How Often You Should Have Sex With Your Partner

How Often You Should Have Sex With Your Partner

You might have started off at 2-3 times a day but after a few years you connect 2-3 times a week tops.
Sometimes less.
It’s even possible to go for a few weeks/months without sex.
So how often is enough and when should you start to worry?
While there definitely are many benefits to having sex often (most days if not everyday), the only real guideline here is – as often as both partners need, in order to feel connected and satisfied sexually. Every person is different and our sexual needs vary greatly. What is enough for one couple might be way too little for another. We need to take these differences into account and negotiate the most fulfilling sexual schedule with our partner.
It’s worth bearing in mind that our levels of libido can be affected by many different factors: stress, fatigue, diet, health problems, emotional issues and the arguments between partners. But we also need to understand that in monogamous relationships, we become responsible for our partner’s sexual needs and we need to cater for them even if we don’t always feel like it. This doesn’t mean that we need to be ready for sex always and everywhere, but it does mean that continuously making excuses and refusing sex will create a serious issue in the relationship.
People who find themselves in sexless marriages or frustrated sexually tend to stray because their needs are not met by the spouse. On a long-term basis, this frustration will create deep resentment and a sense of loneliness and disconnection.
Connecting intimately on a regular basis (at least once a week) will nurture that special bond that romantic partners share. It also keeps us healthy and happy as sex provides a rich playground for pleasure, fun and excitement. The body and the brain create a flood of hormones and physical processes during sex and orgasm, which lead to deeper love, blissful relaxation and a sense of connection and intimacy in the relationship.
Making time for sex in our busy lives works exactly the same way as making time for anything else – whatever we prioritise, we find time for. With time, sex becomes less of a priority for us so it’s pushed behind all other tasks. So we make sure to work, to shop, to cook, to clean and to visit the relatives. And after everything is done, they maybe, at the end of the day, if we’re not too tired, we might find time for sex. This approach is flawed and leads to sexual frustration or to sexless marriages. If you struggle with this, schedule sex into your calendar, even if you fear that this might kill the spontaneity. I find that it’s always better to schedule sex and then create a beautiful, intimate experience, than to go without sex for a long time and experience more and more bitterness.
Sex doesn’t always need to happen in the evening either, for many couples mornings work better, or even right after lunch.
Our society watches hours of TV every day. Turn the TV off and lead your partner to the bedroom. Alternatively, have sex right there on the couch if you can!
So how often do you want to have sex??


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Treatment for Premature Ejaculation

Treatment for Premature Ejaculation

When does premature ejaculation happen?

In my practice, I see men, women and couples coming to me about a variety of sex and intimacy related issues – sexual boredom and frustration, painful sex, lack of libido and erectile difficulties among many others. However, there is one complaint that I hear more often than anything else and that’s premature ejaculation. Also called ‘rapid ejaculation’ or ‘early ejaculation’, it’s an experience where a man orgasms and releases semen soon after the moment of penetration. In the medical society, the opinions vary in relation to how long is ‘soon’ and some experts place the cut-off point at 2 minutes, others at 1 minute and others still – at 15 seconds. My education and practices I use are based in Tantra which is why I support a different view of this issue. According to the tantric circles, premature ejaculation happens when the man ejaculates before either one of the partners is ready.

Is it a problem?

This issue is not straightforward and a lot depends on the personal experience of the couple. If he ejaculates within 2 minutes and both are satisfied with the experience, there is no problem. Unfortunately, that’s rarely the case as many men suffering from early ejaculation report low levels of sexual satisfaction and pleasure. Huge majority of them want to be able to last longer and hence popularity of different pills and products available on the market, that make promising claims. The partners of premature ejaculators are usually much more understanding and tolerant of this issue than men, however, women also can report significant frustration when intercourse is cut short.

Causes of premature ejaculation

There are many possible causes of PE so it’s always best to speak to a professional to pinpoint what is happening in your particular case. Most commonly, bad masturbation habits can condition the body for a quick release. Many men first learn to self-pleasure when they’re teenagers and they form a habit of touching themselves in a very quick, efficient way, in order to avoid getting caught. As they continue masturbating exactly the same way for many years, their nervous system becomes wired in a way that leads to a quick release and they lose control over their arousal.

