How Can Men Ask for What They Need

How Can Men Ask for What They Need

This morning I spoke to a client who complained of lack of emotional connection and fulfilment in his marriage.
His wife said “I love you” but he didn’t feel her love.

After a bit of asking and probing, I realized that he and his wife spoke different love languages.
She was expressing her love verbally but he needed her to express it through touch.

(If you’re not familiar with 5 love languages, definitely read the book “5 Love Languages”, it will explain a lot and save you a lot of frustration in your relationship!)

Apart from the value of recognizing and using each other’s love languages, what became apparent in our session were his many misunderstandings and misconceptions about human nature.

He said to me:
“Surely, there must be something wrong with whoever doesn’t express their love through touch!”
I laughed and explained that human nature is very complex and that we’re all very different.
We tend to perceive others through the lens of our own experience but it almost never serves us and we need to enquire with curiosity about others’ needs and wants instead of assuming they would want the same things that we do.

I also explained that he absolutely needed to tell his wife how he needed her to express her love so that she could properly “fill up his love bucket”.
She was giving him love in a way that she wanted to receive it.
But in case of most couples, the partners speak different love languages and need to communicate about their emotional needs in order to get them satisfied.

He blurted out:
“I could never ask her for something like that! She would think that I was weak!”

I knew that I was about to change his life!
I said to him:
“You not only need to tell her that you need touch, you also need to explain to her exactly how to touch you.
You need to say:
Darling, I’d really love you to hold me right now… or I’d like you to hold my hand… or I would love a massage tonight… or could you please hold my face and stroke my hair? etc.”

Asking for things can be scary.
It takes balls to be vulnerable, particularly in front of someone we care about.
We want our partners to see us as smart, handsome, brave, courageous and strong.
But vulnerability is not only needed in a relationship, it’s essential!
We’ll never be able to reach depth of love and connection if we’re unable to show our partners: “this is who I really am! sometimes I’m strong and sometimes I’m weak; sometimes I’m sad and sometimes I need you to hold me; sometimes I can conquer the world and sometimes I want to cry.”

THERE’S NO WAY OF BUILDING TRUE INTIMACY IF WE CANNOT SHOW OUR PARTNER OUR TRUE FACE AND ASK FOR WHAT WE NEED!

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3 Ways to Have More Embodied Sex

3 Ways to Have More Embodied Sex

We all struggle sometimes…

Even though I’ve been actively studying Tantra and sexuality for many years now, and even though I maintain an active connection with my body, my sensuality and my genitals, at times I still struggle with sex.

At times, I lose my libido and struggle to get aroused.

Sometimes I don’t like my body and don’t feel sexy in my skin.

And occasionally I don’t even want to be touched by my partner.

 

When this happens, I do two things.

Firstly, I honour my body and accept the fact that my organism is an ever changing, flowing system that will not consistently perform in the same way.

And secondly, I deepen my embodiment practice.

 

Why does it happen?

A loss of desire, arousal and libido can have a variety of causes.

But usually, they’re strongly linked to our mindset and to the level of embodiment we’re experiencing in our bodies.

When my libido disappears and when I don’t feel like connecting sexually with my partner, it usually means that I’m stuck in my head and that I allow my mind to override my physical experience.

 

My mind keeps whispering to me:

“I’m too busy for this, I’m too tired, I don’t have the time, I just want to relax, I really need to be productive now and get stuff done…”

Women, if you know this voice, raise your hands!

 

What to do

When I make love despite this voice, sex becomes less pleasurable and I struggle to orgasm.

So when I start to hear this voice, I know it’s time for some serious embodiment practice and for a renewed sensual connection with myself.

There are 3 ways that allow me to create a much more embodied, pleasurable and deeply satisfying sexual experience, even when my head is trying to get in the way:

 

1/ Body scan

Feeling your own body is a very simple concept, yet such a challenge at the same time!

We’re not used to paying a lot of attention to our physical experience, until the body demands some care by creating pain.

We’re used to prioritizing the thinking mind over the feeling body and this gets us into trouble because both are valid and important.

So I like to sit down, close my eyes and deepen my breath.

They say that the more you breathe, the more you feel and it’s true.

As I pay attention to my toes, feet, ankles, legs, etc., I slowly and surely immerse myself completely in my physical sensations.

And it feels like bliss!

 

2/ Genital breathing

A lot of sexual issues and difficulties come down to a disconnect from our genitals.

From a young age, we learn that the genitals are dirty, smelly or shameful.

Most of the time, we ignore the ‘down there’ area and we slowly lose sensitivity between our legs.

Bringing the breath into a body part helps us re-connect with it and feel more aliveness and sensation.

