Can You Tell Your Partner What You Desire?

Can You Tell Your Partner What You Desire?

Why is authentic communication so hard?

Authentic self-expression and open communication have always been somewhat of a challenge to me. My early upbringing in a very traditional family, negatively impacted my confidence levels and taught me that pleasing others was more important than pleasing myself. I was also learning that other people were smarter than me and that their opinions were more valuable than mine. When you soak up this kind of conditioning from such young age, it will give you a lot of heavy baggage to carry and will cause a lot of troubles later on in life, particularly in relationships.

 

I mention this because a lot of people are affected by this in our society. A lot of women tend to be pleasers in relationships and, particularly in its early stages, are ready to give up their own hobbies, opinions and lifestyle in order to be more like their partner. Usually, this is actually not too attractive to the man who would rather discover her real passion, uniqueness and depth. To be fair, women also have biology against them. From our early history thousands of years ago, women needed to secure a strong, reliable man who would stand at the entrance of the cave, fighting away tigers and other predators, while the woman was caring for the babies. Modern woman still can often follow that subconscious pattern and give up on her own personality or identity in order to be more like him.

 

Our wounded inner child

But this is not the only reason why we struggle to communicate well in relationships. On top of genetic, biological and social conditioning, we all are also deeply affected by our previous wounding – from early childhood all the way up to the present moment. Our early hurts and traumas are particularly difficult to heal or overcome because as children we rarely have any defences or ways to protect ourselves and the pain sinks in really deep. These hurts start to create a pattern in our nervous system that influences the way we see the world, how we respond to other people and how we form relationships. A lot of things we don’t understand about falling in love is a result of these early experiences – why do I always fall in love with this kind of people? why am I repulsed by this kind of touch? why do I struggle to give my partner what they need?

 

From a very young age, I was mostly raised by my mum as my dad was often absent physically and pretty much always – emotionally. I kept hoping for his love and approval but he kept rejecting me so I spent my 20s subconsciously seeking out older men and trying to make them love me, in order to heal a deep wound of fatherly rejection. I kept repeating this unconscious pattern until I recognized my inner wounding and started the process of healing.

 

Do good girls have sex?

This kind of experiences, hurts and toxic patterns can cause women to slowly disconnect from their desires, authentic passion and their sensuality. That’s exactly what happened to me early in my life! Women live their lives according to a socially accepted norm and take on a role of a girlfriend, wife or a mother, together with all the beliefs and rules that are imposed on them from early age. Typically, women believe that “good girls don’t have sex” and that sexual lust and desire is somewhat dirty and belongs in the world of men.

 

It wasn’t until I started to question all these beliefs and to address the wounds, that my healing journey started. I studied Tantra, shamanism, sexology, therapy, yoga, breath-work and a wealth of other modalities. I created a powerful tantric practice that led me to a place of connection, embodiment and of reclaiming my body as beautiful, sensual and juicy. I discovered layers of deliciousness inside of myself and finally turned my inner light back on!

 

Entering a path of healing and transformation

Now, I’m passionate about sharing what I’ve learned with the world and about supporting women to learn, heal and transform their sex lives. I have collected all my best practices and juicy tools and put them together into an Orgasmic Empowerment course which is now available online to any lady looking to step into more fullness in her sexuality, femininity and in her life.

 

As women, we are naturally tantric and can experience many different types of orgasms including vaginal, G-spot, squirting, cervical, energetic, heart orgasms and many more. We can all restore and reawaken our true pleasure potential and become truly empowered, in the bedroom and outside of it.

 

Orgasmic Empowerment isn’t just a course, it’s a journey from wherever you are sexually right now into a place of sensual richness, blissful connection, ecstatic pleasure and much more. And I couldn’t be more excited to share it with the world!

 

You can find out more details about the course here: Orgasmic Empowerment online.

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Does Our Culture Sexually Empower Women

Does Our Culture Sexually Empower Women

As a sexual educator, I speak to men and women from all sorts of backgrounds, ages, social status, and beliefs. And I get a very real, honest and close look at what’s happening in people’s bedrooms and people’s minds. My clients talk to me about their sexuality, about something they rarely talk to anybody else about… if ever.

And I keep seeing an age-old struggle between men, who crave and desire a sexual expression as a natural and healthy aspect of their relationships, and women who usually have a hard time reconciling sex with everything else they’ve learned over the years about who they’re meant to be as women, wives and mothers.

