Why Women Choose Dickheads

Why Women Choose Dickheads

I’m often asked by guys why women say that they want a nice guy but then they put him in the friend-zone and go out with a “dickhead” instead. There is usually a lot of frustration behind that question because nice guys know how much value they’re capable of offering the woman – they’re caring, loving, helpful, giving and kind.

 

On the other hand, “dickheads” tend to be selfish, careless, inconsiderate or even violent. Yet, they’re the ones that usually go home with the girl. And once in a relationship, they treat the girl poorly. Which is something that nice guys observe with horror because they know that they would have treated her like a queen.

 

So, how to make sense of this?…

 

The truth is complicated. On one hand, women need to feel safe and loved by a guy. This then allows them to open up romantically and sexually to him. However, men that create this kind of safety for a woman, men who are kind and considerate, usually fail to turn that woman on.

 

And this is what bad boys usually do better – they’re typically much more connected to their masculinity, to their cocks and balls and to their sexuality. And that is what truly seduces women.

 

It’s like this – the stronger the polarity between two people, the stronger the attraction.

 

That means that masculine men are typically attracted to feminine women and feminine women to masculine men. And when a man is much more connected to his heart than to his cock, he’s in his feminine essence. In such a case, woman’s feminine essence is meeting his feminine essence and there’s no polarity. And after meeting him, she goes home and says to her friends: “He was really nice! But there was no connection there.”

 

The masculine and feminine essence is not about gender – it’s just energy. We all have both masculine and feminine energy within us. The trick is to cultivate the right balance of the two within yourself.

 

Generally speaking:

  • Masculine energy is direct, purposeful, it executes, it gets stuff done, it moves forward, it “penetrates”, it holds space, it’s grounded and creates a steady container for the feminine.
  • Feminine energy is moving and flowing in all directions, it’s soft and subtle, it’s sensual, it’s emotional, it’s very connected to the heart, it surrenders, it dances in life with joy and compassion.

 

A man who only has masculine energy in himself gets things done effectively and efficiently but is ruthless and disconnected.

A woman who only has feminine energy in herself is loving, caring and soft but chaotic and directionless.

 

This is why we need both.

 

So when you want to seduce a woman, you need to find the middle ground between the “nice guy” and the “dickhead”. You need to provide her with safety that she needs but also with that raw masculine energy that she craves.

 

When a man shows strong masculine qualities, this is usually very attractive to a woman because women don’t typically have a strong masculine energy and hence are attracted to this polar opposite.

 

Nice guys often don’t show strongly their masculine energy because it’s usually hidden under shame, guilt or fear. And so women don’t experience the attraction. Nice guys seem too soft, too feminine, and because of that there’s no polarity and not a lot of attraction there.

 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, macho guys just seem like a better alternative to many women – they seem much more exciting.

 

But please note two important points here:

 

1/ A man who has the right balance of masculine and feminine energy is a MUCH better option for a woman than BOTH a macho guy and a nice guy,

2/ A lot of women have fallen for the “dickhead”, got burnt and now see through the macho-guy layer. These women will tend to choose a nice guy over a macho guy so please don’t feel doomed!

 

When I was younger and much more naive, I used to fall for the strong, detached, masculine “macho” types. 

 

After a few relationships filled with conflict, frustration and tears, I learned my lesson and now I fall for men who are caring, loving and gentle.

I also love it when they have a healthy connection to their masculinity but their heart and kindness are much more important qualities to me than their porn-style personalities. And there are MANY women like this out there!

 

So if you’re struggling to create attraction in women, you need to cultivate your masculine essence.

 

If you’re not sure how to do that, please make sure to check out my What Women Want online course.

 

Here is a message to any guy who finds himself in the friend-zone too often:

Yes, you can drop into your masculinity! Yes, you can develop your masculine energy! And  yes, you can have a beautiful relationship! Yes – 100%!

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Do you have a high libido? A low one? Is your libido somewhere in between? Is it always the same? Does it keep changing? Does it depend on particular circumstances? If so, what is it influenced by? And can you even define your libido if someone asked you to?…

 

For most of my life, I was convinced I had no libido.

 

I never desired sex. In my 20s, I was curious about it but mostly because I wanted to know how different people “did it”. When single, my drive for sexual encounters was firmly based in my head – it was an intellectual desire to explore sexually, to learn more, to experience a variety of fun and pleasurable encounters in the bedroom.

 

But once in a relationship, there was nothing more to explore, sexual intimacy with a partner always felt the same and I had no more drive to do it. Worse still – because I was very repressed sexually, I didn’t actually know how to derive any significant pleasure from it for myself and would have sex only to satisfy my partner. After all, people in relationships were meant to have intercourse, right?

 

When I discovered Tantra and began to heal my sexuality, things started to shift.

 

I started to experience sex as orgasmic and amazing and I started to want it. Yet, I could go on for months without it, never having the quality of my life diminished by lack of sex. When I did desire it, it was mostly in the context of meeting someone special and sharing hot and passionate moments together. So it seems that the sex drive itself wasn’t really just about sex – it was a desire for connection and shared intimacy with someone.

 

We’ve learned to understand libido as a sexual drive, as a biological need that demands to be satisfied.

 

Yet, judging from my own experience and from everything I’ve heard from my clients, this definition seems inaccurate.

