Why Doesn’t My Wife Want Sex Anymore?

Why Doesn’t My Wife Want Sex Anymore?

I keep hearing this question in my sessions, it keeps popping up in my emails and messages, people ask it on the phone.

Every time I hear this question, I feel sad and concerned.

This one particular question is so common, it feels like almost every man out there has asked it at one point or another.

This question actually pinpoints a serious issue in our modern relationships.

Two people get together. They have sex, a lot of sex.

Months go by. They stay together but the sex starts to disappear – slowly at first, until a few years later, there’s barely any sex left.

 

What to do?

Men from all over the globe message me asking whether they should cheat with a lover, hire escorts, leave the relationship or suffer in silence.

And the answer is not simple.

Ultimately, nobody can make that kind of choice for you as it is your life and the decision belongs to you.

What might be helpful is to unpack this situation and consider its possible reasons and solutions.

 

Men in relationships

I do sympathize with these men and I feel their suffering.

They have committed to the woman they love and they don’t want to cheat.

They would never want to hurt their partner with infidelity.

They feel powerless to change things, yet they have a strong sexual desire and want to connect intimately often.

Being sexual is programmed into our human nature and it’s a part of who we are.

This sexual aspect of ourselves should never be supressed or denied if we want to live whole, happy and healthy lives.

And so I believe strongly that if your partner is claiming a sole ownership of your sexuality, they need to feed and nurture it.

The right to be your monogamous partner comes with a responsibility to take care of the sexual aspect of the relationship.

Nobody has the right to demand you only have sex with them and then refuse to have sex with you.

If that’s the case, it might be time to look for sex elsewhere…

 

Women in relationships

At the same time, I need to ask: “Why doesn’t she want sex anymore?”.

“What has changed?”

Just as men, women also are sexual beings.

Women also crave an intimate connection and derive an immense amount of pleasure from sex.

In majority of cases if a woman turns sex down, it’s because of the poor quality of sex she is getting.

In our society, it’s not easy to find good quality information about sex.

We usually learn a few basics from TV, from peers and through our own experimentation.

We don’t have anybody who would answer all our questions in depth and we simply need to figure sex out for ourselves.

In relationships, we don’t understand each other sexually.

Most couples never talk about sex and have no idea what the partner actually likes in bed.

We assume that our partner should know how to pleasure us and we never bother to communicate about intimate touch.

 

Sexual differences

Most men are so sex starved that they treat woman’s body as an instrument of a quick release.

Men want to satisfy their partners but assume that this quick, rushed sexual experience is enough for her as it usually is for him.

The man falls asleep happy and relaxed while the woman is left feeling frustrated and unfulfilled.

With time, she starts to find excuses to avoid sex as it is hardly worth the time and effort for her.

 

Solution

So what’s the solution? – Proper sexual education.

You cannot excel in something if you never take the time to study and practice the right kind of skills.

A master lover knows how to tease, nurture and satisfy his partner in bed.

How to entice her desire to the point where she is begging him for sex.

He knows where her ‘sweet spots’ are and he knows how to stroke them.

This kind of lover never has to plead for sex.

He sees his sexuality as a valuable gift that they both get to share together.

Any man can be a master lover.

It takes time and effort just as any other skill does.

But the payoff is immense.

Click here to see if my Legendary Lover online coaching program is right for you!

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Do You React or Do You Respond?

Do You React or Do You Respond?

I want you to remember the time when your partner or someone close upset you. You walked into the room with some big news, happy and excited to share but your partner did not react with appropriate amount of interest. Or maybe even ignored you completely and changed the subject.

You felt hurt and rejected. You got angry and pointed out to your partner how they never listen to you or how they don’t care about you.

Maybe you even stormed out of the room to sulk alone in the bathroom.

That’s what I used to do – sit in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror and crying as I felt disappointed, ignored and hurt.

 

Do you react or do you respond?

Some people react and some people respond. The difference is huge.

When you react, you let your primal brain control the situation and get in the way of your heart. You go with the first impulse and do not think the event through.

When you respond, you dig deeper and your behaviour comes from a place of knowing yourself and feeling into yourself.

You look past the appearances and you ask “Why did they behave this way?”. You are capable of acting with compassion and kindness. You connect to your empathetic side and you don’t let the initial upset rule you.

 

Primal brain

The oldest part of our brain is called the ‘primal brain’ or the ‘reptilian brain’. It’s located at the lower back of the scull and it’s responsible for our fight, flight or freeze response.

The primal brain is very useful when a sudden threat appears on our path and we need to react immediately in order to save our lives.

It kicks in when you suddenly notice a shadow in a dark street, a shadow that could possibly be an attacker. Your primal brain reacts immediately, creating stress hormones and adrenaline in your system, increasing your heart rate and the pace of your breathing and by pumping blood into your legs and arms, preparing you to run or defend yourself.

It creates a state of hyper vigilance which has the ability of saving your life if the risk is real.

