Why Women Choose Dickheads

Why Women Choose Dickheads

I’m often asked by guys why women say that they want a nice guy but then they put him in the friend-zone and go out with a “dickhead” instead. There is usually a lot of frustration behind that question because nice guys know how much value they’re capable of offering the woman – they’re caring, loving, helpful, giving and kind.

 

On the other hand, “dickheads” tend to be selfish, careless, inconsiderate or even violent. Yet, they’re the ones that usually go home with the girl. And once in a relationship, they treat the girl poorly. Which is something that nice guys observe with horror because they know that they would have treated her like a queen.

 

So, how to make sense of this?…

 

The truth is complicated. On one hand, women need to feel safe and loved by a guy. This then allows them to open up romantically and sexually to him. However, men that create this kind of safety for a woman, men who are kind and considerate, usually fail to turn that woman on.

 

And this is what bad boys usually do better – they’re typically much more connected to their masculinity, to their cocks and balls and to their sexuality. And that is what truly seduces women.

 

It’s like this – the stronger the polarity between two people, the stronger the attraction.

 

That means that masculine men are typically attracted to feminine women and feminine women to masculine men. And when a man is much more connected to his heart than to his cock, he’s in his feminine essence. In such a case, woman’s feminine essence is meeting his feminine essence and there’s no polarity. And after meeting him, she goes home and says to her friends: “He was really nice! But there was no connection there.”

 

The masculine and feminine essence is not about gender – it’s just energy. We all have both masculine and feminine energy within us. The trick is to cultivate the right balance of the two within yourself.

 

Generally speaking:

  • Masculine energy is direct, purposeful, it executes, it gets stuff done, it moves forward, it “penetrates”, it holds space, it’s grounded and creates a steady container for the feminine.
  • Feminine energy is moving and flowing in all directions, it’s soft and subtle, it’s sensual, it’s emotional, it’s very connected to the heart, it surrenders, it dances in life with joy and compassion.

 

A man who only has masculine energy in himself gets things done effectively and efficiently but is ruthless and disconnected.

A woman who only has feminine energy in herself is loving, caring and soft but chaotic and directionless.

 

This is why we need both.

 

So when you want to seduce a woman, you need to find the middle ground between the “nice guy” and the “dickhead”. You need to provide her with safety that she needs but also with that raw masculine energy that she craves.

 

When a man shows strong masculine qualities, this is usually very attractive to a woman because women don’t typically have a strong masculine energy and hence are attracted to this polar opposite.

 

Nice guys often don’t show strongly their masculine energy because it’s usually hidden under shame, guilt or fear. And so women don’t experience the attraction. Nice guys seem too soft, too feminine, and because of that there’s no polarity and not a lot of attraction there.

 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, macho guys just seem like a better alternative to many women – they seem much more exciting.

 

But please note two important points here:

 

1/ A man who has the right balance of masculine and feminine energy is a MUCH better option for a woman than BOTH a macho guy and a nice guy,

2/ A lot of women have fallen for the “dickhead”, got burnt and now see through the macho-guy layer. These women will tend to choose a nice guy over a macho guy so please don’t feel doomed!

 

When I was younger and much more naive, I used to fall for the strong, detached, masculine “macho” types. 

 

After a few relationships filled with conflict, frustration and tears, I learned my lesson and now I fall for men who are caring, loving and gentle.

I also love it when they have a healthy connection to their masculinity but their heart and kindness are much more important qualities to me than their porn-style personalities. And there are MANY women like this out there!

 

So if you’re struggling to create attraction in women, you need to cultivate your masculine essence.

 

If you’re not sure how to do that, please make sure to check out my What Women Want online course.

 

Here is a message to any guy who finds himself in the friend-zone too often:

Yes, you can drop into your masculinity! Yes, you can develop your masculine energy! And  yes, you can have a beautiful relationship! Yes – 100%!