What about porn?

Among other causes there is also porn watching. Porn is a great source of sexual stimulation and can lead to high levels of arousal. When overstimulated, the men become highly excited very quickly, leading them to a premature climax. When this process is repeated often, the body adopts it and performs the same way each time, whether the man wants to release quickly or not.

The role of society

For others, the society and its conditioning is to blame. We live in a culture that represses sexuality and sexual desires. We grow up feeling that sex is somehow bad or sinful, that nudity is wrong and that our genitals are dirty and smelly. We all want to be good, proper human beings so we develop a conflict between our ethics or religious beliefs and the desires of our bodies. This can lead to deep levels of shame and guilt that we carry around into our daily lives and into our bedrooms. This can further lead to a disconnection between the head and the body and we find ourselves distracted during sex, stuck in the head and absent from the body. It’s extremely difficult to control one’s arousal when the attention wanders and we’re detached from our physical experience.

Who is usually affected?

In my experience, early ejaculation can affect men of all ages, backgrounds and occupations. However, the good news is that anybody can reverse this conditioning and create an ability to last as long as they want in bed. And this is very significant because the issue is very wide-spread and affects significantly the confidence, wellbeing and romantic lives of the sufferers. I have worked with men who have come to me in a state of depression, self-conscious and unable to approach women out of fear or embarrassment. That fear is very telling about how we perceive masculinity and the pressure we put on men to perform in bed. We expect men to be great lover and to satisfy their partners, however, the society gives them no tools or education to create mind-blowing, long-lasting sex in the bedroom. Some men give up on relationships, unable to deal with shame and embarrassment. Others keep trying, using different products or techniques that promise results. But none of these techniques are perfect and some can come with significant side effects.

Short-term solutions

Pills like viagra used in a long-term will create health problems or extreme states of fatigue. Numbing creams will reduce sensation, cutting off the pleasure both for you AND for her, as the cream from the penis will be transferred into the vagina during intercourse. Thinking about knitting and grandma during sex can help in a short-term, however, you’ll be missing the whole point of sex – intimacy and connection – and your partner will pick up on it. Some men choose to ejaculate before sex and that will usually allow them to last longer the second time. But most men report that the second time is never as pleasurable as the first one and that they’re basically hammering away, without much sensitivity, tenderness or passion. Others still, create extreme muscle tension in their bodies right before the orgasm, in order to stop the ejaculatory response. This will help in some cases but the experience will be each time very challenging and frustrating for both partners.
None of these techniques or products create a long-term solutions. They need to be applied each time, not solving the problem, simply masking it.

There’s a better way

Fortunately, there is another way to combat premature ejaculation, a much more healthy and natural alternative. It brings no side-effects and keeps both partners connected, loving and deeply satisfied. It can be used in any position, with any partner and can create an experience of love-making that lasts a long time and is full of connection, pleasure and bliss. Men who apply tantric practices develop mastery over their erections and arousal, stay deeply mindful of their bodies and enjoy pleasure beyond anything that they’ve experienced before. At the most basic level, these practices involve a conscious use of relaxation, breath and presence.

1/ Relaxation

When we’re relaxed, our sexual energy and arousal can flow freely through the entire body instead of remaining stuck in the genital area. Pretty much all men learn early to tense up the muscles in their bodies as they become aroused and that tension is exactly what triggers the ejaculatory response. When the arousal is stuck in the genitals, held there by muscle tension, it cannot move and soon the pressure becomes too much for the body to hold. As the erotic charge is released, we reach an orgasmic climax and lose all arousal and sexual energy.

2/ Breath

Men often constrict or hold their breath as they become aroused, which is another way to keep the erotic energy localised in one spot, in the pelvis. This is why tantric men use deep, abdominal breathing to pull their sexual charge out of their genitals and up through their entire bodies. As the arousal is carried by the breath through the entire system, it’s much easier to last longer as the body doesn’t struggle to keep a significant amount of pressure in one spot.

