Why You Need To Masturbate

Why You Need To Masturbate

Some of the more common questions I answer in my sex therapy sessions are about masturbation. Is it ok to do it. How often, what techniques, what’s the best way to touch your genitals, etc. The taboo of masturbation seems to be still alive and well so in this article I’m going to give you 3 key reasons why you absolutely need to touch yourself.

 

Some time ago I made a video where I showed and described the contents of my naughty drawer. Most of the viewers seemed to have really enjoyed it but some had a serious problem with it.

 

I actually made that video in order to inspire others to become more curious and daring in their self-pleasure practice.

 

I wanted also to give others a sort of permission to talk more openly about masturbation since it’s such a common, natural and enjoyable practice.

 

In fact, I had a lot of fun showing and describing my pleasure collection, particularly that I do play with a few quite unusual items. But not everybody agreed with me and some people argued that masturbation was wrong, or only for single or lonely people.

 

 

A lot of people still seem to think that partnered sex is a somehow higher level of a sexual activity than masturbation.

 

They struggle to understand that I recommend self-touch not as a last resort but as a valid experience for people who also enjoy love-making with their partners.

 

The reason for this is very simple – masturbation is our most basic form of sexual activity and the way we touch ourselves will determine the way we make love to others. If you touch yourself in a quick, efficient way, focused on reaching a goal – that’s how you’ll have sex with your partner. And if you take your time, engage curiosity and concentrate on deepening pleasure and connection – your partner sex experiences will be enriched by that as well.

 

So why you NEED to self-pleasure?

 

1/ Self-exploration

The better you know your body, erogenous zones and your pleasure potential, the better you can guide your partner to pleasure you. Unfortunately, in modern society most people don’t actually know what they want in bed and hence, are unable to ask for it.

 

We are all different and we all have different needs and desires. These needs and desires can even change daily which can be very confusing to our partners, particularly if we don’t understand them ourselves.

 

Once we get to know our own bodies intimately, we can support each other in exploring our sensuality and pleasure. Because it’s much better to give your partner 5 minutes of what they really, really want than 30 minutes of what you THINK they want.

 

2/ Pleasure training

Our bodies learn pleasure and can get better and better at it in the same way that your muscles get stronger and stronger as you keep going to the gym.

 

Self-pleasuring is a wonderful way to teach your body how to feel sexual pleasure and to train and condition yourself for a lifetime of orgasmic bliss and ecstasy. Masturbation also allows us to overcome limiting beliefs, shame and guilt about our bodies.

 

Touching yourself slowly, mindfully, giving yourself a loving full-body massage will re-sensitize your skin and help you develop a deeper connection with your physical sensations and your erotic self.

 

Plus something that not many people are aware of – nobody can give you an orgasm, they can only support you in having one. Whether you orgasm or not, depends on you only – your level of sensitivity, of connection with your body and any limiting beliefs in your head that might be inhibiting your orgasmic ability.

 

3/ It will make you happy

Yes, as simple as that – pleasure makes us happy, relaxed and content. Awakening our sexual energy and feeling that deeply vibrant, ecstatic force flowing through our bodies charges us, energizes us and nurtures our bodies.

 

Orgasms cause a huge release of pleasure hormones and neurotransmitters that flood our system giving us more satisfaction, confidence and wellbeing.

 

However, be aware that there are two different ways to orgasm – the explosive way which will deplete you and the implosive way which will nurture you. Check out my last video here to learn about having those implosive full-body orgasms!

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5 Steps to Full Body Orgasms

5 Steps to Full Body Orgasms

There are orgasms… and there are full-body orgasms! The two aren’t the same, they feel different and they affect you differently – physically, energetically and emotionally. So if you’re curious what a full-body orgasm is and how to have one or give one to your partner, keep reading!

 

Whenever I’m asked what a full-body orgasm is, I’m a bit lost for words

 

And that’s because it’s extremely difficult to describe with language an experience that’s beyond anything that my mind could ever fully grasp. It’s a bit like trying to describe a new colour using just words – it’s just very, very hard 😉

 

But I guess the first thing here is to understand what an orgasm actually is because that will give you a gateway into its fuller potential in your body. So an orgasm is a release of energy, of a sexual energy. First we build up arousal and sexual charge and then eventually we get to a point where that charge is too intense to hold in the body, and the energy is released during an orgasm.

 

 

When we tense up our bodies in bed, that orgasmic release will typically happen externally

 

Men release their sexual charge out together with the semen during ejaculation. And women release it externally through a clitoral orgasm.

 

But! both men and women can learn to re-direct that orgasmic release inwards and upwards, which will lead to experiencing a full-body orgasm – an orgasm which feels expansive, profound and deeply blissful as it keeps flowing internally through your entire system.