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

How to Orgasm Without Ejaculation

Can men orgasm without ejaculation? Why would they want to do it? And what non-ejaculatory orgasms have to do with tantric orgasms and being a multi-orgasmic men? Don’t go anywhere because I’ve got it all here!   Let’s talk about ejaculation!   It’s highly...

read more

How to Overcome Porn Addiction

Porn addiction – what is it? How to know if you’re addicted? What to do about it? Is there a cure? How can you overcome it? Stick around – I’m going to address all of that!   I regularly work with men who struggle with porn use and porn addiction   Some men who come...

read more

Do Women Like Sex

When I work with couples, an issue that arises very often is that the female partner loses her sex drive and her interest in sex. This is obviously not the case of every single couple, however, this comes up often enough to wonder what is really behind it. And whether...

read more

The Libido Myth

The Libido Myth

Do you have a high libido? A low one? Is your libido somewhere in between? Is it always the same? Does it keep changing? Does it depend on particular circumstances? If so, what is it influenced by? And can you even define your libido if someone asked you to?…

 

For most of my life, I was convinced I had no libido.

 

I never desired sex. In my 20s, I was curious about it but mostly because I wanted to know how different people “did it”. When single, my drive for sexual encounters was firmly based in my head – it was an intellectual desire to explore sexually, to learn more, to experience a variety of fun and pleasurable encounters in the bedroom.

 

But once in a relationship, there was nothing more to explore, sexual intimacy with a partner always felt the same and I had no more drive to do it. Worse still – because I was very repressed sexually, I didn’t actually know how to derive any significant pleasure from it for myself and would have sex only to satisfy my partner. After all, people in relationships were meant to have intercourse, right?

 

When I discovered Tantra and began to heal my sexuality, things started to shift.

 

I started to experience sex as orgasmic and amazing and I started to want it. Yet, I could go on for months without it, never having the quality of my life diminished by lack of sex. When I did desire it, it was mostly in the context of meeting someone special and sharing hot and passionate moments together. So it seems that the sex drive itself wasn’t really just about sex – it was a desire for connection and shared intimacy with someone.

 

We’ve learned to understand libido as a sexual drive, as a biological need that demands to be satisfied.

 

Yet, judging from my own experience and from everything I’ve heard from my clients, this definition seems inaccurate.

 

A lot of couples that come to me for sessions talk about mismatched sex drives and frustrations born from it. And I teach them to navigate this tricky territory and to consciously and purposefully create erotic connection and intimacy in their relationship. And I do not change their biology! I simply support them in shifting toxic beliefs, unhealthy ideas or healing wounds in their relationship and eroticism.

 

People who claim to have high libido, might experience its drop when they’re overwhelmed by stress or fatigue. People who claim to have low libido, can desire sex with every inch of their bodies at particular times of their lives.

 

Besides, do we even know what exactly a high or low libido is?

 

Or do we tend to define it in comparison to others, as in – one partner in a relationship has a higher libido than the other one, or a person who used to have a lower libido than they do now…

 

On top of that, our beliefs and ideas around morality, pleasure, our bodies and genitals affect how we experience libido. Sexuality is a universal aspect of who we are as human beings, yet it’s treated very differently in different parts of the world. This results in very different approaches to sex and sexual drive.

 

People all over the world experience wanting sex for a variety of reasons…

 

… for connection, for loving expression, for touch, for pleasure, for orgasms, for power, for money, for procreation, for entertainment, etc.

 

So, if libido can be affected by where you were born, what beliefs you grew up with, how stressed or tired you’re currently feeling, the state of your health, the state of your relationship, etc. plus by a wide variety of reasons that drive your desire for sex in the first place, is it really fair to call it a biological drive?

 

Yes, a part of it is biological and driven by our hormones. But to leave it there seems incorrect. It seems to me that it’s more of a complex network of needs, desires, conditioning and other types of motivators that come together to form this thing we call libido.

