Single sex is easier than relationship sex

I’ve been recently pondering the struggles that couples experience around their sex lives. I’ve been also reflecting on my own journey and my experiences with sex, both when I was single and in my relationships. And something that comes to me very strongly is that single sex is much easier than relationship sex.


Single people date or have lovers, or get involved in casual sex situations, or become temporarily celibate. In any of these cases, if they choose to have lover(s), they usually see them once a week or so. In most cases, they choose to have sex with that particular person every time they meet. And that sex is mostly fun – exciting, anticipated, passionate, comforting, playful or satisfying. But in either case, the sex is free from the everyday routine and from emotional complications.


It’s not hard…

It’s not hard to make sex exciting when you see each other from time to time. It’s not hard to create anticipation and passion when you’ve missed each other. It’s not hard to keep sex fun when you keep coming up with new ideas and make effort to keep things spicy and playful.


Dating or casual situations are free from everyday stress, boring routines and family drama. We don’t need to put up with our partners at their low points, we don’t see them when they’re grumpy and we don’t experience resentment when they forget to do the laundry or take the trash out. We don’t see them too often so they’re surrounded by an aura of mystery and secrecy. What are they up to when I don’t see them? Who else are they catching up with? Are they having a good time when I’m not there? It all adds to the energy of discovery and mystery that makes them that much more alluring and attractive in our eyes.


When the sex shifts

But things change when the casual lover becomes a live-in beloved and when we see them pretty much every day and night. When we become very familiar not just with who they are as human beings but also with all of their habits and daily routines, including the annoying ones. We see them when they’re happy and when they’re unwell. We take care of them, we support them, we enjoy the beautiful ups and the miserable downs together.


And the sex shifts as well. The aura of mystery disappears, traded for cozy safety and comfort. We no longer question where they are or who they are seeing as we know their schedule by heart. And among all of that familiarity and coziness, we lose a bit of the passion and some of the excitement about making love to them.


Instead of putting make up on, shaving and dressing up for them, we put on pj’s and wait for them in front of the telly. We trade an intimate evening out for a few hours of catching up on our chores. The weekend, instead of being used for hours and hours of lovemaking, becomes that time when you clean the house, catch up with the relatives and do the weekly shopping.


We trade passion for stability

And so the passion shifts. The sexual fever turns into game of priorities and sex moves lower and lower on the to-do list. We no longer welcome our partner with candles and lingerie, and instead we opt for take-away and Netflix. We let go of the need to be our best in front of them and we show them our more true, less exciting face. We create a container of love that is stable and reliable, but not necessarily steamy or enticing.


And then we ask – where did the passion go? And – why am I not that sexually attracted to my partner anymore?


There is a lot of elements that go into this situation and many circumstances will affect it but overall the old saying is usually true for us – the longer we are together, the less sex we have. The more stressed and tired we are, the more resentful we feel about the thing our beloved said earlier that day, the less sexually inclined we’ll feel. And that’s when many couples start to worry – are we in crisis? And what can we do to bring the spark back?


And this is when things get real in a truly loving and committed relationship.


In order to maintain passion and cultivate a relationship full of lust, desire and sensual bliss, we need to DECIDE to make it so. Because single sex or early-relationship sex is easy, but committed sex is usually not. We progress from being moved by our hormones and animalistic desires to consciously moving towards what we want to create or maintain.


The genital desire becomes replaced by heart desire. “I WANT to create a passionate relationship with my partner, I DECIDE to keep making love often and I’m consciously CREATING pleasure and sexual fulfilment.”


Some lucky couples maintain that sizzle and spark for a very long time and struggle to keep their hands off of each other for many years. But for the rest of us – life kicks in, priorities shift and we get to know the bitter taste of frustration or rejection. There is nothing unusual or unhealthy about that in itself, except that we need to recognize this situation for what it is – a signal that it’s time to start making conscious choices in our love lives.


Questions we ask…

Do I watch Netflix tonight or prepare a romantic evening for the two of us?

Do I allow the tiredness to get in the way of our intimate connection or do I allow my sexual energy to re-invigorate me instead?

And do I move onto my chores and tasks or do I prioritize our sex life instead?

I know what’s most important to me.



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