 

It feels like every cell of your body is orgasming!

 

And instead of leaving you feeling drained and disconnected afterwards, this kind of expanded orgasms feel nurturing, energizing and deeply pleasurable.

 

It feels like a difference between a genital sneeze and a waterfall of erotic waves and ripples flowing through your entire system. So if you’re ready to upgrade your orgasms from sneezes to waterfalls, I’m going to tell you how to do just that!

 

1/ relax your body

Muscle tension causes energetic blockages in the body and stops the energy from flowing freely. So make sure to keep your body relaxed and open. Particularly your pelvic area should be free from any muscular tension.

 

2/ notice the sensations

Placement of your awareness is very important here. Where your attention goes, that’s where the energy flows.

If your attention is firmly held in your genitals, it’ll be hard for your energy to flow and expand. So keep noticing the sensations in your entire body, even the most subtle ones!

 

3/ breathe deeply

Your breath is a magical tool. Your breath is what actually makes the energy move. So keep your breathing slow, deep and relaxed. Allow your breath to travel all the way down to your pelvis.

 

Also, don’t hold the breath at any point. Keep the inhale flowing immediately after each exhale and each exhale immediately after each inhale, etc. Like an uninterrupted circle of breath.

 

4/ visualisation

The mind-body connection is powerful so use it to your advantage! Imagine pulling your energy upward through your body. Visualise it as a moving, expanding and circulating wave of light or colour. Use any particular visualisation that you find most helpful.

 

5/ sound

And finally sound. Sound is a powerful tool because the vibration of the sound moves energy. So open your mouth as you exhale and let out a sigh, a moan or any other sound that feels natural and delicious to you.

 

A lot of people shy away from making sounds during sex or masturbation but they’re just missing out on a very potent and powerful experience.

 

How about you – have you ever experienced full-body orgasms? How did it happen? And were you able to re-create the experience?

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How to Finger a Woman

How to Finger a Woman

In my life I’ve received some exquisite fingering sessions from my lovers. And also some really, really bad ones… So today I’m bringing to you all of that wisdom, experience and insight in my comprehensive guide on fingering a woman!

 

There are absolutely amazing things you can do to a woman’s genital area when using your hands and fingers skilfully

 

You can excite her, you can tease her, you can arouse her, you can bring her to blissful states of ecstasy and to powerful orgasms.

 

When used well, your hands can play her pussy like an instrument, taking her up and down to different levels of pleasure and arousal, your fingers can guide her towards a land of promises of delights to come and then you can keep her right at the edge of that place, without quite taking her there.

 

 

When done well, this will drive her mad with desire and will make her beg you for more.

 

But for most men, the vulva (meaning the external parts of female genitalia) is a mysterious place and they don’t have a map or any kind of guidance to navigate that area well.

 

All the parts and female genital anatomy are deeply sensitive and receptive to pleasure so keep that in mind when you’re fingering her. It’s not just about the clit! There’s much more you can do when massaging her pussy.

 

1/ your intention

So first of all, be clear on your intention here. Don’t finger her pussy from any sort of place of neediness or your own horniness. Don’t do it with an agenda of getting her to repay the favour afterwards.

 

She will feel your energy and it will make her feel like she can’t fully receive your touch. So instead give from a place of generosity and love. Let go of any agenda and simply finger her for the sake of giving her pleasure.

 

2/ relax her

Have her lie down comfortably and start by gently stroking her entire body. This doesn’t need to take a lot of time but will be helpful in creating a much more pleasurable experience for her.

 

And every time you touch and stroke her skin, imagine that you’re making love to her body with your hands and fingers.

 

3/ external strokes

When you’re ready to start touching her pussy, play with the following external strokes. And absolutely make sure to use a quality organic lubricant here. Her lady parts will not respond well to a dry hand. My favourite is coconut oil but make sure to ask her what she prefers:

  • Holding still – place a flat hand on top of her entire vulva and hold still,
  • Vibration – as above but gently vibrate your hand,
  • Circular massage – this doesn’t involve any friction, simply place your hand on her vulva and make slow circular strokes with your hand, moving all her yummy bits together with your palm,
  • Kneading the outer lips – knead and massage each lip separately,
  • Kneading her inner lips – knead each inner lip separately or both together,
  • 3 fingers stroke – middle finger between her inner lips and 2 other fingers in the grove between each inner and outer lip; next stroke gently and very slowly up and down – from above her clit all the way down to her perineum,
  • Tour de France – with the pad of your index finger, gently trace the grove between her inner and outer lip all the way up from the perineum to up above the clit and then come back on the other side; repeat the entire loop a few times;
  • Through the lips – hold her clitoris between the folds of her inner and outer lips and gently massage with your fingers,
  • Clit clock – imagine that her clit is a face of a clock and gently massage with little circles each o’clock.

