How to Hold a Woman

How to Hold a Woman

I love to dance, I love to give in to the music, to flow with it and to express the sound through my body.

I love to feel the music vibrate through my entire system and I love how alive my body feels when I’m dancing.

And I absolutely love to have a strong, masculine partner who can lead me in movement.

I love to surrender to his hands and his body, allowing him to take me into amazing places and experiences.

I don’t have to think, I don’t have to decide, I just allow myself to be held and guided.

I immerse myself in music.

The dance becomes a trance-like experience.

 

Energetic polarity

The feminine essence in women yearns to surrender to the masculine. This is the basic idea behind the male-female polarity.

The more feminine the woman is, the more she will want to surrender to her partner, the more she will want to give in to his strength and presence.

This is the dance of Shiva and Shakti. The interaction between the active/masculine and receptive/feminine partner.

 

Modern women

I spoke to a few women recently. They expressed a very different idea.

They felt triggered and threatened by the idea of surrendering to a man, of being held by a man.

I was very interested in their personal reasons so I asked them: “Why?”.

One of them explained: “I’m afraid to surrender because I don’t think that he can hold me. I don’t think that he is strong enough. I can’t rely on him and I’m afraid to trust him.”

 

Being receptive to a man

Personally, I can’t think of a more beautiful thing than surrendering to a man, being held by a man.

I’ve been held and led by many different amazing men in my life and I joyfully and enthusiastically surrender to man’s mind and body.

Whether I dance, make love or make plans for the weekend, becoming receptive to my male partner is something I thoroughly enjoy.

This does not mean that I never get a say in our plans or actions – of course I do!

But I do enjoy allowing him to make it all happen.

This keeps him in control of things and that is very important to masculine energy.

Men thrive when having a mission, a goal. Men are wonderful at getting things done – although not always the way that we women might want them to! 😉

 

Feminine spirit

Women are amazing at other things – being creative, passionate, wild and spontaneous!

Women bring depth and emotion to man’s pursuits and direction.

We complete each other.

Yet in our world, women do their best to be like men – business minded, stoic and strong.

And while there is nothing wrong with these qualities – they don’t usually come to women naturally.

At the same time men become confused how to be masculine or are afraid of claiming their manly power. In the world where men are mostly responsible for wars, rape, guns, corporate greed, political lies, animal cruelty and all kinds of abuse and hurt, it can be scary and unsafe to be a man.

 

How to hold your woman

So here’s my piece of advice for the men – the more masculine you are, the more you will evoke the feminine in her.

The more you claim your masculine role in the relationship, the more you will call in her spontaneous, passionate goddess.

The more you hold your calm presence and take control, the more she’ll gracefully dance her love, joy and affection towards you.

Love, adore and worship your woman while guiding her and holding her tight.

Your peace and calm grounds her chaotic dance.

Your presence soothes her emotions.

In your arms she finds rest, comfort and relief from the demands of the world.

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Why Most Women Don’t Orgasm During Sex

Why Most Women Don’t Orgasm During Sex

A few years ago I was among these unlucky women who never orgasmed during sex.

I could reach a quick, sharp clitoral orgasm when I placed a vibrator on my clit for a few minutes but that was the only kind of orgasm I could reach.

And using a vibrator was the only way that I could ever get there.

I felt terribly envious of all the women who could orgasm with their partners and even more envious of the lovers I was with – it always seemed that for men orgasms were easy and effortless.

At the depth of my sexual despair, I felt doomed and terribly inadequate.

I kept trying so, so hard to become orgasmic… to no avail.

 

My orgasms belong to me

Now I believe that every single woman is capable of experiencing orgasms during sex.

My own orgasms go way beyond anything that I had ever pictured as ‘orgasm’ before and are much more expanded, magical and satisfying than these original clitoral “sneezes”.

I also know that my orgasms belong to me – that means that I am the only one who can take me to that orgasmic state.

My partners or lovers can definitely be helpful while I’m getting there but in the end of the day I am the only one who can allow this to happen.

That means that I can orgasm and experience amazing pleasure with a masterful lover and with an average lover.

That also means that the most masterful lover in the world will not bring a woman to orgasm if she won’t allow that to happen.

There is a variety of ways that women cut themselves off of their orgasm and I’m going to describe here the main ones.

 

Lack of surrender

A woman needs to surrender to the experience of pleasure and arousal in order to orgasm.

This will only happen if she’s feeling safe, held and seen by her partner.

When women orgasm, the centre of their brain responsible for control shuts down.

If she feels unsafe, when she feels that she needs to remain in control, she will remain vigilant and that brain centre will remain active.

Therefore – she will not reach an orgasm.

 

She is thinking instead of feeling

Sex, pleasure and arousal happen in the body, yet most of the time women remain in their heads.

Women stress over poor body image, worry that they take too much time during oral sex and even plan their to-do lists for the following day.

