When Sarah knocked on my door, I welcomed her with a big smile and a warm greeting. She was pretty, intimidatingly tall and very quiet. I took her to my session room and we had a chat. Just like many of my clients do, Sarah was looking for something new, something deeper and more profound in her sexuality. She didn’t know exactly what she was after. She simply knew that ‘more’ was out there and she wanted to expand and learn.
Touch, voice and tears
I guided her through a bodywork session, while coaching and instructing her at the same time with my voice. I find that the combination of touch and voice is a powerful way to teach and guide someone through a session. This way, their time with me is not just a one-off experience, but a learning event from which they can draw in the future.
Sarah was open and followed willingly, while the session flowed in a very calm, relaxed manner.
When I finally guided her into an integration time, she was lying on her back, very still, very quiet, with her eyes closed. And then I noticed a few tears running down her face. I allowed her to be with whatever was happening for her, I held space for her, ready to listen if she needed to share.
Performance and sex
When she opened her eyes, I learned just how powerful it was for her to just be in her experience without the need to perform in any way. She told me that whenever she is with a lover, she feels pressured to have a ‘large experience’, in order to satisfy him. And that simply being in her body, responding to my touch in any way that felt right, responding to the sensations and all the energy running through her, was deeply healing and soothing for her heart.
Sarah expressed something very deep and extremely common in our society. In fact, a lot of people experience a similar pressure to ‘perform’ in sex, to behave and act in a particular way – a way that will prove that they had a great time and satisfying orgasm(s) with their lover.
This is something that even I struggle with sometimes. While at the same time I’m fully aware that the pressure is not necessarily coming from the other person, but more likely from ourselves.
Who to blame?
We don’t usually witness other ‘normal’ people having sex so we learn a lot from movies and from porn. And both porn and Hollywood are responsible for creating a very unrealistic vision of intimacy and intercourse.
We don’t witness any awkward moments in the ‘movie sex’. Everybody seems to enjoy themselves and they always have powerful orgasms.
So when our real life experience doesn’t quite match what we witness on the screen, we start to feel inadequate or not good enough.
And the truth is that sometimes sex is awkward or uncomfortable, sometimes it can get a little boring or it can feel good but not quite orgasmic.
What creates attraction and what kills it?
The most attractive quality in a man or a woman is an authentic, confident self-expression. Whenever somebody is starting to alter their behaviour in order to please us, we usually find ourselves becoming less and less interested.
The most attractive and charismatic person out there is someone who is fearlessly and unapologetically themselves. Who can admit to or even laugh at their shortcomings instead of trying to obsessively hide them.
How to be authentic in sex…
Whenever I notice that I feel pressured to have a ‘large experience’ in sex, I concentrate on a regular self-pleasuring practice.
Every time I touch and move my body, I allow myself to act in any way that feels right and natural to me. This helps me come back to my authentic, true expression.
When you’re having sex with yourself, there is nobody else there to please so you can just be yourself.
This is a fantastic way to stay more true and connected to your own body so that instead of habitually acting out a certain scenario with your lover, you can remain fully open and honest in your experience.
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