When I first heard of crystal dildos, I was intrigued but also apprehensive. The idea of putting stone objects in my vagina was so foreign to me at that stage, that I had no idea what to make of it. But the promises of cervical orgasms and sexual healing were too...
Relationship with my anus
Back during my younger years, I had had a few experiences of anal sex, however, they were all very painful and uncomfortable.
My ex-partners made no attempt to relax my anal area and would simply force their erect penis into my anus, mostly without using any lubrication.
This kept creating more and more tension, trauma and pain in my anus, inhibiting even deeper my ability to enjoy anal touch.
Some years later, when I was doing my sexological training, the anal module was challenging to me but I did perform all the activities and assignments that included bodywork on myself and others.
This helped a great deal in re-creating a pleasure connection with my anus and in healing it and re-claiming it as a valid, highly sensitive and even pleasurable to touch body part.
However, once the training was over, I pretty much left my anus alone.
I must admit that I have a strong preference for stroking my breasts and vulva over playing with my ‘back door’.
Knocking on the back door
However, when I met Darren, he changed that and forced me to look again at the relationship I had with my anus.
He found anal sex highly arousing and we engaged in it on a regular basis.
As anybody who’s had any experiences with anal sex is aware, it requires a high level of relaxation, otherwise things can become painful.
My lover was very skilled at relaxing me and my anus but I still needed to employ 100% of my concentration in order to remain in my body and in my pleasure.
The moment I would allow my attention to wander and when I would go into my head, I often panicked and clenched my anal sphincters.
On a few occasions, I pushed my lover away in a moment of tension, anxiety and fear.
One day, right after lovemaking, I confessed to him that within a few moments of the first anal thrust, I always felt a cold wave rushing through my body.
It felt like as if my body had a fever, like a wave of cold sweat – very unpleasant and chilling.
He looked at me concerned and said “it’s trauma”.
That realization was extremely powerful to me.
I can analyse others in a heartbeat and recommend the best course of action for a variety of sexual difficulties and challenges.
However, I hadn’t been able to diagnose myself.
He was right, my body still held a memory of trauma caused by all the inexperienced and insensitive lovers from my past.
My body was still reacting with fear, trying to protect itself from anal touch.
Once the trauma is acknowledged, it can be healed.
Once I understood what was happening to my body, I had never felt that cold sweat again.
Since then, I’ve been giving my body and my anus a lot of compassion and patience – healing takes time!
But being a victim of sexual trauma myself, I have a very deep and personal understanding of what my clients struggle with.
When fear and tension arise, I slow down and breathe.
I give my body time to calm down and relax, I assure my body that it’s safe and respected.
Whenever pain appears, we stop all movement.
Slowly, I’m re-writing my conditioning and re-wiring my system.
I’m teaching my body to associate touch with pleasure and sensuality instead of pain and trauma.
This is usually a long process that cannot be rushed.
But I have both time and a very patient partner.
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