There is simply no way she can deeply feel the waves upon waves of ecstatic pleasure in her body if her attention is elsewhere and if she’s stuck in her head.

 

She is making an effort to orgasm

The only kind of orgasm that can come from tension and effort is this quick, sharp kind of a clitoral release.

As we get aroused, we tend to tense our legs and genitals and hold our breath in order to squeeze out an orgasm.

But these ‘genital sneezes’ are usually barely satisfying or worth the effort.

The most amazing, mind-blowing, full-body orgasms are the ones that we fall into without effort, that expand through our system without us even trying.

So instead of clenching her muscles and constricting her breath, encourage her to let go, relax and enjoy!

 

Sex is over too quickly

A woman needs time in order to build up enough arousal and sexual energy in her body that will take her over the edge of orgasm.

If the entire sexual encounter only lasts a few minutes, she simply has no chance of building up enough erotic charge in her body to allow that orgasmic response to happen.

If you want to learn to last longer, ask me about my Tantric Mastery for Men!

 

Sex only happens in the genitals

For a truly meaningful and nurturing orgasmic state, her entire body needs to be awakened, touched and caressed.

We are capable of experiencing a lot of pleasure in different parts of our bodies and focusing the attention and touch only in the genitals result in a reduced level and intensity of experience.

 

She’s not moving, breathing or making sounds

This one is crucial!

Many women are way too passive during sex, while sexual energy needs to move, flow and expand.

This means that the more she is moving her body and the deeper her breath, the more the arousal can pulsate and move through her body.

The vibration of the sound will further encourage the movement of her erotic pleasure.

This is why, whenever I allow myself to be really loud during sex, my orgasms just seem to keep going and going, and going.

Mmmm…

 

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10 Tips to Give Her Mind-Blowing Oral

10 Tips to Give Her Mind-Blowing Oral

As much as you guys love blow jobs, we ladies can absolutely bliss out during state of art cunnilingus.

There is something truly magical about the combination of highly sensitive genitals and a gentle and wet touch of the tongue and mouth – it’s like they belong together!

And as is the case with anything in life – the better prepared and knowledgeable you are, the better you’ll be at performing it.

 

So here’s my 10 tips to give her state of art cunnilingus:

 

1/ Start by kissing and licking the rest of her body

Your tongue and mouth will feel amazing not only on her vulva but also on her chest, neck, ears, face, arms, hands, toes and thighs. Particularly inner arms and thighs and very sensitive and love gentle touch. Don’t forget that her genitals are not the only erogenous zone and make sure to explore the rest of her body first. This will awaken her pleasure and sensitivity, making it more likely for her to experience full-body orgasms.

Particularly her breasts will respond well to your oral loving.

 

2/ Slow down

If you’re in a rush to get to the “main bit”, you will subconsciously communicate a certain urgency to her body. You will make her feel like there’s a job to be done here, and hopefully quickly.

This will significantly reduce her ability to relax and surrender – and these two qualities are absolutely necessary for her to reach an orgasmic state.

In order for a woman to orgasm, the centre of her brain responsible for being in control needs to shut down. And this will not happen if she feels that you’re in a rush or that she’s taking too much time.

Remember: on average women need 4 times longer as men do to orgasm. Give her the time she needs and slooooooow dooooooown!

 

3/ Tease her

We all love to be teased! In sex it’s so true that it’s much more about the journey that it is about the destination. So don’t try to get her to any sort of outcome quickly. Play with her body, entice her desire, make her wait until she starts begging for more!

My partner loves teasing me by denying me his touch for those extra moments. When his face gets close to my vulva, without actually touching it, I can feel his breath on my skin and it’s driving me crazy with desire. My body starts writhing trying to satisfy the burning anticipation but he remains just out of reach until he’s ready to move closer.

 

4/ Use your breath

You can stimulate her with your breath, without actually touching her. You can breathe or blow on her vulva before you touch her or as a break from physical touch.

Use cool air by blowing as if you were blowing out a candle. Or open your mouth and make a ‘ha’ sound in order to blow warm air. Alternate between the two for a more stimulating effect.

 

5/ Open her up

Open her up – and I mean this physically. Pull her outer lips apart as you’re stimulating her with your breath or tongue.

This is extremely stimulating to a woman.

In the same way that your genitals yearn to penetrate, when she’s aroused her body craves to be open and penetrated.

 

6/ Watch the responses of her body

Remain attentive and watch out for any signs of discomfort or tension in her body.

Men usually tend to be too forceful and harsh with the vulva, they assume that she will enjoy the same level of pressure as their penis.

But this is not the case. Back away as soon as her body tenses up or pulls away from you.

When I saw a man masturbate for the first time in my life, I was shocked by the firm pressure he was using, I was certain that he was hurting himself!

