When does premature ejaculation happen?
In my practice, I see men, women and couples coming to me about a variety of sex and intimacy related issues – sexual boredom and frustration, painful sex, lack of libido and erectile difficulties among many others. However, there is one complaint that I hear more often than anything else and that’s premature ejaculation. Also called ‘rapid ejaculation’ or ‘early ejaculation’, it’s an experience where a man orgasms and releases semen soon after the moment of penetration. In the medical society, the opinions vary in relation to how long is ‘soon’ and some experts place the cut-off point at 2 minutes, others at 1 minute and others still – at 15 seconds. My education and practices I use are based in Tantra which is why I support a different view of this issue. According to the tantric circles, premature ejaculation happens when the man ejaculates before either one of the partners is ready.
Is it a problem?
This issue is not straightforward and a lot depends on the personal experience of the couple. If he ejaculates within 2 minutes and both are satisfied with the experience, there is no problem. Unfortunately, that’s rarely the case as many men suffering from early ejaculation report low levels of sexual satisfaction and pleasure. Huge majority of them want to be able to last longer and hence popularity of different pills and products available on the market, that make promising claims. The partners of premature ejaculators are usually much more understanding and tolerant of this issue than men, however, women also can report significant frustration when intercourse is cut short.
Causes of premature ejaculation
There are many possible causes of PE so it’s always best to speak to a professional to pinpoint what is happening in your particular case. Most commonly, bad masturbation habits can condition the body for a quick release. Many men first learn to self-pleasure when they’re teenagers and they form a habit of touching themselves in a very quick, efficient way, in order to avoid getting caught. As they continue masturbating exactly the same way for many years, their nervous system becomes wired in a way that leads to a quick release and they lose control over their arousal.
What about porn?
Among other causes there is also porn watching. Porn is a great source of sexual stimulation and can lead to high levels of arousal. When overstimulated, the men become highly excited very quickly, leading them to a premature climax. When this process is repeated often, the body adopts it and performs the same way each time, whether the man wants to release quickly or not.
The role of society
For others, the society and its conditioning is to blame. We live in a culture that represses sexuality and sexual desires. We grow up feeling that sex is somehow bad or sinful, that nudity is wrong and that our genitals are dirty and smelly. We all want to be good, proper human beings so we develop a conflict between our ethics or religious beliefs and the desires of our bodies. This can lead to deep levels of shame and guilt that we carry around into our daily lives and into our bedrooms. This can further lead to a disconnection between the head and the body and we find ourselves distracted during sex, stuck in the head and absent from the body. It’s extremely difficult to control one’s arousal when the attention wanders and we’re detached from our physical experience.
Who is usually affected?
In my experience, early ejaculation can affect men of all ages, backgrounds and occupations. However, the good news is that anybody can reverse this conditioning and create an ability to last as long as they want in bed. And this is very significant because the issue is very wide-spread and affects significantly the confidence, wellbeing and romantic lives of the sufferers. I have worked with men who have come to me in a state of depression, self-conscious and unable to approach women out of fear or embarrassment. That fear is very telling about how we perceive masculinity and the pressure we put on men to perform in bed. We expect men to be great lover and to satisfy their partners, however, the society gives them no tools or education to create mind-blowing, long-lasting sex in the bedroom. Some men give up on relationships, unable to deal with shame and embarrassment. Others keep trying, using different products or techniques that promise results. But none of these techniques are perfect and some can come with significant side effects.
Pills like viagra used in a long-term will create health problems or extreme states of fatigue. Numbing creams will reduce sensation, cutting off the pleasure both for you AND for her, as the cream from the penis will be transferred into the vagina during intercourse. Thinking about knitting and grandma during sex can help in a short-term, however, you’ll be missing the whole point of sex – intimacy and connection – and your partner will pick up on it. Some men choose to ejaculate before sex and that will usually allow them to last longer the second time. But most men report that the second time is never as pleasurable as the first one and that they’re basically hammering away, without much sensitivity, tenderness or passion. Others still, create extreme muscle tension in their bodies right before the orgasm, in order to stop the ejaculatory response. This will help in some cases but the experience will be each time very challenging and frustrating for both partners.
None of these techniques or products create a long-term solutions. They need to be applied each time, not solving the problem, simply masking it.
There’s a better way
Fortunately, there is another way to combat premature ejaculation, a much more healthy and natural alternative. It brings no side-effects and keeps both partners connected, loving and deeply satisfied. It can be used in any position, with any partner and can create an experience of love-making that lasts a long time and is full of connection, pleasure and bliss. Men who apply tantric practices develop mastery over their erections and arousal, stay deeply mindful of their bodies and enjoy pleasure beyond anything that they’ve experienced before. At the most basic level, these practices involve a conscious use of relaxation, breath and presence.
When we’re relaxed, our sexual energy and arousal can flow freely through the entire body instead of remaining stuck in the genital area. Pretty much all men learn early to tense up the muscles in their bodies as they become aroused and that tension is exactly what triggers the ejaculatory response. When the arousal is stuck in the genitals, held there by muscle tension, it cannot move and soon the pressure becomes too much for the body to hold. As the erotic charge is released, we reach an orgasmic climax and lose all arousal and sexual energy.
Men often constrict or hold their breath as they become aroused, which is another way to keep the erotic energy localised in one spot, in the pelvis. This is why tantric men use deep, abdominal breathing to pull their sexual charge out of their genitals and up through their entire bodies. As the arousal is carried by the breath through the entire system, it’s much easier to last longer as the body doesn’t struggle to keep a significant amount of pressure in one spot.
Most men ejaculate early because they’re not aware of how aroused they are. With our minds constantly racing, it’s challenging to remain mindful and aware of the sensations in the body. But when a man is deeply conscious and connected to his body, he will properly read the signals that his body is sending him and he’ll develop not only a better degree of control in bed but also a deeper sensitivity and an ability to feel much more pleasure.
Is this for you?
As with anything in life, using shortcuts usually doesn’t get us far and we all need to do the real work in order to see real results. Working with relaxation, breath and presence in a consistent way, during masturbation and partner sex, will rewire the nervous system and teach the body to remain in the state of arousal for much longer. This will create a beautiful, effortless experience of love-making, full of not only control and pleasure but also connection and deep intimacy. And that’s exactly why Tantra has been gaining popularity over the last decade. It provides a wonderful alternative to quick, frustrating sexual encounters. And for curious seekers and patient students, it offers the world of energetic orgasms, mystical bliss and divine connection that most of us have never experienced before!