3/ Presence

Most men ejaculate early because they’re not aware of how aroused they are. With our minds constantly racing, it’s challenging to remain mindful and aware of the sensations in the body. But when a man is deeply conscious and connected to his body, he will properly read the signals that his body is sending him and he’ll develop not only a better degree of control in bed but also a deeper sensitivity and an ability to feel much more pleasure.

Is this for you?

As with anything in life, using shortcuts usually doesn’t get us far and we all need to do the real work in order to see real results. Working with relaxation, breath and presence in a consistent way, during masturbation and partner sex, will rewire the nervous system and teach the body to remain in the state of arousal for much longer. This will create a beautiful, effortless experience of love-making, full of not only control and pleasure but also connection and deep intimacy. And that’s exactly why Tantra has been gaining popularity over the last decade. It provides a wonderful alternative to quick, frustrating sexual encounters. And for curious seekers and patient students, it offers the world of energetic orgasms, mystical bliss and divine connection that most of us have never experienced before!
Get in touch with me to schedule a session in order to learn more!


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What the Heck Are Full-body Orgasms

What the Heck Are Full-body Orgasms

“… After having a few experiences of hit and miss with tantric practitioners, I went back to see Stephanie, a local Tantra practitioner. I guess I wanted to learn from a variety of people instead of having one ‘guru’, but I definitely do wish that I had decided to see Steph sooner. I told her about my journey so far and asked if she could help me become more orgasmic. She was happy to help and we scheduled a session.

When I arrived, we started with a chat. I described my experiences and efforts and she offered her insights. But everything that she was telling me I had already read or heard before. I already knew all about relaxing, surrendering, staying present and using my breath. I knew about the male/female polarity and how it played out in sex. All the theory and information was in my head, I just could not get my body to experience it.

Stephanie proposed that we do a yoni massage. Yoni (pronounced as yo-nee) is a Sanskrit word for female genitalia and means ‘sacred space’. I agreed and was handed a sarong. I undressed, wrapped the sarong around my body and we began. Steph took me through a beautiful ritual where words like ‘cosmos’, ‘sisters journeying together’ and ‘energy’ came up. I allowed myself to enjoy the mystical ambience she was creating.

Steph remained very gentle and respectful as I lay down and removed my sarong. It was a completely different experience to the massage provided by Andrew a few months before. Now my body was being treated like a temple, honoured by conscious touch and a loving presence.

Stephanie sat between my legs and began the massage. I was menstruating so she limited the touch to external strokes. As she was gently caressing my vulva, my sexual energy began to build up and flow. Her touch felt so amazing, so soft, so pleasurable!

She directed me to use breath, sound and movement during the session, so soon we began to spread and circulate that erotic charge through my entire body. Before long my whole body was tingling with intense pleasure and bliss. It felt so good; I could have stayed there forever!

This experience was a big a-ha! moment for me. This whole talk about full-body orgasms, energetic orgasms, chakra orgasms, etc., still kept me wondering about the role of the genital response during these experiences. Just like many people in our society, I was used to thinking of orgasm as a series of pleasurable pulsating sensations in the pelvic floor region. So I kept wondering – do full-body orgasms come with these muscle spasms as well? And how does it happen if in many cases the genitals are not stimulated at all – as in during breathing orgasms?

Now I finally knew.

Stephanie guided my body to a full-body orgasmic state and kept me there for a while. But even though she did stroke my genitals, I did not experience the familiar pulsating response that I was used to before. Instead my entire body seemed to be pulsating blissfully during – and for many hours after – the session.

Moving sexual energy

Since that time I have facilitated and witnessed hundreds of similar experiences for my clients. In fact, I almost daily guide clients to a full-body sexual awakening, and the responses are usually nothing short of amazement. Both men and women respond to tantric techniques equally, allowing these tools and practices to take them gently and gracefully into a deeper embodiment, profound sensuality and mind- blowing pleasure.

The experience of awakening and channelling up one’s sexual energy is in some traditions referred to as Kundalini awakening. Kundalini energy is our life force energy, aka our sexual energy. It is portrayed as a snake coiled three and a half times around the base of the spine. As you awaken the snake, it stretches up your spine to the top of your head, allowing a wonderful internal release of this strong energy through the entire system.

