I have created a lot of drama and heartache throughout my life, both for myself and for others around me. And I’ve done that by struggling to value, appreciate and love myself. This wound goes far back into my childhood and is deeply rooted inside my psyche, my body...read more
Mother Ayahuasca had been calling me for about a year so it was no surprise I finally found myself a little anxious and very excited, getting into the car to start the journey to the venue of the ceremony held by a local shaman. I had been bumping into information about this vine on a regular basis – articles, videos, interest groups, people that have experienced it, etc. I was terribly curious but it took some time to work through all my fears and uncertainties until I made all the arrangements.
From the moment I started the engine of my car, I was hearing the call again, much louder. An unusual number of white cars on the road (the theme of the night was white), car registrations forming words, an unexpectedly smooth drive as for a long weekend and my inner sense of peace and excitement like she was soothing my heart, saying that all would be ok…
The ceremony started in the evening after a six hour fast. I was surprised to realize that I did not feel hunger which was very strange considering my fast metabolism. After a beautiful opening ritual, the shaman started pouring us the drink which did not taste nearly as bad as I expected. After drinking it, I settled in my space and waited to meet the Mother. Nothing happened for about half an hour, during which time I kept myself occupied fearing two extreme case scenarios – that nothing would happen at all or that my body would react so strongly, I would go through a living hell.
The Mother arrived after half an hour and I started having intense visions. First I saw an extremely colourful room and then other images flooded my mind – they were changing very quickly. Almost immediately I felt paralysed and started suffocating. I had trouble catching my breath and wanted to get outside to catch some fresh air. At the same time I couldn’t even raise my hand to ask for help and I started to panic. I just wanted this thing out of my system but I was aware that I was facing a journey of at least four hours. Unable to move, I remembered the advice I received before to surrender to the process. I was told that the more I resist, the harder it will be. I started repeating in my head frantically ‘I am willing, I am willing, I am willing…’. I kept going until I was able to breathe normally again. I started yawning, giggling and crying. All were part of the purging process, I was told before. I remembered a few people telling me earlier that their first journey with the Mother was really gentle. This was anything BUT gentle! I kept giggling… I became aware that I would need to vomit soon but the bucket at the end of my mat seemed so far away, I wasn’t sure I had it in me to reach it.
As my intense and very colourful hallucinations continued, I met a few dark beings from a different dimension. They seemed truly surprised by our low vibrational, material reality. They pointed out just how bad it felt to be in this world and I agreed laughing out loud. Yes, I definitely prefered the world of spirit, love, light and high vibration!
At some point I also saw myself drifting in black space – very calm and safe.
I finally reached for the bucket. At the same time I feared that the purging process might give me diarrhoea (we were told that it happens). How was I going to make it to the toilet if reaching the end of my mat was such a challenge?… The entire time I continued with my mantra: ‘I am willing, I am willing, I am willing, Why is it so freaking hard?!!, I am willing, I am willing…’.
I managed to keep the drink down for about an hour before the physical purging started. I put my head in the bucket and when I looked up again, I saw three people helping me. One was handing me a clean bucket, another one was passing me some toilet paper and third one was tying my long hair back. I was grateful for the help but at the same time my body felt as if I had a very high fever. My mind and body seemed really slow to react, I felt intensely sick, hardly understanding what was going on around me. I had a faint realization that I was the first person in the group to start purging as I had not heard anyone else being sick before me.
At the same time I was experiencing very painful tummy cramps. I was guessing my body was telling me to eat something but I had no choice but to suffer through them and to ask the Mother to heal the pain. I asked her to give me sexual healing as well. I had suffered a lot of sexual abuse in my life which I have been healing slowly for some time now… The Mother entered my yoni gently, it felt nice, extremely soothing…
I made sure I remained extremely open the entire time, that I surrendered as much as possible. With the ‘I am willing’ mantra in my mind, I put my head in the bucket again. The rescue team was there in no time and I received a fresh bucket promptly. A short while later, during my third purge, the shaman came over and started hitting my back with feathers. He later told me that once I finished the purging, I raised my head up with the biggest smile on my face. He also told me when all was over that I released a huge amount of past trauma out of my body. I guess this is why it felt so bad…
After about an hour of purging, I sat up feeling much better, much healthier, very clear in my mind. I thought that the journey was over and looked around at other people, deep in their experiences. As I felt weak after all the purging, I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes again to rest. And then I saw her face. She was very beautiful, seemed a bit older than me, in her late 30s. She kissed my lips while penetrating my yoni again. I became aware of my whole body slowly feeling more and more alive and vibrant. She held me close while caressing my face and head. As she kept penetrating my yoni – very slowly and gently – I felt my arousal building up very fast. I realized that I had never been this turned on in my entire life as she kept making beautiful, tantric, sweet love to me. It was slow, almost still but her energy was having a strong effect on my body. She was giving me more pleasure than any man ever has and I was completely receptive to her love. I kept asking her for more – more love and more sexual healing. I felt full of love and kept telling her that I loved her. She kept giving me more pleasure while holding me tight.
My stomach cramps came back one more time with a very strong pain and then they stopped. I relaxed. And then she gave me orgasms. The first one definitely caught me by surprise as I couldn’t work out what was going on in my body. I felt intense sensations in my yoni, slowly spreading out to the rest of my body. Soon my entire body was vibrating in a more intense ecstasy than I had ever felt before. I kept asking her for more and she kept giving me more. I was blissfully happy, realizing that all my previous full body orgasms were a weak version of this new experience. The Mother took my body to a completely new level of sexual pleasure.
This phase lasted for about an hour and a half but it felt like she was making love to me for hours. The lovemaking was gentle, sweet, sublime… I felt completely orgasmic in my body, mind and spirit.
And then she started to slowly leave my body. During my last hour with her, I asked her to make me one with the Universe. It didn’t happen, maybe I asked too late. But she did touch my third eye and it felt almost painful as she was cleansing it. I was hanging onto her with all my strength but after that last hour she was gone and I was sitting on my mat recalling in my head the entire experience.
All the sensations felt so real, so physical, it was hard to believe that not one person touched me during the whole evening. I realized that I did surrender after all. And that the Mother dragged me through the mud before giving me the most intense erotic experience of my life. It was exactly what I needed and I felt extremely grateful. I thought about all my anxieties about this evening and realized that the actual experience was much worse than anything I feared. And then also much better than I could have ever asked for…
Next we were all invited to have soup and toast and I finally realized just how famished I was. Bread and veggie soup at around midnight were a true feast. I sat with others outside, around the fire as we started sharing. I was wondering if anybody else felt as orgasmic as me but everybody had a completely different experience.
I couldn’t sleep that night, I kept going over the evening in my head, wanting to retain as much detail as possible. I remembered the purging phase, the suffocating, the panic, the sickness… I was certain then that I would never do this again… But now, I could not wait for the next time…
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