In the age of revealing dresses and Beyonce fans, we might think that women have completely overcome the patriarchal influences and that the feminist movement has finally brought us to a place of sexual liberation and freedom from shame, guilt or embarrassment about sex. But that’s not really the case for a huge majority of people out there in the world. When I entered the field of Tantra, my outlook on pleasure, sexuality, and my own life changed dramatically. And since then I’ve been doing my best to change the lives of my clients and whoever else will listen.

An average woman is NOT sexually empowered. She rarely knows that the only goal of sex ISN’T man’s satisfaction. She most likely has never heard before that she can ask for what SHE wants in bed and that her satisfaction is as important as his. Yes, this situation is slowly changing and thank god for that! But an average woman still quietly puts up with premature penetration and discomfort during sex, while he’s mechanically pounding her cervix in her dry, unaroused vagina.

ACCORDING TO A STUDY, ABOUT 75% OF MEN ALWAYS REACH ORGASM DURING INTERCOURSE, WHILE ONLY ABOUT 25% OF WOMEN CAN SAY THE SAME.

And orgasm is definitely not the only way to determine a satisfactory love-making but imagine a scenario: a man is penetrating a woman. She orgasms, rolls over and falls asleep, leaving him frustrated and unsatisfied. HOW OFTEN HAS THIS BEEN YOUR EXPERIENCE?

I’m guessing that in your experience this has happened very little or never. However, the reverse situation is extremely common in majority of bedrooms across the world. And women accept this as a normal standard.

How often do men get slut shamed? At one point in my life, I went out with a man in a tantric community who slut shamed me for sleeping with him on a first date. As he did that, my heart painfully dropped, filling me with guilt and shame. However, he slept with me on our first date too, yet, I was the one getting slut shamed. Why? Because he was sexually entitled and I was not. And what I mean by entitlement is this: men often feel entitled to receive their pleasure, satisfaction and orgasm during sex but for women, it’s usually not as appropriate or expected.

The majority of young people today learn about sex from porn and bring that example into their bedrooms. Young girls learn that they have to give blow jobs in order to be accepted in their peer groups. They end up in hospitals with bleeding anuses because they feel they need to oblige their boyfriends to satisfy what they feel like they’re entitled to from seeing it in porn.

I think that boys get this impression early that they can take whatever they want sexually. Whereas girls pick up that their role is to please the man, not to have what they themselves want.

This blog is not a comparison who has it better or a blaming finger pointed at men. It’s a simple observation of what the broader society is showing me and I’m bringing attention to what still needs to change before we can talk about any form of sexual equality in our society.

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How to Satisfy a Woman

How to Satisfy a Woman

“IT TAKES 1,000 LOVING THRUSTS TO SATISFY A WOMAN”
– Mantak Chia

Years ago I would look at this sentence and think that the author was delusional. I mean who could have sex for this long?? My lovers up to that point made love to me for an average of 10 minutes – including foreplay. Often less than that. How many thrusts is that? Maybe 200?… But it was hard and fast and for me, painful.

And the ‘loving’ bit – what made a thrust loving? How could you tell? From my perspective there was nothing loving about the thrusts I was receiving. I was allowing my lover to use my body for his pleasure while I would sort of check out and wait for him to finish.

It all changed when I entered the world of Tantra and started studying the techniques of tantric lovers. Exploring sacred sexuality, using breath and awareness for more pleasure, opening up my body and my sensuality has been truly beautiful. But being with tantric men rocked my world in more ways than one!

Sex became an immersive experience full of passion, pleasure and connection. I discovered new levels of bliss and orgasmic ecstasy. And I couldn’t check out anymore because my partner’s focus and gaze was keeping me present and alive in bed.

For the first time ever I started to experience his penis as present and healing. And his thrusts as pleasurable and loving! … particularly as he kept building my arousal over a long period of time and using many, many thrusts… Yes, MANY more than 200! AND they were way slower than the ‘hard and fast’ guys.

This is something that I go into in greater detail in my Tantric Mastery for Men online course.

They say that women crave GREAT sex even more than men do. The thing is, most women aren’t getting great sex. So for the men out there, practice conscious loving thrusts and so give the women you’re with a truly amazing experience!

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