Imagine that your genitals are your lungs and visualize your inhale flowing all the way down there.

Allow your genitals to relax, feel an expansion, relaxation and opening.

Then simply relax on the exhale.

Five minutes of genital breathing a day will make wonders for the sensitivity of your intimate region!

 

3/ Placement of awareness

While making love, we can sometimes experience pain or discomfort in our genitals.

I find that placing our awareness in there during sex and making sure to keep the area relaxed and open, is a very helpful way to reduce the discomfort and intensify pleasure.

Whatever we place our attention on, grows and expands.

Whatever we withdraw our attention from, contracts and becomes numb.

When I make love, I pay a close attention to my entire body.

But during penetration, a big portion of my awareness goes to my genitals.

This little trick allowed me to grow my pleasure potential many times!

 

Having more embodied sex means having more pleasure, feeling more connected to one’s body and to their partner.

It also means healing past wounding, shame and conditioning placed upon us by the society and religion.

Great sex can heal a lot of frustration in our relationships.

Embodied sex can heal, empower and free us from what is holding us back in the bedroom!

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Why is Our Society So Scared of Sex?

Why is Our Society So Scared of Sex?

When I was growing up as a little girl, I was taught that sex led to babies and that people had it when they wanted to be parents. I was given a little book with images showing two people holding hands and smiling at each other. Next the story took me to images of the internal structure of female genitalia and then the final part – the woman holding a new-born in a hospital bed while the husband visited.

It was still a mystery to me how the baby was actually created or how it was supposed to get out of mummy’s belly. The idea of being naked with a man sounded scary and I had no clue why two people would do such a thing. Sensual pleasure, female orgasms or intensity of arousal and intimate desire were not concepts that I had ever heard of.

Sexual education

‘Sex for procreation only’ is an idea that is harmful and limiting for both men and women. Sex that is ‘risky and scary’ is another damaging concept. We feed teenagers ideas about avoiding unwanted pregnancies and STIs and we forget (or don’t want to admit) that sex is much more than that.

The concept that children and teenagers are sexual beings confuses us and we try to keep the kids away from the eroticism of their bodies for as long as we can. But what we’re really doing is extremely wounding to them.

Girls who grow up with these ideas experience shame and embarrassment around sex and pleasure. They are inhibited in bed and struggle to embrace their pleasure or to orgasm. They are taught from young age to keep their legs closed and to not touch themselves. They learn that by having sex, they are losing something, giving something precious away and that they stop being pure. As they carry these ideas into their adult lives and into their marriages, this keeps creating very unhealthy, toxic or unfulfilling relationships. A lot of long-term relationships these days are sexless and a lot of men I coach in my programs keep asking: “Why doesn’t my wife want to have sex anymore?”.

Sexual frustration

Most of couples these days experience frustration, boredom or conflict in their sex lives. One of the men who graduated my Tantric Mastery program admitted: “I have just learnt in one session more about sexuality than I have in my entire life! Thank you!”. This illustrates pretty well the state of sexual awareness in our society.

It’s a real shame that parents don’t teach their kids about the value of pleasure, loving connection and joy that can be experienced in bed together – whether you’re with a spouse of 50 years or a casual friend with benefits.

My early sexual experiences

When I started having sex myself, I had no idea what to do or expect. The actual experience was painful, uncomfortable and disconnected. The tragedy of that was the fact that I had no models of sexuality to aspire to. I was unable to create a different form of intimacy because I didn’t know that there were other options. This led to years of discomfort and dissatisfaction in the bedroom.

Conscious sexuality

Years later, I now teach both men and women to embrace their sexuality intentionally and to create sexual experiences they truly crave and desire. I also teach them how to maintain that deep passion and rich sexual connection for years, not only during the ‘honeymoon period’.

I also live that idea in my own relationship. Me and my partner connect intimately at least once a day and we bring a lot of awareness, Tantra, kink and fun into our bedroom. We constantly look for ways to give each other more pleasure and to enhance and vary our sexual experiences. We use tantric rituals, breathwork and sex magic but also bondage, role play and spanking among many other things. What we do won’t necessarily work for every single couple but the key here is keeping an open mind and embracing sex as a natural, healthy and beautiful aspect of our lives.

What is your experience of sex?

Sex is not shameful or wrong. It’s amazing and magical. Sex is one of the most wonderful ways to express romantic love between partners. Why are we still so scared of it?

Getting proper sexual education and creating our sex lives intentionally, by design, is a much better option than stumbling in the dark while hoping for the best! So if you feel like your sex life needs some help, look for a Tantra workshop, a book or a sex coach. You can also reach out to me or anybody else that you resonate with.

It’s time our modern society finally embraced sex as a natural and very beautiful part of our lives.

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