Are You Trying to Rescue a Princess

Are You Trying to Rescue a Princess

When I was very young and still living in Poland, I wanted to be rescued. Really bad. I was fascinated by the world outside of my country but couldn’t afford to travel anywhere. I wanted my prince charming to arrive, see how special I was and take me to his lovely home in a far away place full of abundance and joy. I was sick of struggling and wanted to get away. I wanted a strong and powerful man to show up in my life and make everything better. I wanted to be a princess from a fable, reunited with her prince charming. But… None of that happened. Instead, I became independent, saved up some money and went travelling the world on my own.

 

Happily ever after

Walt Disney’s stories fill our heads with unrealistic examples. They give us a model of a relationship built on an unhealthy foundation:

  • she is unhappy, unfulfilled, in distress.
  • he arrives and sweeps her off her feet and saves her from her grief.
  • they are two halves that wait to be reunited.

Girls grow up dreaming of being princesses rescued by a prince. Instead of dealing with their shit and healing any wounding, they wait for the right man before they can be happy and fulfilled. And young men grow up wanting to save women, they see their value in being needed by their helpless partners. This creates a cycle of neediness and dependency. Men keep attracting partners who are in need. This makes them feel wanted for a while but in a long-term, it becomes frustrating because the women never learn to emotionally depend on themselves.

We see ourselves as two halves – incomplete and unhappy until we find each other.

 

You’re not a half

Once I gave up on waiting for my prince, something great happened – I learned to depend on myself. I started seeing myself as an independent, happy and fulfilled human being, seeking another independent, happy and fulfilled human being to share my journey with. I don’t need him to be in my life, I’m capable of being happy when he’s away. My life is full and exciting and my partner simply adds an extra layer of bliss on top.

 

We can’t save each other

Men ask me sometimes about being with wounded women who carry trauma, have been raped, have trust issues, etc. And I tell them that it’s very beautiful to support their partners and be there for them in need. However, they need to be aware that they cannot save anyone. We’re not here to save each other. We’re here to have our own experience, our own process. As long as we’re choosing to ignore that, we’ll always end up frustrated and disappointed.

The wounded partner needs to process and heal their own stuff, they need to want a change badly enough that they will do whatever it takes. If you’re the only one pushing for a change, be prepared to wait for it a long time. If you get together with a wounded and needy partner, be aware that they might remain this way forever.

 

Remember:

You cannot save anybody! You need to allow them to have their own process.

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Dealing With Low Libido

Dealing With Low Libido

I must admit that I’ve been feeling fairly low on energy lately. It is currently winter in the southern hemisphere and the days are getting shorter and shorter. When it’s cold and dark outside, it’s extra difficult to feel uplifted, joyful or energized. So I’ve been allowing myself to stay in a bit more, to achieve a little less than usually and even to have some lazy mornings in bed. My friends and clients are usually reflecting the same tendencies as they’re finding it extra hard to perform as usual.

 

Lost mojo

Even your libido can take a hit during times like that. One of my clients wrote to me a few days ago, complaining that he had lost all his sexual desire. And as much as we can more or less handle the general feeling of fatigue and lethargy sometimes, we do start to worry when it affects our sex lives. We wonder if something is wrong and if we have a problem that needs to be addressed. Many men start to question themselves as lovers, particularly if usually they have a healthy appetite for sex. We want to feel great again – we want our mojo back.

 

Life is cyclical

In the world run by coffee, sugar and high-speed media, we feel like we always need to do more, do it faster and better. We have never ending to-do lists and we feel guilty about taking a day off. Simply enjoying life is no longer enough and we need to be productive, efficient and creative. But that’s not how life works.

Life is cyclical, it goes through seasons, it changes and fluctuates. Sometimes we feel great and ready to conquer the world and sometimes we just want to hibernate and be left alone. We tend to deal with low times by using stimulants but they simply drain our bodies in the long term, making us depleted and sick. Our bodies have a rhythm that we should respect and listen to. They will then reward us with a much better physical experience and better health.

 

Are you guilty?

Are you guilty of pushing yourself a little too hard when you’re not feeling up for it? Do you still go to work, even when you’re not feeling well? Do you drink coffee instead of getting enough sleep or taking a few breaks during the day? Do you tend to always expect more from your body than it can deliver? I’ve definitely been guilty of many of these things in my life. I used to set crazy expectations for myself and each day used to be full to the brink. I also used to expect my body to always be ready for my lovers and to perform in bed. Any health problem would make me panic, because I was so scared of not being able to work or operate as normal.

 

Dealing with the low times

But I’ve changed. I’ve been on a deep journey with my body and I’ve learned that sometimes I can climb the mountains and other times I need to nap and watch Netflix. I am now recognizing and acknowledging these seasons within my body and I listen to them. And when my lover is around, I may need to tell him sometimes that we’re just going to cuddle. When my client asked me what to do about his lost mojo, I told him to be compassionate with himself. I told him to nurture his body and to relax instead of worrying. These things happen, nothing is wrong. So instead of meeting all the deadlines, it might be time to turn off the computer and to run yourself a bath. Or maybe taking a full day off might be in order. You might need to spend a day in nature and meditate. Or take your family out and enjoy their company. Struggling through low times never produces great results and it’s often much better to give yourself a break. When the low time is over, you’ll be able to create something much better and with much less effort.

 

So find your flow, respect and nurture yourself during the low times. You’ll end up with a healthier body, stronger sense of wellbeing and much better results of your efforts.

And your libido?