 

It’s not just something we experience – libido is something we’re actively co-creating with our bodies, emotions and minds.

 

And only when coming from this perspective, we can begin to understand what a sex drive really is, what affects it and how we can influence it.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

Is Masturbation Bad for You

Many people ask me if masturbation is bad for you, how it affects your health and wellbeing and how often you should ideally masturbate. Answers to these questions aren’t always easy and straightforward but in this article I’m going to give you some real and helpful...

read more

How Long Should Sex Last

I recently talked about how often you should be having sex. And today I want to discuss the ideal duration of a sexual intercourse. Do you wonder what’s normal or standard? How long do other people have sex for? And how you compare to that?   I feel like first of all...

read more

How to Maintain Passion in Relationships?

If you’ve been in a relationship before, you’ve probably noticed that with time, the spark and sizzle of a passionate connection reduces. Sometimes even disappears completely. So, what to do to keep that desire, passion and flame alive? Is it even possible? Keep...

read more

What Your Masturbation Habits Say About You

What Your Masturbation Habits Say About You

When I first started studying masturbation coaching within my sexological training, I was mind-blown. I had no idea that when it comes to self-pleasuring, the number of techniques, practices and ideas is endless…

 

At that point in my life, I had been touching myself in a fairly routine way – I knew my most sensitive erogenous zones and I knew what kind of strokes worked on them. I knew what kind of pressure, speed and intensity I needed in order to orgasm and I always took myself to the climax in a fairly similar way.

 

Is this the same for you? Is there a certain routine in your masturbation practice? Are you still touching yourself in the same way you did 10 years ago? 15 years ago?

 

Most people do!

 

A lot of people form self-touch habits early in their lives. They start masturbating as teenagers and – usually by necessity – touch themselves in a highly efficient way in order to come quickly. This is typically to avoid being caught in the act (by the parent or someone else). Lack of solid sexual education at this stage of our lives means that we usually need to work things out for ourselves. And this in most cases contributes to a fairly narrow range of strokes and techniques we use.

 

And what most people don’t realize is that their self-pleasure practice greatly impacts on the quality of their partnered sex life. You see, every time you touch and arouse your body in a particular way, you’re wiring your nervous system to respond with sexual tension to a particular kind of touch. Over time, this can cause your body to become wired to respond to erotic touch in a very particular way and to require a particular kind of stimulation to achieve satisfaction and pleasure.

 

And this might be difficult for your partner to recreate.

 

This kind of repeated, routine self-stimulation can also limit your pleasure potential due to neuroplasticity. Put simply, if you’re regularly using certain neural connections and ignoring others, you’ll strengthen a few neural connections while allowing many others to become dormant. After all, neurons that fire together, wire together. And if you’re repeatedly firing few particular ones for your pleasure, the rest of your vast and rich neural network available for erotic play will become deactivated.

 

So I want to invite you to a little self inquiry today.

 

Make yourself a cup of tea, grab a journal and answer the following questions:

1/ How satisfied are you with your sex life (either solo or with a partner)?

2/ Do your sexual experiences feel rushed?

3/ Do you wish you made love for longer?

4/ Where do you mostly feel pleasure in your body?

5/ Is your pleasure mainly focused in your genital area?

6/ Does your pleasure expand and vibrate through your entire system?

7/ How do you feel afterwards?

8/ Do you feel satisfied, energized and deeply nurtured?

9/ Or do you feel frustrated, tired and depleted?

10/ Are you keen to experience more in the bedroom?

 

This kind of self-inquiry can provide valuable insight and a powerful way to establish where you are at sexually right now. It can also help you form an idea of what is lacking and what you’d like to create in your erotic experiences.

 

And if this is something you’d like to explore in more detail, my Masturbation Coaching online program answers a lot of questions and offers a wide range of ideas, techniques and practices that can rewire your system for much more pleasure, deeper bliss and wider orgasmic potential.