 

7/ Treat her vulva as the most precious thing in the world

When touching, kissing and licking her genitals, imagine that they’re the most precious thing in the world. Be gentle, soft, loving, patient and kind.

As the woman gets more and more aroused, she’ll be asking for a bit firmer pressure, but always start with a very soft touch.

Always err on the side of caution – her intimate bits are extremely sensitive!

 

8/ Explore her entire vulva

Don’t start with the clitoris. Prepare the area first – lick, kiss and suck her outer lips, then her inner lips. Allow your tongue to luxuriously glide from her vaginal opening all the way up to her clitoris and then back down.

Make gentle circles around her clitoris and particularly make sure to stimulate her clitoral shaft (the internal part of the clitoris, above the external part) – this is very arousing for a woman.

Lick her introitus (vaginal opening) and then go back to stimulating the rest of her vulva plus the area surrounding it. Keep kissing her inner thighs, pubic bone and belly.

Only when she’s fairly aroused, start giving her clitoris even more attention.

Drawing the letters of the alphabet on her clit works particularly well!

 

9/ Use language

When you’re not certain whether she’s enjoying your touch – ask for feedback. When you’re wondering whether she’d like a different pressure – ask for feedback. Anytime you’re not certain about how to give her the most pleasure – ask for feedback!

Over time this will build up your familiarity with her body and will allow you to play her body like an instrument – building up her desire or backing away just at the right time in order to keep teasing her a little longer.

Another way to use language in bed is to talk dirty. And yes, I’m aware that you might be having a mouthful there but whenever you’re not, tell her how gorgeous and hot her pussy is and how much you’re loving her sweet taste.

 

10/ Enjoy yourself

And lastly, have a great time! The more you’re enjoying yourself, the more likely she’ll be to have an amazing time. Keep loving her pussy with your tongue, delight in caressing and kissing her, keep digging deeper and deeper into her pleasure.

If you’re not loving what you’re doing, it’s not likely that she will!

And if you want to learn more, check out my Legendary Lover online course!

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What Happens During a Sex Coaching Session

What Happens During a Sex Coaching Session

I’ve been recently asked what I do during my sessions with clients and whether I teach them different sex positions.

Well, that is actually one thing I rarely ever discuss.

There is a variety of possibilities in the area of sex positions shown online and anybody can look them up if they’re curious.

But it did get me thinking as I realized that most people are not certain what happens during a session with a sex coach.

The truth is that pretty much every session is different and all strongly depends on the particular problems and questions that my clients seek help with.

Certain elements are fairly common and others – hugely unique.

So I am going to describe a session I ran recently with Greg (not his real name).

 

Case study

Greg is 32 and has been married for 3 years.

Being still very young and in a fairly recent marriage, he was very concerned that his desire for intimate contact with his wife was significantly reducing each year and that at that stage they were having intercourse about once a month.

He masturbated regularly, always using porn and felt guilty about that.

He wanted to let go of his porn addiction and re-connect sexually with his wife.

He also noticed that he wasn’t experiencing a lot of pleasure during sex and that his orgasms were premature and quite disappointing in intensity.

 

Marriage and desire

I started off explaining to him that a reduced desire in a long-term relationship is a very natural thing.

Our bodies and minds are structured in a way that, with increased familiarity, the attractiveness of our partner declines.

This is nature’s way of dealing with the risk of incest and this is why an exotic stranger is always more appealing sexually than our spouse.

We had a chat about the risks of allowing the intimacy to decline in a marriage and I also described beautiful practices, rituals and techniques that can help long-term partners rekindle the spark between them and bring back the passion.

 

Excessive use of porn

Greg was already making an effort to watch porn less and less so I coached him in more healthy ways of enjoying sex videos and gave him easy and effective ways to have much more embodied experiences during masturbation.

I also explained how porn trains our arousal to happen through the mind instead of the body.

The most natural way of becoming aroused is through touch, closeness, kiss, embrace – all these things happen at the level of the body, these are physical experiences.

And porn stimulates our minds and then indirectly our genitals.

Another problem with porn is that it wires our nervous systems to react with excitement to highly stimulating images, full of action, arousal, multiple partners and even aggression.

After a while our spouses have no chance of matching this level of excitement in our own bedroom.

So as we’re overstimulating our nervous systems through intense, aggressive porn on a regular basis, we become more and more de-sensitized.

Due to the reduced sensitivity of our bodies, our own touch or our partner’s touch becomes simply not enough, giving us lessened sensations of pleasure and a lot less excitement.

 

Orgasmic training

Next we moved onto bodywork and I guided his body to a state of expanded, deepened and intensified state of arousal.

Within 15 minutes of this somatic training, his entire body was trembling in orgasmic pleasure.

He was completely mind-blown and ecstatic.

He had never before experienced sexual pleasure outside of his genitals or arousal that lasted longer than a few minutes.

