Even though I’ve been actively studying Tantra and sexuality for many years now, and even though I maintain an active connection with my body, my sensuality and my genitals, at times I still struggle with sex.
At times, I lose my libido and struggle to get aroused. Sometimes I don’t like my body and don’t feel sexy in my skin. And occasionally I don’t even want to be touched by my partner.
When this happens, I do two things.
Firstly, I honour my body and accept the fact that who I am is an ever-changing, flowing system that will not consistently perform in the same way. I also do my best to remain loving and compassionate with myself. We often tend to get critical and judge ourselves harshly for our perceived shortcomings. But when the body speaks, it’s always important to listen.
And secondly, I deepen my embodiment practice.
Why does it happen?
A loss of desire, arousal and libido can have a variety of causes. But usually, they’re strongly linked to our mindset and to the level of embodiment we’re experiencing in our bodies. When my libido disappears and when I don’t feel like connecting sexually with my partner, it usually means that I’m stuck in my head and that I allow my mind to override my physical experience.
My mind often whispers to me: “I’m too busy for this, I’m too tired, I don’t have the time, I just want to relax, I really need to be productive now and get stuff done…”. Women, if you know this voice, raise your hands!
What to do
When I make love despite this voice, sex becomes less pleasurable and I struggle to orgasm. So when I start to hear this voice, I know it’s time for some serious embodiment practice and for a renewed sensual connection with myself. There are 3 ways that allow me to create a much more embodied, pleasurable and deeply satisfying sexual experience, even when my head is trying to get in the way:
1/ Body scan
Feeling your own body is a very simple concept, yet such a challenge at the same time! We’re not used to paying a lot of attention to our physical experience, until the body demands some care by creating pain. We’re used to prioritizing the thinking mind over the feeling body and this gets us into trouble because both are valid and important.
So I like to sit down, close my eyes and deepen my breath. They say that the more you breathe, the more you feel and it’s true. As I pay attention to my fingers, hands, arms, shoulders, toes, feet, ankles, legs, etc., I slowly and surely immerse myself completely in my physical sensations. And it feels like bliss!
2/ Genital breathing
A lot of sexual issues and difficulties come down to a disconnection from our genitals. From a young age, we learn that the genitals are dirty, smelly or shameful. Most of the time, we ignore the ‘down there’ area and our erotic sensitivity starts to gradually reduce.
Bringing the breath into a body part helps us re-connect with it and feel more aliveness and sensation. Imagine that your genitals are your lungs and visualize your inhale flowing all the way down there. Allow your genital area to relax, feel an expansion, softening and opening. Then simply relax on the exhale.
Five minutes of genital breathing a day will create wonders for the sensitivity of your intimate region!
3/ Placement of awareness
While making love, we can sometimes experience pain or discomfort in our genitals. I find that placing our awareness in there during sex and making sure to keep the area relaxed and open, is a very helpful way to reduce the discomfort and intensify pleasure.
Whatever we place our attention on, grows and expands. Whatever we withdraw our attention from, contracts and becomes numb. When I make love, I pay a close attention to my entire body. But during penetration, a big portion of my awareness goes to my genitals. This little trick really allowed me to grow my pleasure potential!
Having more embodied sex means having more pleasure, feeling more connected to one’s body and to their partner. It also means healing past wounding, shame and conditioning placed upon us by the society and religion.
Great sex can heal a lot of frustration in our relationships. Embodied sex can heal, empower and free us from what is holding us back in the bedroom!
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