 

When I talk to people who are frustrated sexually, I always ask them about their self-touch practice…

 

How you touch yourself holds a lot of answers when it comes to any issues in the bedroom.

 

And it also holds a key to creating a lifetime of sexual pleasure and fulfilment!

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

How to Have Slow Sex & Stronger Orgasms

Have you ever heard of slow sex? What comes to mind when you hear these words together? Slow – sex… What kind of scenes do you see when you picture it in your head? Can you even picture it?   When I first heard of this notion, I was shocked and surprised. In my mind,...

read more

3 Ways to Have More Embodied Sex

Even though I’ve been actively studying Tantra and sexuality for many years now, and even though I maintain an active connection with my body, my sensuality and my genitals, at times I still struggle with sex. At times, I lose my libido and struggle to get aroused....

read more

Masturbation Month & Pleasure Focus

May is here which means different things for different people. But for sex therapists, it's the International Masturbation Month! What does it mean? It means that for the entire 31 days we encourage everybody to openly discuss self-touch, self-pleasure practices and...

read more

What’s Inside a Sex Therapist’s Naughty Drawer

What’s Inside a Sex Therapist’s Naughty Drawer

Have you ever wondered what’s inside a sex therapist’s naughty drawer?…

Every time I mention my naughty drawer to someone, I need to explain that it’s not a standard kind of a drawer. In fact, its contents are quite different from what a regular person would consider a normal or usual set of sex props. And it’s not because I’m a particularly kinky person – I love kink but I don’t engage in it very often. And yet, some of the toys I play with might surprise and confuse an innocent witness…

 

So, let’s take a look!

 

1. Jade egg

My Jade Egg is the oldest item in this collection. It’s been with me for about 5 years and I’m extremely fond of it. It’s been a tool of sexual healing and reclaiming a deep sensitivity inside of my vagina.

A lot can be done with a jade egg, including all sort of vaginal exercises but I really like to simply sleep with it. I insert it as I get to bed and allow it to do its magic while I sleep. As I move in my sleep, the egg is moving with me, massaging and caressing all the areas inside of my vaginal canal that benefit from a regular touch.

 

2. Rose quartz eggs

These three beauties are much newer and come in different sizes, allowing for different levels of pressure and weight inside of me.

 

3. Tachyon balls

If I understand well, Tachyon products do not come from Earth but are artificially made. These products are imbued with Tachyon energy which harmonises and neutralises harmful energies.

But apart from their vibrational qualities, they’re very yummy to play with!

I like to put them inside during a self-pleasuring session and squeeze my pelvic floor around them for extra delish sensations!

 

4. Rose quartz pleasure wand

Another one of my prized possessions! It can be used in a variety of ways to thrust, massage and stimulate the vaginal canal.

But it’s hard to get a good grip on the wand once it’s inside due to its shape and smoothness.

So instead of creating a lot of movement and sensation, I prefer to insert it all the way in so that’s touching my cervix. Once there, I bring a lot of awareness to my cervix and to the vaginal walls that are in contact with the wand. I can spend quite a considerable amount of time in complete stillness, enjoying the rippling, expansive pleasure emanating from my vagina.

Optionally, I can gently tap on the wand with my fingers to create extra sensations.

At times, I’ll also add external stimulation to create a blended orgasm.

 

5. Black obsidian pleasure wand

This wand is a little smaller than number 4. but it has a different energy to it. Black obsidian has a denser, more grounded energy and creates a different experience for Alice (that’s what I named my pussy).

 

6. Rechargeable vibrator

This little gem is pretty, small, handy and rechargeable. Easy to play with and even travel with!

I love how much pleasure it can give me but I usually don’t introduce it into my solo play until I’m well aroused and ready. It can take me into a climax within a few minutes so I’m careful with it and use it to tease myself for a while.

Word of caution: vibrators are great but can de-sensitize your intimate area. Make sure to only use it from time to time so that your precious pearl can receive plenty of gentler – hand stimulation as well!