I directed him to integrate the experience in order to start teaching his body to experience full-body orgasms.

 

Enlightening sessions

This is just one example of what might happen in a sex coaching session.

As a somatic sexologist, I don’t just talk to my clients. I also work with their bodies, teaching them to breathe, to move, to sound, to feel and to experience things in a completely new way.

Some of my friends refer to this as a neck-down-therapy as opposed to the regular therapy model (the neck-up-therapy) where the therapist only uses conversation.

I feel very lucky to be able to work both with the mind and with the body as the sex primarily happens in the body.

Instead of just explaining things to my clients, I can also show them.

And in most cases, I do leave them mind-blown.

Greg called the session “enlightening” and left it profoundly inspired.

 

P.S. Get in touch with me about my coaching programs or check out my online courses!

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5 Things That Happen When You Ditch a Vibrator

5 Things That Happen When You Ditch a Vibrator

First of all, let me say that there is nothing wrong with using vibrators and I currently own two gorgeous purple toys – a smaller one and a big, powerful ‘mama-wand’.

They are a part of my self-pleasuring experience from time to time and I do enjoy the convenience and ease of using them.

But some years ago I used to be fairly addicted to my vibrator.

I used it every time I masturbated, it was making things so easy, quick and efficient.

I felt like a 5-minute experience was a good one because it wasn’t taking a lot of my time and I could go off to do other things soon after.

 

I notice a similar level of a vibrator addiction in many women I speak to.

They use it when they are on their own and with a partner.

Some of them reach for it every single time they seek arousal.

And I feel that when we become completely reliant on an object, using it becomes an addiction and no longer a free choice.

There are a few reasons why I recommend ditching your vibrator for a while and I definitely am experiencing many beautiful benefits of ‘going back to basics’ when it comes to touching my genitals.

 

1/ You become more sensitive

Excessive use of a vibrator will progressively de-sensitize your body.

Our genitals are extremely sensitive with a very rich network of nerve endings contained within them.

They are capable of responding with pleasure to a very gentle touch, however, intense vibrations of a toy can be too much.

In order to cope with intense stimulation, the sensitivity of our genitals will slowly start to decrease in order to protect the area from any potential discomfort.

When you touch yourself with fingers, the stimulation is not as intense and allows the body to relax and open up to it instead of shutting down.

Tip: use coconut oil for even more gentleness and yumminess!

 

2/ You learn about your pleasure potential

Stimulation performed with fingers is slower and takes more time to build up arousal.

This allows you time to be more playful, to explore, to look for your pleasure.

Our bodies and genitals are capable of producing many different types of yummy and delightful sensations.

Our erotic selves are rich and complex, and don’t forget that your entire body is one big erogenous zone!

Involving more than just your genitals in your sensual play will provide more expanded and full-body ecstatic states.

Don’t settle for just one kind of stimulation!

 

3/ You reach deeper states of pleasure

Many of us know that the longer we hold off before the big-O, the more powerful it is.

And yet, we still choose quick, rushed experiences.

It’s highly unlikely you’ll be able to take yourself (or your partner) into a state of powerful, expanded orgasmic bliss if you only take 5 minutes (or less) to get there.

Arousal and sexual pleasure keep building up more and more, the more time you give yourself.

And particularly when you learn how to spread that delicious energy throughout your entire body, you can reach much deeper into your orgasmic potential.

And as much as there is nothing wrong with having ‘quickies’ from time to time, make sure to also have gourmet experiences in the bedroom!

 

4/ You develop a stronger relationship with your body

Our society doesn’t support us in loving and celebrating our bodies.

We keep being bombarded by advertising messages that try to convince us that we are not attractive enough, not slim enough, not strong enough…

Many people do not like their bodies and have a difficulty even looking at themselves in the mirror.

Using a vibrator can deepen this estrangement as you don’t get to touch and enjoy your body in a loving way.

Since I’ve been self-pleasuring using mostly my hands and fingers, I’ve developed a much stronger and more compassionate bond with my body.

I see it as a temple of delight, pleasure and sensuality.

I celebrate all my different favourite spots and I give myself touch often throughout the day.

I’ve also learnt that the more you love your body, the more pleasure it’ll give you!

 

5/ You re-discover the joys of playing

Using a vibrator can become a very goal-oriented task.

We become so focused on the outcome, that we simply reach for a tool that will get us there in the most efficient way.

But the true delight and enjoyment in sex comes from being playful and curious.

Letting go of the need to climax fast will allow you a more open mind and an attitude that will allow more experimentation and variety.

Imagine that you’re a kid and that you’re getting to know your body for the first time.

Touch everywhere, explore and try different things.

Bring that child-like playfulness and curiosity into your bedroom.

And above all, celebrate your body and have fun!

And if you want to learn more about developing your orgasmic ability, check out my Orgasmic Empowerment online course for women!

 

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