 

To listen or not to listen?…

This was an extremely useful mechanism when we all lived in the forest and had to face wild animals and dangers in our daily lives.

However, this mechanism is not so useful in the modern world because in most situations a more thought through response would be more appropriate.

When your partner is saying something hurtful to you, the last thing you should do is listen to your primal brain.

Instead, feeling into your heart and into your body will create a kinder response.

 

Disembodiment

The problem is that most people in our society are so disconnected from their hearts and bodies, that they don’t actually know how to respond to situations from a space of deep inner feeling.

From a very young age we’re taught how to behave and what to say regardless of how we feel. As kids, we learn to bypass our own bodily responses in order to follow rules and guidelines.

Many people simply don’t know how to feel their bodies anymore.

Each time a child needs to sit still in a classroom instead of playing outside, or when they have to hug a relative they don’t want to hug, the body creates stress hormones, eventually putting us in a state of chronic fear and anxiety. And in that state, the primal brain is very active and starts to dictate our behaviour.

“A lot of the time we are being hijacked by our primal brain without awareness and it is making a lot of the choices in our lives and relationships.” – Andrew Barnes

 

Is there a way out?

The good news is that once we’re aware of this mechanism, we can start to notice and observe when the primal brain is kicking in.

Through awareness comes change.

Whenever you notice yourself reacting, stop and feel.

Allow yourself to respond from a deeper place, from your heart and from your body.

After all, if somebody is hurting you, it’s most likely because they feel hurt themselves.

Or maybe they’re not actually aware that you’re perceiving their behaviour as upsetting.

Instead of getting angry, soften your reaction and look for compassion within yourself.

This has a potential to change not only the quality of your relationships but also the quality of your life.

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Are We All Performing in Sex?

Are We All Performing in Sex?

When Sarah knocked on my door, I welcomed her with a big smile and a warm greeting. She was pretty, intimidatingly tall and very quiet. I took her to my session room and we had a chat. Just like many of my clients do, Sarah was looking for something new, something deeper and more profound in her sexuality. She didn’t know exactly what she was after. She simply knew that ‘more’ was out there and she wanted to expand and learn.

 

Touch, voice and tears

I guided her through a bodywork session, while coaching and instructing her at the same time with my voice. I find that the combination of touch and voice is a powerful way to teach and guide someone through a session. This way, their time with me is not just a one-off experience, but a learning event from which they can draw in the future.

Sarah was open and followed willingly, while the session flowed in a very calm, relaxed manner.

When I finally guided her into an integration time, she was lying on her back, very still, very quiet, with her eyes closed. And then I noticed a few tears running down her face. I allowed her to be with whatever was happening for her, I held space for her, ready to listen if she needed to share.

 

Performance and sex

When she opened her eyes, I learned just how powerful it was for her to just be in her experience without the need to perform in any way. She told me that whenever she is with a lover, she feels pressured to have a ‘large experience’, in order to satisfy him. And that simply being in her body, responding to my touch in any way that felt right, responding to the sensations and all the energy running through her, was deeply healing and soothing for her heart.

Sarah expressed something very deep and extremely common in our society. In fact, a lot of people experience a similar pressure to ‘perform’ in sex, to behave and act in a particular way – a way that will prove that they had a great time and satisfying orgasm(s) with their lover.

This is something that even I struggle with sometimes. While at the same time I’m fully aware that the pressure is not necessarily coming from the other person, but more likely from ourselves.

 

Who to blame?

We don’t usually witness other ‘normal’ people having sex so we learn a lot from movies and from porn. And both porn and Hollywood are responsible for creating a very unrealistic vision of intimacy and intercourse.

We don’t witness any awkward moments in the ‘movie sex’. Everybody seems to enjoy themselves and they always have powerful orgasms.

So when our real life experience doesn’t quite match what we witness on the screen, we start to feel inadequate or not good enough.

And the truth is that sometimes sex is awkward or uncomfortable, sometimes it can get a little boring or it can feel good but not quite orgasmic.

 

What creates attraction and what kills it?

The most attractive quality in a man or a woman is an authentic, confident self-expression. Whenever somebody is starting to alter their behaviour in order to please us, we usually find ourselves becoming less and less interested.

The most attractive and charismatic person out there is someone who is fearlessly and unapologetically themselves. Who can admit to or even laugh at their shortcomings instead of trying to obsessively hide them.

 

How to be authentic in sex…

Whenever I notice that I feel pressured to have a ‘large experience’ in sex, I concentrate on a regular self-pleasuring practice.

Every time I touch and move my body, I allow myself to act in any way that feels right and natural to me. This helps me come back to my authentic, true expression.

When you’re having sex with yourself, there is nobody else there to please so you can just be yourself.

This is a fantastic way to stay more true and connected to your own body so that instead of habitually acting out a certain scenario with your lover, you can remain fully open and honest in your experience.

 

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