 

7. Pleasure wand

This one is a serious mama-wand! It’s not only much bigger than number 6., it’s also much more powerful. It has about 30 different settings and a potential for a lot of fun.

But I NEVER use it on my genitals without a barrier of fabric – it’s way too powerful for nude Alice.

However, its strength and versatility make it perfect for other body parts…

Plus, if my rechargeable vibrator runs out of charge half-way through, I can always reach for the mama-wand!

 

8. Anal stimulator

There aren’t a lot of silicone items in my drawer but I got this nifty little toy because it vibrates. And according to Joseph Kramer, Ph.D., vibrations on the anus can induce trance-like state of bliss.

And oh boy, is he right!

 

I hope that this quick visit to my naughty drawer provided you with some insight and inspiration. Or at least a little chuckle… Let me know if it did and next time I might show you my kinky drawer!

 

And if you’re curious about using your self-pleasuring practice consciously to expand your erotic potential, have a look at the Masturbation Coaching online course. It’s an amazing resource that’ll show you how to infuse your self-touch practice with much more depth, pleasure and bliss!

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

How to Give a Perfect Blow Job

Would you like to know how to give your man a perfect blow job? How to blow his mind and take him to heights of pleasure he’s never experienced before with anybody else? Then read till the end because I have some powerful tips and techniques for you…   I fairly often...

read more

How to Orgasm During Sex

A lot of women come to me saying that they can’t orgasm during penetration. And in this article, I’m going to share with you exactly what I tell them!   So first of all, this topic is very close to my heart because for many years of my own sex life, I could NOT orgasm...

read more

10 Tips for a Mind-Blowing Prostate Massage

Are you curious how to give your man an exquisite prostate massage? Or are you a man who wants to know more about pleasurable stimulation of the anus – both externally and internally? A lot of my male clients ask me about the stimulation of the prostate  It seems that...

read more

You Are Not Failing at Relationships

You Are Not Failing at Relationships

I grew up in a family with very strict catholic values – you didn’t have sex before marriage and once married, you were supposed to stay together till death do you part. This ideal was strengthened by Disney movies and kids’ stories that always ended with a vision of a blissful couple living happily ever after – in a perfect harmony of a loving, compatible relationship. And yes, my parents are still together.

 

I, on the other hand, could be at this stage qualified as a spinster by their standards.

 

According to a quick internet search, a spinster is “a sour woman who is unable to find a husband”. But somehow, I don’t feel that this definition fits me. Or the other millions of people who remain uncoupled in the modern day. Because you see, a lot has changed in a space of just one generation…

 

Of course, a lot of single people want to be in a relationship.

 

And meeting other singles is now easier than ever with abundance of social websites, apps, meetups and events. Yet, the numbers of single people in the US and the rest of the world keep growing at an unprecedented rate. So, what’s going on here? Are we getting worse at relationships? Are we failing? Or is it something else entirely?

 

I feel very fortunate that during my life the old traditional ideas of social and family expectations about my marital status have been shifting. Yes, my mum would love to attend my wedding but more than that, she wants to see me being happy. And over the years, I’ve been with different men, in relationships that lasted between a few weeks and many years. And every single one of these relationships ended.

 

This means, that more than once I found myself in tears, heart-broken and asking: what went wrong? Why did this have to happen? And even: how come I failed again?

 

These days, I no longer see the end of a relationship as a failure.

 

And I don’t expect my relationships to last forever either. I now recognize that the idea of an everlasting love and harmony is a beautiful ideal… and a very unrealistic one.

 

Let me explain…

 

Relationships are hard work. They seem amazing at first – we fall in love, we go through the honeymoon phase and we feel like we’re on top of the world. But things can start changing as quickly as within a few months. I recently asked in a Facebook post what was the longest time people were blissfully happy with a new partner, before doubts, conflict and questions started to arise. And a common response was 3-6 months.

