3 Ways to Have More Embodied Sex

3 Ways to Have More Embodied Sex

Even though I’ve been actively studying Tantra and sexuality for many years now, and even though I maintain an active connection with my body, my sensuality and my genitals, at times I still struggle with sex.

At times, I lose my libido and struggle to get aroused. Sometimes I don’t like my body and don’t feel sexy in my skin. And occasionally I don’t even want to be touched by my partner.

 

When this happens, I do two things.

 

Firstly, I honour my body and accept the fact that who I am is an ever-changing, flowing system that will not consistently perform in the same way. I also do my best to remain loving and compassionate with myself. We often tend to get critical and judge ourselves harshly for our perceived shortcomings. But when the body speaks, it’s always important to listen.

And secondly, I deepen my embodiment practice.

 

Why does it happen?

 

A loss of desire, arousal and libido can have a variety of causes. But usually, they’re strongly linked to our mindset and to the level of embodiment we’re experiencing in our bodies. When my libido disappears and when I don’t feel like connecting sexually with my partner, it usually means that I’m stuck in my head and that I allow my mind to override my physical experience.

My mind often whispers to me: “I’m too busy for this, I’m too tired, I don’t have the time, I just want to relax, I really need to be productive now and get stuff done…”. Women, if you know this voice, raise your hands!

 

What to do

 

When I make love despite this voice, sex becomes less pleasurable and I struggle to orgasm. So when I start to hear this voice, I know it’s time for some serious embodiment practice and for a renewed sensual connection with myself. There are 3 ways that allow me to create a much more embodied, pleasurable and deeply satisfying sexual experience, even when my head is trying to get in the way:

 

1/ Body scan

 

Feeling your own body is a very simple concept, yet such a challenge at the same time! We’re not used to paying a lot of attention to our physical experience, until the body demands some care by creating pain. We’re used to prioritizing the thinking mind over the feeling body and this gets us into trouble because both are valid and important.

So I like to sit down, close my eyes and deepen my breath. They say that the more you breathe, the more you feel and it’s true. As I pay attention to my fingers, hands, arms, shoulders, toes, feet, ankles, legs, etc., I slowly and surely immerse myself completely in my physical sensations. And it feels like bliss!

 

2/ Genital breathing

 

A lot of sexual issues and difficulties come down to a disconnection from our genitals. From a young age, we learn that the genitals are dirty, smelly or shameful. Most of the time, we ignore the ‘down there’ area and our erotic sensitivity starts to gradually reduce.

Bringing the breath into a body part helps us re-connect with it and feel more aliveness and sensation. Imagine that your genitals are your lungs and visualize your inhale flowing all the way down there. Allow your genital area to relax, feel an expansion, softening and opening. Then simply relax on the exhale.

Five minutes of genital breathing a day will create wonders for the sensitivity of your intimate region!

 

3/ Placement of awareness

 

While making love, we can sometimes experience pain or discomfort in our genitals. I find that placing our awareness in there during sex and making sure to keep the area relaxed and open, is a very helpful way to reduce the discomfort and intensify pleasure.

Whatever we place our attention on, grows and expands. Whatever we withdraw our attention from, contracts and becomes numb. When I make love, I pay a close attention to my entire body. But during penetration, a big portion of my awareness goes to my genitals. This little trick really allowed me to grow my pleasure potential!

 

Having more embodied sex means having more pleasure, feeling more connected to one’s body and to their partner. It also means healing past wounding, shame and conditioning placed upon us by the society and religion.

Great sex can heal a lot of frustration in our relationships. Embodied sex can heal, empower and free us from what is holding us back in the bedroom!

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When it comes to sex, a lot of things are about a personal preference. And size of the penis is one of these things. Regardless of the size, penis is able to perform its duties and functions properly. However, men tend to have strong feelings about how big (or small) their penises are.

 

It seems that most men desire to be bigger.

 

And that the gentlemen who do have impressive cocks, get a deep sense of confidence and pride out of that fact. However, what is actually big enough? And what do women have to say about that?