 

A lot of couples that come to me for sessions talk about mismatched sex drives and frustrations born from it. And I teach them to navigate this tricky territory and to consciously and purposefully create erotic connection and intimacy in their relationship. And I do not change their biology! I simply support them in shifting toxic beliefs, unhealthy ideas or healing wounds in their relationship and eroticism.

 

People who claim to have high libido, might experience its drop when they’re overwhelmed by stress or fatigue. People who claim to have low libido, can desire sex with every inch of their bodies at particular times of their lives.

 

Besides, do we even know what exactly a high or low libido is?

 

Or do we tend to define it in comparison to others, as in – one partner in a relationship has a higher libido than the other one, or a person who used to have a lower libido than they do now…

 

On top of that, our beliefs and ideas around morality, pleasure, our bodies and genitals affect how we experience libido. Sexuality is a universal aspect of who we are as human beings, yet it’s treated very differently in different parts of the world. This results in very different approaches to sex and sexual drive.

 

People all over the world experience wanting sex for a variety of reasons…

 

… for connection, for loving expression, for touch, for pleasure, for orgasms, for power, for money, for procreation, for entertainment, etc.

 

So, if libido can be affected by where you were born, what beliefs you grew up with, how stressed or tired you’re currently feeling, the state of your health, the state of your relationship, etc. plus by a wide variety of reasons that drive your desire for sex in the first place, is it really fair to call it a biological drive?

 

Yes, a part of it is biological and driven by our hormones. But to leave it there seems incorrect. It seems to me that it’s more of a complex network of needs, desires, conditioning and other types of motivators that come together to form this thing we call libido.

 

It’s not just something we experience – libido is something we’re actively co-creating with our bodies, emotions and minds.

 

And only when coming from this perspective, we can begin to understand what a sex drive really is, what affects it and how we can influence it.

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Every time I mention my naughty drawer to someone, I need to explain that it’s not a standard kind of a drawer. In fact, its contents are quite different from what a regular person would consider a normal or usual set of sex props. And it’s not because I’m a particularly kinky person – I love kink but I don’t engage in it very often. And yet, some of the toys I play with might surprise and confuse an innocent witness…

 

So, let’s take a look!

 

1. Jade egg

My Jade Egg is the oldest item in this collection. It’s been with me for about 5 years and I’m extremely fond of it. It’s been a tool of sexual healing and reclaiming a deep sensitivity inside of my vagina.

A lot can be done with a jade egg, including all sort of vaginal exercises but I really like to simply sleep with it. I insert it as I get to bed and allow it to do its magic while I sleep. As I move in my sleep, the egg is moving with me, massaging and caressing all the areas inside of my vaginal canal that benefit from a regular touch.

 

2. Rose quartz eggs

These three beauties are much newer and come in different sizes, allowing for different levels of pressure and weight inside of me.

 

3. Tachyon balls

If I understand well, Tachyon products do not come from Earth but are artificially made. These products are imbued with Tachyon energy which harmonises and neutralises harmful energies.

But apart from their vibrational qualities, they’re very yummy to play with!

I like to put them inside during a self-pleasuring session and squeeze my pelvic floor around them for extra delish sensations!

 

4. Rose quartz pleasure wand

Another one of my prized possessions! It can be used in a variety of ways to thrust, massage and stimulate the vaginal canal.

But it’s hard to get a good grip on the wand once it’s inside due to its shape and smoothness.

So instead of creating a lot of movement and sensation, I prefer to insert it all the way in so that’s touching my cervix. Once there, I bring a lot of awareness to my cervix and to the vaginal walls that are in contact with the wand. I can spend quite a considerable amount of time in complete stillness, enjoying the rippling, expansive pleasure emanating from my vagina.

Optionally, I can gently tap on the wand with my fingers to create extra sensations.

At times, I’ll also add external stimulation to create a blended orgasm.

 

5. Black obsidian pleasure wand

This wand is a little smaller than number 4. but it has a different energy to it. Black obsidian has a denser, more grounded energy and creates a different experience for Alice (that’s what I named my pussy).

 

6. Rechargeable vibrator

This little gem is pretty, small, handy and rechargeable. Easy to play with and even travel with!

I love how much pleasure it can give me but I usually don’t introduce it into my solo play until I’m well aroused and ready. It can take me into a climax within a few minutes so I’m careful with it and use it to tease myself for a while.

Word of caution: vibrators are great but can de-sensitize your intimate area. Make sure to only use it from time to time so that your precious pearl can receive plenty of gentler – hand stimulation as well!

 

7. Pleasure wand

This one is a serious mama-wand! It’s not only much bigger than number 6., it’s also much more powerful. It has about 30 different settings and a potential for a lot of fun.

But I NEVER use it on my genitals without a barrier of fabric – it’s way too powerful for nude Alice.

However, its strength and versatility make it perfect for other body parts…

Plus, if my rechargeable vibrator runs out of charge half-way through, I can always reach for the mama-wand!

 

8. Anal stimulator

There aren’t a lot of silicone items in my drawer but I got this nifty little toy because it vibrates. And according to Joseph Kramer, Ph.D., vibrations on the anus can induce trance-like state of bliss.

And oh boy, is he right!

 

I hope that this quick visit to my naughty drawer provided you with some insight and inspiration. Or at least a little chuckle… Let me know if it did and next time I might show you my kinky drawer!

 

And if you’re curious about using your self-pleasuring practice consciously to expand your erotic potential, have a look at the Masturbation Coaching online course. It’s an amazing resource that’ll show you how to infuse your self-touch practice with much more depth, pleasure and bliss!

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