That will return too, when your body is good and ready 🙂

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Anal Sex and Healing Sexual Trauma

Anal Sex and Healing Sexual Trauma

Relationship with my anus

Back during my younger years, I had had a few experiences of anal sex, however, they were all very painful and uncomfortable.
My ex-partners made no attempt to relax my anal area and would simply force their erect penis into my anus, mostly without using any lubrication.
This kept creating more and more tension, trauma and pain in my anus, inhibiting even deeper my ability to enjoy anal touch.
Some years later, when I was doing my sexological training, the anal module was challenging to me but I did perform all the activities and assignments that included bodywork on myself and others.
This helped a great deal in re-creating a pleasure connection with my anus and in healing it and re-claiming it as a valid, highly sensitive and even pleasurable to touch body part.
However, once the training was over, I pretty much left my anus alone.
I must admit that I have a strong preference for stroking my breasts and vulva over playing with my ‘back door’.

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Knocking on the back door

However, when I met Darren, he changed that and forced me to look again at the relationship I had with my anus.
He found anal sex highly arousing and we engaged in it on a regular basis.
As anybody who’s had any experiences with anal sex is aware, it requires a high level of relaxation, otherwise things can become painful.
My lover was very skilled at relaxing me and my anus but I still needed to employ 100% of my concentration in order to remain in my body and in my pleasure.
The moment I would allow my attention to wander and when I would go into my head, I often panicked and clenched my anal sphincters.
On a few occasions, I pushed my lover away in a moment of tension, anxiety and fear.

 

Anal trauma

One day, right after lovemaking, I confessed to him that within a few moments of the first anal thrust, I always felt a cold wave rushing through my body.
It felt like as if my body had a fever, like a wave of cold sweat – very unpleasant and chilling.
He looked at me concerned and said “it’s trauma”.
That realization was extremely powerful to me.
I can analyse others in a heartbeat and recommend the best course of action for a variety of sexual difficulties and challenges.
However, I hadn’t been able to diagnose myself.
He was right, my body still held a memory of trauma caused by all the inexperienced and insensitive lovers from my past.
My body was still reacting with fear, trying to protect itself from anal touch.

 

Healing

Once the trauma is acknowledged, it can be healed.
Once I understood what was happening to my body, I had never felt that cold sweat again.
Since then, I’ve been giving my body and my anus a lot of compassion and patience – healing takes time!
But being a victim of sexual trauma myself, I have a very deep and personal understanding of what my clients struggle with.
When fear and tension arise, I slow down and breathe.
I give my body time to calm down and relax, I assure my body that it’s safe and respected.
Whenever pain appears, we stop all movement.
Slowly, I’m re-writing my conditioning and re-wiring my system.
I’m teaching my body to associate touch with pleasure and sensuality instead of pain and trauma.
This is usually a long process that cannot be rushed.
But I have both time and a very patient partner.

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Are You Doing Sex Right?

And they lived happily ever after

In modern day and age, with easy access to media, we have a better than ever opportunity to watch and witness the lives of others, their ups and downs and their relationships.

From movies to reality shows, from online blogs to YouTube videos, we can peek and eavesdrop not only into other people’s lives but also into their bedrooms.

On the basis of all this data, we’re creating a certain image of what a good relationship and sex life should look like.

On top of that, we come with a predetermined set of beliefs formed at childhood about finding one and true love and living with them happily ever after.

Yes, Walt Disney, I’m pointing my finger at you!

 

Fixing people

I don’t believe that there is any particular standard that we should all aspire to.

I don’t believe that any people or organizations should ever be allowed to tell us how we’re supposed to love others in our lives.

I don’t believe it’s right for anybody to bend themselves to adhere to the social standard of love, relationships or intimacy.

Someone asked me recently: “Do you ever come across anybody that you can’t fix?”

And I replied that I don’t fix people because there is nothing to be fixed.

I support my clients in finding the right way for them, which is the way that brings them the most happiness, pleasure and fulfilment.

I don’t consider anybody’s life experience wrong because it’s not an exact match to what I personally see as great sex.

I’ve come across people who were perfectly satisfied with their lives, even though they didn’t experience passionate intimacy or blissful ecstasy.

I don’t believe that we all want or need the same things in the bedroom.

But if someone’s life experience is bringing them grief and frustration – this is where I can help!

 

What is great sex for you?

Are you basing your ideas of sex and intimacy on what the society considers acceptable?

I find that the best sexual experiences happen when we don’t hold any particular expectations about them, when we don’t create ideas in our heads about what they should or ought to look like, based on movies we’ve seen or stories we’ve heard.

Holding expectations like that keeps us stuck in the head, comparing the real experience to the image in our minds.

That’s not a great way to have sex.

Sex happens in the body and by staying present in the body, we can go much deeper into this beautifully intimate experience.

Being present in the body means paying close attention to every touch, sensation, tingle. To the warmth of their skin, their breath and their kisses on your face.

Holding images and expectations in our minds pulls us away from this truly embodied experience.

 

Routine or exploration?

Betty Dodson PhD is a great visionary and she’s been teaching people to orgasm for many years now.

She introduces her clients to a wonderful idea of masturbating together as a form of lovemaking.

This really challenges most people’s idea of what sex should look like.

Majority of people follow a reliable yet quickly boring routine: 1/ foreplay, 2/ penetration, 3/ ejaculation.

Betty challenges us to reframe sex and to start experiencing it as a creation of our own desires and needs and I really admire her for that!

Since I discovered Tantra, I let go of routines and ‘should’s in sex.

Now I follow my pleasure, curiosity and I experiment.

I follow my bliss.

And it feels amazing!

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