I recently talked about how often you should be having sex. And today I want to discuss the ideal duration of a sexual intercourse. Do you wonder what’s normal or standard? How long do other people have sex for? And how you compare to that? I feel like first of...
A lot of people struggle with the question: “Why does the flame of passion reduce the longer we’re together?” Despite our best efforts, it seems that nobody manages to escape the lowering libido and the reduced frequency of sexual encounters with their partner.
We all cherish the ‘honeymoon period’ with its high intensity of desire for each other and for intimacy. And then, once the normal reality sets back in, we often feel disappointed and confused. Not so long ago we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other! And now we’ll gladly exchange sex and lingerie for pizza and Netflix. Or worse still, for an evening apart from each other, to escape the company of our lover.
So what is really going on there? Why is this phenomenon so common? And is there anything that we can do to avoid it?
Well, there is an explanation. And it’s linked to the fact that our emotional state is a crucial component of our arousal. The more frustration and resentment we experience towards our partner, the more we’ll struggle with becoming turned on and passionate in the bedroom.
There is also a simple practice that can save us from digging ourselves into a dark hole of resentment. That resentment can actually build an emotional wall separating the partners and then lead to a sexless marriage. Please watch the video and use the practice at home as well. Learning about it is just the first step, doing it is what will create a real change.
Try this practice with your beloved as soon as you can. You’ll be surprised to find out what each of you is still holding onto emotionally.
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A lot of people ask me why intimacy and sex life changes or reduces over the course of the relationship. This is a very valid question as a lot of people can relate to the libido lowering and the frequency of sex diminishing. For a lot of couples the love goes through a transformation the longer they’re together and in many cases – people break up once the honeymoon period is over. What they don’t understand or recognize is that they can heal the relationship and experience intimacy and love which is deeper and more meaningful than before. In this video, I’ll share with you how to do that!
When I first came across this practice, I knew I had to try it for myself. My relationship was happy, loving and peaceful but I knew that I was holding back in our sex life. I was aware that I felt a certain level of resentment for things that had happened in the past and that I didn’t obtain a full resolution around.
So I asked my partner to help me heal the resentment, and he did that. And then I asked whether he wanted me to help him heal anything as well. It turned out that he also had some things that still hurt a bit or felt unresolved between us. So we did this practice on each other. And all up it took about 10 mins. But our lovemaking that followed that night, was absolutely mind-blowing! It seemed that the resentment we were holding deep inside was stopping us from fully surrendering to the act of sex and from fully melting into each other during sex.
This process is very simple. Sit down together with your partner and ask what they need resolution around, if they feel resentment around something you did, you didn’t do or did in a way that hurt or frustrated them. Hear them out and really pay attention to the words that they use – this is crucial because next you’re going to heal them, using their words!
If they say “You hurt my feelings when you did this and this”, you’re going to say “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings”. If they say “You made me feel rejected and abandoned when you…”, you’re going to say “I’m sorry I made you feel rejected and abandoned”. They’ll most likely use a few different expressions, and it’ll be best if you use them all in your healing apology. This might sound like this: “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I’m sorry I made you feel bad. I’m sorry that I left you behind and made you feel unseen, etc.”
You need to say these words with absolute sincerity. The words you’re saying are not a reflection on you, they’re not about admitting that you’re guilty, not at all! You most likely had no idea that you were hurting your partner. But they got hurt regardless. And your apology acknowledges their hurt and their experience. It also helps them shift their hurt and their resentment about that particular experience so that your love can return to being more pure and free from hurt feelings.
Because you see, intimacy and love die in most cases because we carry an ever-growing load of resentment. And that resentment eventually becomes so vast and heavy that the love dies crushed underneath. But if you can help each other heal and shift that resentment, your love will be nourished and will be able to grow and deepen organically.
Please give this practice a go and let me know in the comments below whether there is or has been in your life a love relationship that could be healed this way.
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Have you ever wondered how often you should be having sex? What’s normal? What’s standard? What’s recommended by sex therapists? If you have, you’re not alone! I’ve heard that question from my clients many, many times over the years and in this article, I have some...