 

So, what happens beyond that 3-6 months mark? Well, life happens! We stop trying so hard and we begin to see the real person in each other. We start recognizing that we’re two different individuals, that we both have wounding and traumas, that we see the world differently and that our life together will be much more of a challenge than we initially assumed.

 

Even further down the line we experience accumulated resentment, boredom, routine, taking each other for granted and even nastiness. Things also change in the bedroom – the mutual desire reduces, the libido shifts and nights of hot passion are often replaced by sexual frustration and feelings of rejection.

 

Fortunately, it’s not all bad.

 

People in long-term relationships usually experience a great deal of companionship, loving touch, mutual trust, warmth and emotional support from each other. As they go through life’s challenges together, they deepen their bond and enjoy levels of intimacy and connection impossible for young couples.

 

In more or less subtle ways, partners also trigger each other’s old wounding and mirror each other’s insecurities. It’s very common that people fall in love for that very reason – that their wounding and emotional needs match each other. Unfortunately, we don’t fall for the person who is the best possible partner for us. We fall in love with the person who we’re subconsciously drawn to because of our inner wounds that need healing.

 

And in this way, our partner provides an excellent opportunity for us to heal, process old stuff and grow together. And this is the part that seems most fascinating and significant to me.

 

As a sex therapist, I’ve spoken to many couples that struggled together, despite deep love they felt for each other. And I know that staying in a long-term relationship often means that at different times you’ll feel like you’re being dragged through the mud – metaphorically speaking.

 

And this process of being dragged through the mud holds gems in it – if you’re able to spot them. Because you see, when your partner is triggering you, annoying you and frustrating the hell out of you, they’re giving you an incredible opportunity to recognize your stuff so that you can deal with it. You chose them as a partner so that they can mirror back to you whatever is still unhealed, unprocessed or unloved inside of you. They can’t help doing that. They will do it every time, in every single relationship.

 

And that’s exactly what I’ve been experiencing with every single one of my partners.

 

Every single one of these men showed me a part of me that was hurting, rejected by me or hiding deep underneath feelings of guilt and shame. By simply being themselves, they kept showing me my blind spots and gave me opportunities to grow as a human being.

 

So now, looking back at my life, I see just how much I’ve grown, healed and processed in every single one of my relationships. Every single one was precious, every single one was different, and I feel a lot of gratitude and appreciation for how my romantic life has unfolded.

 

Each relationship is perfect – whether it lasts a week or 50 years.

 

One partner can trigger a small aspect of your personal development, while another one will keep challenging different parts of you for years.

 

So, whenever I meet a Someone Special again, I’ll know that I’ve attracted the perfect person to support me in growing into a better, healthier version of myself while I’ll be doing the same thing for them. And I also know that I’ll emerge from each new relationship as a fuller expression of my true nature.

 

So no, I don’t need my relationships to last forever. And I will never fail in any one of them. I will simply embrace each new one as an opportunity and I’ll enjoy every moment of it (even the messy ones full of conflict and anxiety). Because that’s what relationships are – a journey. And I’m ready to buckle up again!

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

How Long Should Sex Last

I recently talked about how often you should be having sex. And today I want to discuss the ideal duration of a sexual intercourse. Do you wonder what’s normal or standard? How long do other people have sex for? And how you compare to that?   I feel like first of all...

read more

How to Maintain Passion in Relationships?

If you’ve been in a relationship before, you’ve probably noticed that with time, the spark and sizzle of a passionate connection reduces. Sometimes even disappears completely. So, what to do to keep that desire, passion and flame alive? Is it even possible? Keep...

read more

How Often Should You Have Sex

Have you ever wondered how often you should be having sex? What’s normal? What’s standard? What’s recommended by sex therapists? If you have, you’re not alone! I’ve heard that question from my clients many, many times over the years and in this article, I have some...

read more

Pin It on Pinterest