resentment

Another common theme is the under-appreciated connection between past resentment and current arousal. Little hurts and disappointments that we’ve experienced because of our partner can add up and culminate in a subconscious refusal of intimacy with the partner. Also known as: “You want me to have sex with you after what you did???” syndrome. This one can be tricky because it can hide deep in our emotional body, away from the watchful eye of our logical brain. After all, it’s not ok to still feel hurt after all this time. So the body hides the grief, anger or resentment deep in the tissues to keep it away from the brain.

 

I have heard many clients insist that they don’t harbour resentment towards their beloved, only to be faced with uncomfortable truth upon closer inspection. It can be hard to look deep into your own heart and discover there something that you’re not proud of. But that’s the only way towards improvement.

 

3/ Too much togetherness

Third case is also quite common – a lot of couples I see have pretty much killed their physical attraction by overload of togetherness. And don’t get me wrong because I fully get it – it feels wonderful to spend plenty of time with the person you’re in love with. And it brings benefits too – deeper sense of closeness, companionship and emotional fulfilment. But the physical attraction will suffer.

 

You see, our sexual attraction to each other needs some separation, some missing each other and a deep sense of being your own person. Couples who don’t recognize that can love each other very deeply and will still struggle in the bedroom.

 

Of course, on top of these 3 cases, there are also plenty of other situations, scenarios and possibilities. And there’s nothing unusual, weird or uncommon about them. Almost all couples experience challenges with physical attraction at some point in their relationships. So if you feel like you might need help with untangling the beautifully complex aspects of your intimate connection, seek an experienced practitioner who can help. Overcoming this kind of struggles will work wonders in your relationship!

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