What Do Men Know About the Clitoris?

What Do Men Know About the Clitoris?

I was about twenty when I first found out what a clitoris was and that I had one. Up to that point my genital structure was quite mysterious to me and I didn’t have any clear idea of what was really hiding “down there”. When I lost virginity at 20, my first boyfriend was more experienced than me and introduced me to the world of oral sex and clitoral stimulation. He had learnt about it from his previous girlfriend who was older than him. The way he was touching my clit was pleasurable at first but with time he would keep adding pressure in order to make me orgasm. He wouldn’t listen to my pleas for him to be gentler or to stop. I had to orgasm each time, whether I liked it or not. The purpose of my climax was only partly for my pleasure with the main goal being the proof of his value as a lover.

Many years later, I now teach men of all ages and backgrounds about the female pearl of pleasure. Where it is, how it works, how to touch it, etc. I do wish my first boyfriend received this kind of detailed education! I also often wonder – when do men actually learn about the existence and function of the clitoris? The lucky ones will learn in their teenage years while playing with their girlfriends. But many will not. Many men go through years of their early sexual experiences without any understanding of female arousal and assumed that the penetration was the main deal. Only once they discover the clitoris, their sexual game changes. But they’re still far away from sexual mastery as the awareness of the clitoris is just the beginning.

For so many years now, we’ve been badly misinformed about the real structure of the clitoris. Did you know that this little button shaped organ you see is only a tip of an iceberg? The internal structure of the clitoris is much larger. The clitoral glans (the external part) is connected to the shaft which connects to the clitoral legs. The legs encompass the vagina on either side and are up to 9cm long. There are also clitoral bulbs (vestibules) located under the labia majora. When engorged with blood, they protrude out, pushing the vulva outward and causing a tighter-feeling vaginal opening.

By penetrating the vagina, you’re stimulating the internal clitoris which is wrapped around the vagina. According to scientists, the internal walls of the vagina are quite insensitive in most cases, indicating that the vagina is not the sole source of arousal. The internal clitoris is highly erogenous when stimulated through the vaginal walls and externally through the stimulation of the glans.

It wasn’t really until 2009 that a proper study of the internal clitoris was conducted. That’s when two French researchers (Dr. Odile Buisson and Dr. Pierre Foldès) completed a first 3D sonography of the stimulated clitoris showing how the erectile tissue of the clitoris engorges and surrounds the vagina. This was a complete breakthrough explaining that what was before considered a vaginal orgasm, is really an internal clitoral orgasm.

And as for the G-spot, it’s the area where the clitoris contacts the anterior vaginal wall. This explains why the G-spot’s location is different in every woman since the internal clitoral structure varies from person to person.

It’s also important to remember that sexual arousal is not only about the clitoris and vagina, there are many other physical and mental components involved. Plus we’re all different – physically and otherwise, we all have had different experiences that have shaped our bodily responses differently and no two human beings orgasm in exactly same way.

So there you go – the little button of pleasure packing an amazing number of 8,000 sensory nerve endings is much more than we’ve once thought it was! And this information is important for anybody who wants to enjoy a fuller experience of female pleasure and sexuality – whether it’s herself or her partner.

And one more final tip from me – the clitoral shaft is extremely pleasurable to touch. You will locate it just above the clitoral glans. Once you find it, place two fingers on either side of the shaft and slowly rub them up and down – your lady will love it!

 

Image source: OpenStax College – Anatomy & Physiology, Connexions Web site. http://cnx.org/content/col11496/1.6/, Jun 19, 2013., CC BY 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=30148635

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Intimacy Post Birth – The Connected Couple

Intimacy Post Birth – The Connected Couple

by Stephanie Dey

So you have welcomed home your new beautiful bundle of joy. You may be taking to parenthood like a duck to water or you may be overwhelmed, tired and just down right exhausted. We can never know how we will cope until in the situation and many variables can effect this transition!

 

Have both you and your partner had previous experience with babies? Is the baby sleeping well, taking to the boob well, are there other children to consider, how was the birth experience?

 

We then consider how the communication, intimacy and compassionate support was in your relationship dynamic previously. It is very common in these early stages of parenthood to feel a disconnect from your partner. The mother often doesn’t feel the solid support of her partner bringing about a shaky foundation in her feeling safe in the relationship. The father can often feel like the mother knows exactly what to do and his role in the dynamic is somewhat unclear, the babies really only rely on the mother in those early days – “I felt like an extra left hand” said one of my clients on my doting dads coaching program. He didn’t want to add stress to his partner so he never communicated that and that is where a divide began in their relating!

 

Communicating and making time for intimacy can be super difficult at this time. When both parents are tired, sensitive, hormones are still readjusting in the body for the mother – yet still fully fledging in the father. Despite the doctor putting a blanket rule that MOST women “should” be physically ready for sex within 6 weeks there are so many reasons this might not be the case. We have to consider the spiritual, mental, emotional journey that has taken place in birth and beyond.

 

Things that can effect the decision to engage in sexual intercourse post birth…

  • Tiredness
  • Feeling unhappy with your body after pregnancy and birth
  • Traumatic birth journey
  • Fear of Pain
  • Episiotomy
  • C – Section
  • Pelvic Floor
  • Feeling emotionally unsupported
  • Breast feeding
  • Accepting your new role as mother/father

And many more…

Women and men are intrinsically different and in fact polar opposites! The way to allow a woman to soften into her sexuality is by warming her heart…making her feel heard, validated, supported and cherished. This is where taking the diaper bin out without being asked becomes foreplay! Men are more likely to open their heart when they are feeling honoured, appreciated, sexually desired and have a role!

My favourite work is with couples and guiding them to understand these differences and variables that come into play in my connected couples support.

 

Simple ways to connect (even when you are tired)…

  • Taking the time daily to compliment each other.
  • Women –  taking the time to appreciate what your man does do instead of focusing on where he is lacking.
  • Men – asking how you can best be of support to your partner, taking initiative.
  • Making time to have a date night!!
  • Eye Gazing – you would be surprised how much can be said without words.
  • Being intimate without expectation of intercourse.
  • Checking in with each other – how are you both feeling?

This is what I am highly passionate about and if I can help you in transitioning your new family dynamics please get in touch.

 

Stephanie Dey is a childbirth educator, doula and tantric practitioner. It is her passion keeping couples connected when the family dynamic changes with a new baby!

You can find her at: https://www.stephaniedey.com/

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