Many people do not realize just how potent their sexual energy is. In our sexually repressed society, we learn to keep our erotic charge only in our genitals until we are ready to release it out of the body in an ejaculatory orgasm for men, or a clitoral orgasm for women. Conventionally, as we get aroused, we tense up our bodies and constrict or even hold our breath. Both these responses lock arousal in our genitals and do not allow it to travel through the body. This scenario gives us a very localized, genitally based, release-type of experience. And as much as it can feel very nice, there is much more out there for us to explore.

This is why in Tantra we relax our bodies. It is not about being limp; you can absolutely stay active and relaxed. It is simply about not holding tension in your body which would inhibit your ecstatic experience. And this is also why we breathe deeply, freely. Your breath will literally carry your sexual energy all throughout your body. If you allow it.

Just think – your sexual energy is capable of producing a new life, a child! Isn’t that just magnificent? And what happens when you start to move and circulate that potent life force inside of your own body? You are creating more life for yourself.

Tantrics believe that sexual energy is capable of healing us, energizing us, rejuvenating our bodies, clearing our minds and inspiring our thinking. Tantric men who circulate their sexual energy regularly report that they do not need as much sleep. They feel much more energized during the day. They do not get sick as much. And they experience an amazing clarity of thinking and a profound creativity.

Men often tell me about a certain fogginess they experience in their brains after ejaculating. On top of that, it is no secret that after the release the man is most likely going to roll over and fall asleep as his body is feeling drained and depleted. These and other symptoms can be largely reduced if sexual energy is spread through the entire body first and maybe even kept within the body as the man develops an ability to experience non-ejaculatory orgasms.

The truth is that all men can be multi-orgasmic. All men can experience full-body, deeply nurturing, energizing and satisfying ecstatic states. But in order to get there, they first need to learn to separate ejaculation from orgasm.

Addictive release

I used to think that men were the lucky ones in sex. After all they could orgasm pretty much every single time, which is something I had struggled with for so many years. Now I am aware that this ease of ejaculating can actually be a much more serious problem.

These release-type experiences can definitely provide men with a few seconds of intense pleasure but, in the end, they always result in depletion as a large amount of energy is lost in the process. As the man becomes drained of his life force every single time, the satisfaction he derives from each ejaculation is very short-lived and soon he needs to masturbate or have sex again. This can lead to a vicious cycle and an addiction to the release. Always chasing it but never achieving enough satisfaction from it.

Women’s sexuality is not so strongly centred on the release. In fact, many women do not orgasm during sex at all so they enjoy the experience for the sheer pleasure it gives them. This allows the woman to sensually savour the nice feelings in her body without getting too fixated on her genital response.

For this reason many women are naturally tantric, and it is much easier for them to master full-body orgasms than it is for men.

Please remember, as long as you are chasing that ejaculatory response, you will not be able to reach your full orgasmic potential or provide a deeply ecstatic experience to your partner. Women, on average, take four times as long as men do to orgasm. This means that the longer you can last, the longer you can just stay in arousal without trying to get anywhere, the more likely she will be to reach a level of arousal high enough to take her over the edge of a massive orgasm.”

– excerpt from “Legendary Lover: 6 Essential Steps to Having Great Sex”


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What Do Women Desire in Bed?

What Do Women Desire in Bed?

“He starts to kiss me, softly, sweetly, tugging at my lips with his.

He cups my breast, brushes the nipple with his thumb.

I reach down and stroke myself where all the sweat gathers, where the smell of my sex is strongest. I stroke it and then lick my fingers and stroke it some more.

He gently bites my top lip, sucks it. Tugs at my nipple, rolling it between his thumb and forefinger.

I feel it harden.

I feel him harden.

I feel myself getting wet.

I wet my finger, run it up the lips of my pussy and imagine it’s his tongue, wetting the wings of my labia, feeling them flutter and spread, circling my clit and flicking it. Blood rushes to my head, to my clit. I feel dizzy.” – from “The Juliette Society” by Sasha Grey


Women’s erotica has never been on my reading list. It is a genre that most people would never reach for as it has a reputation for being poorly written and cheesy. Most people would feel terribly embarrassed if they were ever caught reading it. Yet I know men who have more than once wandered into the land of erotic novels. And they had a good reason to do so!