 

Make sure to be really slow with all of these strokes and with some of them introduce some variety in terms of speed, pressure and location of your fingers. Use your judgement here and keep watching her body’s response.

 

When she’s relaxed, breathing deeply and is lost in her pleasure, you are on the right track!

 

4/ internal strokes

When you’ve taken a good care of her external bits, you can go inside.

  • Vaginal entrance – spend some time here massaging the entrance,
  • G-spot – insert one or two fingers up to your second knuckle and push and massage up towards her stomach,
  • Outer third – the outer third of her vaginal canal is most sensitive so explore this entire area well,
  • Deep massage, including cervix – once you’re done with the outer third, go deeper,
  • Combine external and internal strokes (G-spot and clit go particularly well together).

 

5/ enjoy yourself

All of these strokes and more will give her a heightened experience of pleasure and erotic activation so it really is a powerful thing to give your woman a great fingering session. But one last important bit of my advice is to make sure that you’re enjoying yourself!

 

If you’re bored or resentful that you have to do something for her. Or if your heart just isn’t in it, she will feel it and it will reduce her own enjoyment of your touch.

 

So learn to enjoy this process. Remember that touch is always 2-directional, meaning that when you’re stroking her, you’re also experiencing her skin on your hands and fingers. This can be a very arousing, fun and delightful experience!

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Each time I mention cervical orgasms during public talks and interviews, I get a lot of surprised looks and questions. This keeps reminding me of how very few people are actually aware of what cervical orgasms are and how to have them.

 

I didn’t always have cervical orgasms!

 

I didn’t even know about their existence until I began researching and exploring all sexual books, articles, programs, courses and workshops I could get my hands on – back at the beginning of my sexual and tantric path. And after actually teaching myself how to have cervical orgasms, I realized how incredibly sad it is that not many women know about the orgasmic power of the cervix. Because these internal orgasms are incredibly delicious, expansive, blissful and deeply satisfying.

 

All orgasms are wonderful and delightful and I’m not in any way attempting to grade or classify them here. But in my own personal experience, there is something deeply potent, beautiful and out-of-this world about cervical orgasms.

 

 

I actually like to refer to them as the Holy Grail of all female orgasms

 

… because of that depth of pleasure and bliss they offer. So in this article, I want to not only talk about the art of having them, but also about giving cervical orgasms to your partner if you happen to not own a cervix yourself.

 

So first of all, what is cervix and why are cervical orgasms so amazing?

 

Cervix is located at the back wall of the vaginal canal and it forms the entrance to the womb. When touched and massaged, it feels like the tip of the nose sticking out of the back wall of the vagina. Because of its specific anatomy and biology, when stimulated, cervix can provide a woman with very different and distinct kind of pleasure and sensations, as compared to the externally located and much more familiar clitoris.

 

Cervix can be stimulated with a penis, with a dildo or with a finger (except for some women who have fairly long vaginal canals and can’t reach it with fingers). When stimulated, cervix produces blissful pleasure that feels deep, peacefully grounding and expansive. The sensations seem to be flowing outward in the body in a very profound way, like waves of the ocean.

 

The experience can put a woman in a state of ecstatic trance not just for a few seconds but for much, much longer.

 

So here comes the big question: Why don’t all women have cervical orgasms?

 

Most women have experienced years of aggressive, mechanical, disconnected, porn-inspired sex. And the poor cervix is a highly sensitive creature which requires an appropriate level of pressure, speed and intensity of stimulation. However, if it’s been pounded for years without an appropriate level of appreciation and care, it will over time lose its pleasure potential and it will become numb.

 

The good news is that any woman can re-sensitize her cervix

 

With enough time and patience, that precious sensitivity of all the nerve endings can be re-claimed and cultivated. First of all, see if you can find your cervix using your fingers. Once you locate it, massage it gently, paying attention to any sensations you experience there. This can take some time and a few tries so don’t get discouraged if you can’t feel anything straight away.

 

An amazing tool for re-sensitizing the cervix is a Rose Quartz crystal wand and I would recommend it to any lady who is committed to re-claiming the fullness of her orgasmic cervix. I have linked my wand in the description below.

 

I still use my pleasure wand to keep my cervix happy and activated and I consider the wand one of my most prized possessions.

 

And gentlemen, here’s a powerful tip for you!

 

During intercourse, apart from the familiar in-and-out movement, try also slowly sliding your penis deep inside the vagina and then use an up-and-down grinding motion, allowing the head of the penis to stroke and massage the cervix.

 

This can take a while so don’t give up after 30 seconds!

 

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