When I work with people in relationships, a question that arises often in my sessions is: “Are we sexually compatible?”. There are a lot of reasons why people would ask me this – differences in libido, in sexual preferences, desires, different ideas what good sex...
Since sex had been an area of struggle for most of my life, I always connected with my partners through talking. After reading “Five Love Languages”, I learned that Quality Time was my primary love language. And it just made sense to me that spending uninterrupted time together, time filled with deep conversation, meaningful exchanges and vulnerable shares was what my soul and heart needed to feel deeply bonded to my beloved.
While being in my early relationships, I was learning that my partners’ desire for sex was usually much higher than mine, while their need to talk with me – lower. It usually felt like I had to work hard to get as much quality time with them as I wanted, while their preference was usually to have sex.
I was reasoning with myself that men are just differently wired, that they “only think about one thing”, that they’re always horny.
At the same time, for me sex was unimportant. I could take it or leave it. I could get some pleasure from it, some nice experiences, some fun… but in the end, I kept walking away from it unfulfilled and empty.
Conceptually I knew that sex was a tool of connection. But if I felt disconnected from my partner to start with, no amount of sex could change that.
A lot of women tell me that they can happily forget about sex altogether.
And these are usually women in relationships. They can still feel loved, connected and fulfilled in their lives and their relationships, without the need for a sexual interaction. This tells me that I wasn’t alone in my early experiences.
It took me some time and a whole lot of sexual education to learn the shocking truth: the way that I felt connected to my partner through talking, the same way he felt connected to me through sex. Wow! That had caught me by surprise and allowed me to see a completely new dimension in sex…
When my partner was cutting short our quality time together, he was leaving me empty and disappointed, while I was doing the same to him by refusing to connect sexually…
Many years later and after speaking to thousands of clients and individuals all over the world, I realize that the truth is complicated. It’s not really so much about the male-female dynamic. We’re all different and have different needs when it comes to connection and feeling loved.
For some – it’s talking, for others – it’s sex. For others still, it’s a combination of both plus different variations and elements added.
What truly matters is that we feel safe and courageous enough to express these needs, to talk about them and to ask for what we want. A lot of couples I see have no idea how to talk about their intimate needs and that creates a split and conflict.
So I challenge you here to look deeply into what you want, need and desire in your own relationship.
And then to ask for it! Discuss it with your partner and ask them to take some time to think deeply about their own needs as well.
And who knows – you might create much more love, fulfilment and connection in your relationship, and you might also learn something new about your beloved!
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