Men and women fantasize about sex differently, different things turn us on. We also usually desire different things in bed. Most of porn produced today is aimed towards men, responding to masculine desires and fantasies. But if as a man, you truly want to learn what your lover desires and dreams of in bed, you won’t learn that from porn. In many cases even your lover herself won’t be able to tell you about it – many women experience a lot of shame when it comes to voicing their sexual preferences. But there is one place where women freely allow themselves to express and indulge in truly feminine sexual fantasies – in erotic novels.


As you dive deep into the world of romance and erotica, you’ll discover that women love to be seduced and teased. You’ll find pages of descriptions of gentle touch, of building anticipation, of kissing, licking each other, holding each other close, of coming close and pulling away…

… and then finally giving in to desire when she is dripping wet and feels dazed with arousal. The moments before the penetration are where it’s all at – the bodies shivering with pleasure as lovers hardly manage to control themselves.


As Barry Long, a charismatic Australian teacher, advises in his books and tapes, the modern couples have forgotten how to make love to each other which is why there is so much frustration and sexual dissatisfaction in the world. I find this quote particularly powerful:

“Woman has learned to make love through man who does not know how to make love. Hence the dreadful mess that love is in. Since time began she has been manipulated and encouraged to feel that the finest expression of her love is to please man sexually. The truth is the other way around. The finest expression of love is to have man delight her sexually. This he can only do when he can forget his preoccupation with orgasm and be sufficiently selfless or present in love to collect and receive her divine energies. For him, these are the finest expression of her love.”


I have spoken to countless men who lament that their wives don’t want to have sex anymore. And I do sympathise but at the same time I wonder: “what kind of sex was she getting all these years?”. Very few women in our society are made love to well, and for many, many years, I was one of them. Many men forget that women get aroused slowly and they penetrate their partners too soon, which can be undesirable, uncomfortable or even painful. So if you, as a man, desire a lifetime of passionate sex and an insatiable lover, ask yourself first: “what do I know about women’s sexual desires?”. And if the answer is “not much”, maybe it’s time to visit the erotica section on Amazon…


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A Guide to Getting a Striptease

A Guide to Getting a Striptease

Last night I got the most amazing striptease of my life!
A few days ago I expressed to my partner that I’d absolutely love if he danced and stripped for me.
I think that it’s a really wonderful, playful and sexy thing for partners to do for each other.
I love watching and admiring my partner’s body and it doesn’t matter whether he’s a good dancer or not.

And last night he did it!
He made sure I was resting comfortably in bed (I had no idea what he was about to do!), he put music on and then walked into the bedroom with a big smile on his face and started dancing for me!
He made it a playful and sexy experience.
He didn’t take himself too seriously and visibly had a lot of fun, moving and acting funny in front of me.

The most amazing thing about it is that I had previously asked a number of ex-partners and ex-lovers for a similar thing.
But nobody had actually performed a private striptease for me because they all felt too self-conscious or embarrassed about the idea of dancing for me.

I had danced and stripped in front of my lovers, I had even recorded videos of me dancing in a sensual way and sent them to the men in my life.
I always thought that lovers absolutely should do sexy, funny, playful things for each other.

But last night for the first time it was me who received this kind of performance and it was AMAZING!
I loved every moment of it – I laughed, I cheered and I kept admiring his body.

And gosh, did I get aroused by his dance!
When he finally joined me in bed, our sex was HOT, HOT, HOT!
My heart was open wide and I felt deeply connected to him in the most loving, deep way.
I wanted to cry from joy, love and pleasure.
I wanted to hold him tight and never let go.
I wanted to merge with him and to feel him deep inside of me.

Don’t let your inhibitions and embarrassment stop you from having sexy fun together!
You don’t need to be a great dancer.
Put the music on, invite your partner to the bedroom and dance your heart out while slowly removing your clothes.
I bet you both will love it! 


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