 

According to research, huge majority of men fall into an average size group. The average penis measures 8-10cm flaccid and 12-14cm erect. And only a relatively small percentage of men are smaller or bigger than that.

 

Research also reports that an overwhelming majority of heterosexual women are satisfied with their partner’s size.

 

Most women also claim that the size of the penis doesn’t make any difference to their pleasure. Some of these women also mentioned that a smaller penis can be actually more pleasurable to them as a larger cock can cause painful friction or can hit the cervix located at the end of the vaginal canal.

 

Plus, men with shorter penises can be better equipped to stimulate the sensitive G-spot and to bring their lovers to delicious G-spot orgasms.

 

It seems that internet porn causes a lot of penis shaming.

 

Actors who are chosen for the roles typically are really well endowed and in many cases these penises are also digitally enhanced or injected with drugs that induce erections and enhance engorgement. When normal sized men compare themselves to the male porn stars, they tend to fall short, giving them a sense of inadequacy.

 

It breaks my heart every time I work in sessions with these men and hear their stories…

 

Let’s please stop shaming the penises for their size! All cocks are beautiful, capable and amazing. And after all, most women don’t care about the size of the penis as long as the man knows how to use it!

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On one hand, this makes me sad because cervical orgasms are so incredibly delicious and every single woman should be experiencing them on a regular basis. But on the other hand, I myself didn’t learn about their existence until I began researching and exploring all sexual books, articles, programs, courses and workshops I could get my hands on back at the beginning of my tantric path.

 

So, what’s all the fuss about?

 

All orgasms are wonderful and delightful and I’m not in any way attempting to grade or classify them here. But in my own personal experience, there is something deeply potent, beautiful and out-of-this world about cervical orgasms. I like to refer to them as the Holy Grail of all female orgasms because of that depth of pleasure and bliss they offer. And in this article, I’m going to not only talk about the art of having one, but also about giving one to your partner if you don’t happen to own a cervix yourself.

 

Why are cervical orgasms so amazing?

 

Cervix is located at the back wall of the vaginal canal and it is the entrance to the womb. When touched and massaged, it feels like the tip of the nose. Because of its specific anatomy and biology, when stimulated, cervix can provide a woman with very different and distinct kind of pleasure and sensations, as compared to the externally located and much more familiar clitoris.

 

Cervix can be stimulated with a penis, with a dildo or with a finger (except for some women who have fairly long vaginal canals and can’t reach it with fingers). When stimulated, cervix produces blissful pleasure that feels deep, peacefully grounding and expansive. The sensations seem to be flowing outward in the body in a very profound way, like waves of the ocean.

 

The experience can put a woman in a state of ecstatic trance not just for a few seconds but for much, much longer.

 

Why don’t all women have cervical orgasms?

 

Most women have experienced years of aggressive, mechanical, disconnected, porn-inspired sex. The poor cervix is a highly sensitive creature which requires an appropriate level of pressure, speed and intensity of stimulation. However, if it’s been pounded for years without an appropriate level of appreciation and care, it will over time lose its pleasure potential and it will become numb.

 

What to do if your cervix is numb?

 

The good news is that any woman can re-sensitize her cervix. With enough time and patience, that precious sensitivity of all the nerve endings can be re-claimed and cultivated.

 

First of all, see if you can find your cervix using your fingers. Once you locate it, massage it gently, paying attention to any sensations you experience there. This can take some time and a few tries so don’t get discouraged if you can’t feel anything straight away.

 

An amazing tool for re-sensitizing the cervix is a rose quartz crystal wand and I would recommend it to any lady who is committed to re-claiming the full potential of her orgasmic cervix. I still use my pleasure wand to keep my cervix happy and activated and I consider my wand to be one of my most prized possessions.

 

Tip for the gentlemen

 

During intercourse, apart from the more familiar in-and-out movement, try also slowly sliding your penis deep inside the vagina and then use an up-and-down grinding motion, allowing the head of the penis to stroke and massage the cervix. This can take a while so don’t give up after 30 seconds!

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